I'm Scared

[distance]

I thought I was doing better, I honestly did.

But today at lunch a friend commented on my appearance/amount I ate. She pointed out I was only eating vegetables at lunch- no source of substansial carbs, fat or protein. Just steamed veggies. Any my lack of breakfast. And my increased workout frequency.

And my appearance.

I'm slipping.

January 2010 marked a new turn for me. First time I allowed myself to actually "eat". First time I ate something without knowing the calorie content. I met a few amazing people at the beginning of the year (who don't know it now) that gave me inspiration to break away from my ED and get myself up from an underweight BMI, to something healthier. And I stopped SH. Marks no longer covered my wrists.

I can't slip now. Holidays have always been hard since the onset of AN. I thought, since this year's been so well, that it might be different this time around. The added stress from finals, holiday organization, changed routines and everything makes me want to stop eating, because it'd all be okay if I was thin.

She told me the blunt truth at lunch today. I really thought I was better for good. I thought AN was gone. I thought I could live normally. I thought I could have even a relationship in 2011. AN tells me that I CAN live a perfect life if I dropped enough weight... skimped on my meals a little more, increased my workouts. SH tells me if I continue to slit my wrists it'd be even more perfect.

But I can't believe AN and SH. I have to believe ME and my friends and family.

But I'm so scared of relapse.

[purplekc95]

Just keep on believing in yourself , set goals, tell yourself you wont relapse , you'll fight your soo strong and you beat AN and SH and you can do it again!!!!!!!!!!!
PM me if you need anything else i'm here for you hun (:

[distance]

Thanks Kelly...

today's a better day. I think I skimped on meals today, but the SH isn't there today. At least, not now.

But, shit, I need escape out of this trance now. It's NOT okay to be enthused by the idea of skipping meals to lose weight. AN got me flirting with death before... I can't afford for that to happen again.

Hopefully when school starts again the AN/SH thoughts will disappear. When I start seeing my friends/teachers/team mates it'll get better.

[purplekc95]

Just stay postive (:
I'm here if ya need me and yess being around a certain support group like your friends , teachers, and team will help you bunch !!!!!!

Just eat little by little then do something like a project to keep your mind off of the AN and SH (: It helps me like i eat a little every 30 mins then i do a lil project to keep my mind occupied , it takes a lil time to get use to but it works. I eat the healthy stuff and try to eat out of the food groups like a lil each (dairy, protein, fruits, vegetables, grains)

[distance]

Not much time to write a lengthy reply, but an update:

It's getting worse.

I'm getting scared.

I have voices in my head telling me to lose just another few lbs...

Coach is concerned. No longer joking/getting "mad" when I can't finish a workout but concerned that something isn't right. Coach doesn't know the truth. Parents noticed I'm thinner.

On the other hand I love school and the material I'm learning and my friends. My grades have been nothing less than perfect so far. Best friends with a guy (whom I adore) too.

[x_sepi_x]

Why don't you try telling somebody? Talk to your doctor about it and go for some therapy. it'll probably help you to get better now rather than later. Good luck

[purplekc95]

Awwwhh is that boy cuteee?????
I'm sorry things have gotten worsts , you should really tell someone .

[distance]

I guess he's cute He's a few years younger than me though so most people think it's a really weird friendship. I trust him entirely though and am completely comfortable around him. He's one of the people that ALWAYS makes me happier regardless of how I feel before.

Today has been exceptionally good in terms of mood... I still don't want to eat :/ but I think I can shake out of it. Parents and/or Coach will intervene if it starts getting worse... I'm not going to them for help unless it gets critically worse. It's been 5 years since AN onset: I'm older and wiser now and know when I need professional help.

...but it is nice having someone to talk to when I have really bad moments. Last night I was crying in bed bc I felt so terrible about myself. I so badly wanted to text a close friend but they don't know and it goes completely against how I fake at school.

[dancing_for_rain]

*hugs*
i really hope you're ok!
i've had friends and family comment on my weight and size... it's so stressful :/. it sounds like you have done really well! congrats on not SIing for so long- that's a wonderful accomplishment. it's proof that you can beat your ED, and that you are strong enough.

you're an amazing, beautiful person! i really hope you believe that, or at least can learn to in time.

if you want to talk, my pm box is always open

*more hugsss*

[purplekc95]

AWWWWWHHHH (:

Thats good that your mood has been exceptionally good . And i'm super proud of your exceptionally good mood. There's some progresss (:
Ok , the eating, i am happy to hear that you're going to recieve help if it gets critically like really bad and stuff , that makes me worry less .

