Christmas dinners, chocolate and purging

[iMuse]

Hmm, it's Christmas, so my parents are getting really suspicious.

Before you say, "just tell them!", I need to say that I can't because when my sister (who I can't talk to either, it'd kill her inside, and make her SH again) who was bulimic, told them about the cutting and purging, they shouted and her over and over again, and made her feel much worse, and almost brought her to kill herself. This was three years ago, and she still has issues with on-off SH and her self image, she has the same counsellor as me

My story

First off, I've been uncomfortable with my body since I can remember, when I was 7, I turned overweight, I was constantly self conscious to the point where I was ashamed to go out, and often just hid in my room, I wouldn't wear shorts or tight shirts and whenever I was forced to go out, I would hide my body with a newspaper; it became a reflex of mine to constantly suck in my stomach. I was always on diets, I would make lists of all my food and calories and remove one item a day, missing meals and generally eating less, and I would drink water excessively. I did all this until I was ten. By this time, I had experienced both sexual assaults (not abuse remember, I was not raped, just assaulted) and one or two harassments were coming up when I was ten.

When I was nine/ten, puberty hit me early, my skin started to mildly break out (some periods of mild acne, which I still suffer from today -but less), I lost a lot of weight, I went from overweight to underweight, but I still saw myself as fat, I hated my body, even though my ribs stuck out a centimetre. When I looked in the mirror I saw the overweight girl I used to be. I used to think the scales were broken, I honestly did, only now, do I realise that they work perfectly fine. Only a few months before, started my first wave of depression and low self esteem, I truly hated myself.

When I was barely 11, and very underweight, I went to America for a week, where I gained a lot of weight, my ribs were no longer visible, I moved up from the "underweight" to the very bottom of "ideal". I despised myself for this, and I still do. This April, I hit the highest BMI that I've had since before I lost the weight. Even though my ribs still showed and I "supposedly" had the best figure in the class (a big chest, and what they saw and a flat stomach).

In June/July this year, I went a little insane, had paranoia, anxiety and delusions, also, I tried to kill myself. Then, when that faded in August, I saw my body and hated it, the depression came back, and thus, my ED began. At first, I just ate little, then when school started in September, I had more control of my diet, I missed breakfast and lunch, eating possibly a snack to convince my friends that I was okay, but nothing more, except lunch on weekends.

Since September, I have steadily lost over [Edited], which isn't much, but considering I've also grown at least 3-4cm and grown up a bra size, that is a lot more, but still, pretty damn crap of me. My stomach has changed dramatically.

Back to now:

I've been trying to throw up dinner for the last month, but it never worked, but today, it did. I found the right formula and I will never forget it, I'm getting more and more determined to eat less, make better excuses, wake up early for exercise, and generally do more exercise. I really really hate my body, and although I'm scared, I can't say I regret starting this, because I really hated my body even more than I do now.

I'm not asking for help, though a little might be good, but I mainly just wanted to just write down my story for once.

[purplekc95]

I have the similar eating promblem you do , but yeaa i'm not really askin for help either i mean like zero , i just want to be confident with my own body and the only way i can do that is limit things to the extremes and just binge and purge then starve. Yeeppp thats itt.

[Paige(:]

SO,, you know that you are underweight/at a good weight., why put you in the spot where you can become extreeeemely unhealthy?
Don't throw up, just eat a snack before dinner and eat a few bites of dinner, it will not make you fat.

In fact, don't think calories like they are bad. Calories are in fact just energy for your body that you WILL burn off. Sleeping actually is the best way to burn calories.
Do not over excersize.

PM me if you'd like, I'm here for you (: