Conflicting purposes. Please help -
February 18th 2009, 09:01 PM
So, throughout media, you see really skinny pretty models. Size XXX and things. And people are all like...omg she's disgustingly skinny. And i dont see it. Deep down, thats how i want to be. Now i'm not stupid. I know i have to stay strong. I know i have to keep going. But another part of me doesnt understand whats wrong with it. I read an article the other day, about a girl literally starving herself to death, but the pictures didnt look extreme to me. And that scared me.
I struggle so hard to get over my ED, or at least keep it in balance, but my weight never changes. Even when i'm not bothering, my weight remains the same. I want to have friends, so i need to be fun, to be fun i need to be happy, to be happy i need to be pretty, to be pretty i need to be thin.
To be honest, i dont really know where this thread is going. I just feel like i'm failing totally. Both parts of me.
See the part that wants me to win the battle, to get over my ED. She's failing. Because I still want to be skinny, i still see myself as chubby, and i still want to loose weight.
But then my other part of me, the part that's been taken totally over, is failing as well. Because no matter how hard i try, i cant lose the weight.
It's like there battling each other, neither giving in, but neither succeeding.
My rational is scaring me. I want to see skin and bones, as ugly and disgusting, yet i dont. I want to be happy with my weight, or at least see it as normal, but i cant. And yet, i want to be skinny, i want to be pretty. Deep down, i want to hear people tell me that i look good. I want to see the scales drop. I spend my life struggling against food, and yet theres nothing to show for it.
I just need some help figuring this out.
Last edited by eunoia; February 18th 2009 at 10:35 PM.
Reason: Do not post size/weight figures anywhere on TH. Please see the ToS and forum rules.
Re: Conflicting purposes. Please help -
February 19th 2009, 02:35 PM
hey hun.. it's great that you're talking about this really. (: honestly that's the problem with an ed.. you just fall and you're no longer in control anymore. first of all is to recognize that you deserve better than to be enslaved by these images and desires. secondly, find someone you can talk to about this, best a professional of course....
and well, just wanna put my view point on this? i guess what you should be doing isn't to make yourself think those pictures are disgusting, but to accept that whatever size you are and will be is God-given, and you owe it to yourself to be happy about your size as long as you're comfortably healthy in it.
and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"