Yes yes i do agree it is nice to have someone to talk to when you're like having a really bad moment. Been there done that.

I have a suggesstion. Why dont you like open up to that one really close friend? What do you think is holding you back? I mean, i know the faking at school stuff, i do it too , like all the time and its hard. But i opened up to one of my close friends and she hasn't left my side nor treated me any different. So if i can do it , you can most definetly do it! But i understand if you dont want to. (: We're all our own peoples! <3

[distance]

I'm starting something I haven't done yet- journaling.

It's at least a way for me to vent out how I'm feeling. My friends will find out the truth in a few weeks... I think it'll be inevitable at that point if everything's going the way it has been going (downhill). They probably will leave me... that's what EVERY "friend" (but one) did last time. Just left me.

In all honesty, I don't KNOW why I want to be thinner...

And I can't figure out what is triggering this relapse... EVERYTHING seems to be going good (grades/COLLEGE ACCEPTANCES!!!/social life/extracurriculars). I don't want to lose what I have but I'm scared I will...

[emma01]

This may sound harsh and I know this is answering your first post but i am going to say it anyway. Outsiders give the best comments in situations like these. To be honest, they open your eyes to things you would never have known. YOU thought YOU were doing well. You would have kept up what you were doing not knowing you were going to end up in a much worse place. Because those friends commented and told you what they thought, you have come on here asking for help. Which is perfect And I commend you on at least listening!

I try and think of EDs like this. You actually can't win! You can lose weight at first...but either you gain weight, or you die. Either way, all that energy put into losing weight goes to waste because you can't stay the weight at which anorexia tells you to be. That version of perfect is infinite and its impossible to reach 'perfect.' you will just die. Try to push the voice of anorexia OUT of your mind. She is just killing you. You HAVE to be healthy in the end, people wont give up on you! Why spend another year of your life being preoccupied with food. Try your absolute hardest to fix this now!

[purplekc95]

I'm pretty sure your friends wont leave you . There's always that one friend who will feel bad and come back and help you. Just dont think like that. Its bound to happen if you do.

[distance]

Emma-

Your advice "The thing about AN is that you never win" is exactly what I needed to hear.

You're right. I'm NOT going to win.

I talked to a friend that's super close and gave her an idea of whats happening... She's not leaving me.

It's my last semester of high school. I'm retaking control of my life and STOPPING this behavior. Something clicked in my mind this morning and I reminded myself of EVERYTHING I have to look forward to in the next year.... extreme fatigue, cold/numbness, even more developed OCD (it's not every going away... but gets a MILLION times worse with AN), tears and screaming from refusal to see therapist/doctor/nutritionist, feelings of betrayal of my friends and family for "forcing" me to eat, and an tube for refeeding were not on that list to look forward too.

It's been a rough few weeks but I think its finally going to get better... The next few weeks are going to be hard too... but they'll be hard because I'll be pulling myself out of AN's grasp.

[emma01]

Originally Posted by distance

Emma-

Your advice "The thing about AN is that you never win" is exactly what I needed to hear.

You're right. I'm NOT going to win.

I talked to a friend that's super close and gave her an idea of whats happening... She's not leaving me.

It's my last semester of high school. I'm retaking control of my life and STOPPING this behavior. Something clicked in my mind this morning and I reminded myself of EVERYTHING I have to look forward to in the next year.... extreme fatigue, cold/numbness, even more developed OCD (it's not every going away... but gets a MILLION times worse with AN), tears and screaming from refusal to see therapist/doctor/nutritionist, feelings of betrayal of my friends and family for "forcing" me to eat, and an tube for refeeding were not on that list to look forward too.

It's been a rough few weeks but I think its finally going to get better... The next few weeks are going to be hard too... but they'll be hard because I'll be pulling myself out of AN's grasp.

Thanks That 'saying' works for me too Im so glad you feel confident enough to change this around! Good on you im so proud! Tell you what, that awful tube for refeeding is something NOT worth having! Its HORRIBLE! The list of things that you dont look forward to, they are all so true and so awful and totally not worth your life!!
If you ever want to talk to me about anything feel free! If you ever need to let your anger out you can always talk to me!