It's been bittersweet to know you 'girls', but it's time to say goodbye

Ess The Morgenstern *

So this is what's been going on with me along the time I've been living with an E

- 1st was 'Mia' (not very strong tho, more like purging every now and then not very frequently), I was 13 when I met 'she'.
- 2nd I was addicted (completely!!) to sweets, I was eating them like 24/7, but I didn't put on more weight than I was meant to, I had a healthy BMI which wasn't even close to the edge of overweight, but I felt ashamed and I'd always lie about my weight.
- 3rd say hi to 'Ana', when I turned 16 y.o., I became an anorexic because of all the pressure, the stress because of moving to city, feeling insecure and not a very happy past. I felt proud of my control, of overexercising and of losing so much weight.
- 4th 'Mia' is back, stronger than any time before!! I'd binge and purge many times a day, nearly everyday. I was desperate, anorexia made me proud but Mia made me want to recover so badly, I was trying to scape it no matter how, even if it cost my life. I was told I had put on weight and that I looked good, but I was broken inside so I took it as 'you're fat'. So many times I fell on trying to come back to Ana times (power of control... you know) but one day I suddenly stopped having dinner... and breakfast, and snacks and, surprise, I stopped binging (and so I stopped purging), I knew I wouldn't be able to keep like that but then I went on holiday with my cousin, I ate three meals a day (no more food allowed!!) and didn't binge there, when I came back home I was like 'keep going Esther, I'm not asking you to starve, just have your three meals and 2 fruits as snacks' and 'if I had done it for two weeks, I can do it for 1 month... 2 months... 3 months and so on'. I won't say, at least out loud, that Mia is gone for I always freak out of it.
Lately, I though my eating was normal somehow, but I was diagnosed EDNOS (I call it 'Edna') I was following diet patterns, always. I shall add that my BMI is under 17 so I may be called an anorexic? I don't know. I couldn't believe it, psychologically I'm so so much better than I used to be, I learnt to accept the past things I can't change now, to forgive everyone I've been blaming unfairly (and assume nothing of this is my fault) and, for the first time in my life, even enjoying having some food. But physically... (please delete if this is considered 'tips' or such) I exercise for pleasure so it's basicly walking with friends while looking for a place to stay in or so, I eat 3 meals a day (breakfast is always skimmed milk and 2 biscuits and dinner always fish, raw veggies and fat-free yogurt, lunch is whatever mum cooks and fat-free yogurt as dessert) and two snacks between (always fruit or sugarfree fruit juice). This could be considered normal, if I didn't mention by the time it gets to my stomach it's completely liquid. I control the time I take for it (1h 30min, no matter what it is) so I bite all a lot of times that it's no longer solid, and then I have 1 litre of water at lunch, another one at diner and another one along the day (I'm on the toilet all the time T_T). Thing is I drop some pounds every time I visit my therapists. I see my family and friends suffering since they think I'm worse (I'm not!) and it kills me inside.
Now I think I'm ready to start recovery, I want to live free, I have dreams, I don't want to die, I have a life to go through, maybe fall, maybe not but I want to take the risk. I discovered people loves me, even if I'm not perfect (aka super thin) I'm still insecure and terrified of putting on weight, but tomorrow I have to visit my therapists, I'm going to ask them to write a meals plan to stick to, even if now I'll ask for a plan to mantain at this weight and then, when I'm ready, to put on a bit, at least until I get my period back. Do you think it'd work?
I want EDs, SH, insecurity, depression and all those fears to go away, I want to begin again my life... and do it the right way.
I don't regret about my EDs though, they taught me a lesson I'll never forget, and from them I learnt to look at life from another point of view, humility (I used to be so damn proud >_<) and to help others if they needed me.
But it's time to leave, before any of these kill me. Wish me luck!

emma01