help i need to quit

[puala__koala]

okay, so for the past 1 or 2 months, ive been binging and purging and i want to stop really badly. its horrible, i spend an unbelievable amount of time doing it, and i also spend an equal amount of time making sure nobody suspects anything.

heres my typical daily schedule:
i wake up, eat breakfast. i normally shove down some food so it wont seem suspicioius. eating this food is torture for me because my mom is like right there and i wanna eat eveyrthign on the table.
then i go to school, and during lunch i have a similar senario. i typically eat my whole lunch to avoid suspicion. i also try to chew things as little as possible so that they are digested less.
then i come home, and while i should be doing my homework, i end up eating anything i can. today i ate two bowls of cereal, a ton of candy, a really tasty energy bar, three slices of pizza, an entire can of these really tasty vegetable things, and i forget what else (im pretty sure i ate more but ive been forgetting a lot of things lately)
then i realized i had consumed a lot of calories, so i went back upstairs, took a shower, and threw up all my food meanwhile.
twenty minutes later, im eating candy again.
im still eating food when my mom comes home from work. at this time, i get a really bad cramp in my leg. then she makes dinner. i eat till im stuffed like a pig
then i go to my room and throw it all up.
now i wanna eat again but i have to do my homework. help?

the other problem is, sometimes i get really bad panic attacks from this. and when i say bad i mean it. in the past week, ive had several, and in most of htem the same thing happen: i can literally feel my body expanding, how i get fatter from the calories i have just consumed. then i feel like im freaking out so much i no longer have control over myself.

i want to get help, the problem is my mom. i know that as soon as she finds out she will tell everyone she knows, spend all day freaking out, tell me what i can and cant eat, not let me go to the bathroom, and tell me that im still fat. im so scared to go and ask for help because she may find out. i mean when i was like 13, i wasnt really eating for like a couple months. my mom spent all of her time trying to get me to eat and freaking out on me. and she thinks shes doing whats best for me, but shes really just fucking me up. im already seeing the effects this is having on my body and i need to stop. help?

[puala__koala]

by the way, im considering buying ipecac. i know its not the best thing in the world, but last time when i had a panic attack and i couldnt make myself throw up i ended up drinking acetone. id rather have something somewhat harmful (that has little chance of killing me) readily available than end up doing something worse.

youre probably thinking that i should just remove any sort of poison taht i can swallow, but i doubt that is goign to happen. if im having a panic attack, i will go and find it (or find something else, like cleaning fluids, which are worse) and take those.