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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Smile It's been bittersweet to know you 'girls', but it's time to say goodbye - January 3rd 2011, 09:26 AM

So this is what's been going on with me along the time I've been living with an E
- 1st was 'Mia' (not very strong tho, more like purging every now and then not very frequently), I was 13 when I met 'she'.
- 2nd I was addicted (completely!!) to sweets, I was eating them like 24/7, but I didn't put on more weight than I was meant to, I had a healthy BMI which wasn't even close to the edge of overweight, but I felt ashamed and I'd always lie about my weight.
- 3rd say hi to 'Ana', when I turned 16 y.o., I became an anorexic because of all the pressure, the stress because of moving to city, feeling insecure and not a very happy past. I felt proud of my control, of overexercising and of losing so much weight.
- 4th 'Mia' is back, stronger than any time before!! I'd binge and purge many times a day, nearly everyday. I was desperate, anorexia made me proud but Mia made me want to recover so badly, I was trying to scape it no matter how, even if it cost my life. I was told I had put on weight and that I looked good, but I was broken inside so I took it as 'you're fat'. So many times I fell on trying to come back to Ana times (power of control... you know) but one day I suddenly stopped having dinner... and breakfast, and snacks and, surprise, I stopped binging (and so I stopped purging), I knew I wouldn't be able to keep like that but then I went on holiday with my cousin, I ate three meals a day (no more food allowed!!) and didn't binge there, when I came back home I was like 'keep going Esther, I'm not asking you to starve, just have your three meals and 2 fruits as snacks' and 'if I had done it for two weeks, I can do it for 1 month... 2 months... 3 months and so on'. I won't say, at least out loud, that Mia is gone for I always freak out of it.
Lately, I though my eating was normal somehow, but I was diagnosed EDNOS (I call it 'Edna') I was following diet patterns, always. I shall add that my BMI is under 17 so I may be called an anorexic? I don't know. I couldn't believe it, psychologically I'm so so much better than I used to be, I learnt to accept the past things I can't change now, to forgive everyone I've been blaming unfairly (and assume nothing of this is my fault) and, for the first time in my life, even enjoying having some food. But physically... (please delete if this is considered 'tips' or such) I exercise for pleasure so it's basicly walking with friends while looking for a place to stay in or so, I eat 3 meals a day (breakfast is always skimmed milk and 2 biscuits and dinner always fish, raw veggies and fat-free yogurt, lunch is whatever mum cooks and fat-free yogurt as dessert) and two snacks between (always fruit or sugarfree fruit juice). This could be considered normal, if I didn't mention by the time it gets to my stomach it's completely liquid. I control the time I take for it (1h 30min, no matter what it is) so I bite all a lot of times that it's no longer solid, and then I have 1 litre of water at lunch, another one at diner and another one along the day (I'm on the toilet all the time T_T). Thing is I drop some pounds every time I visit my therapists. I see my family and friends suffering since they think I'm worse (I'm not!) and it kills me inside.
Now I think I'm ready to start recovery, I want to live free, I have dreams, I don't want to die, I have a life to go through, maybe fall, maybe not but I want to take the risk. I discovered people loves me, even if I'm not perfect (aka super thin) I'm still insecure and terrified of putting on weight, but tomorrow I have to visit my therapists, I'm going to ask them to write a meals plan to stick to, even if now I'll ask for a plan to mantain at this weight and then, when I'm ready, to put on a bit, at least until I get my period back. Do you think it'd work?
I want EDs, SH, insecurity, depression and all those fears to go away, I want to begin again my life... and do it the right way.
I don't regret about my EDs though, they taught me a lesson I'll never forget, and from them I learnt to look at life from another point of view, humility (I used to be so damn proud >_<) and to help others if they needed me.
But it's time to leave, before any of these kill me. Wish me luck!


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
emma01 Offline
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Re: It's been bittersweet to know you 'girls', but it's time to say goodbye - January 3rd 2011, 05:59 PM

Woww!!! You called me inspirational, your story is AMAZING!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sheissoweird View Post
when I came back home I was like 'keep going Esther, I'm not asking you to starve, just have your three meals and 2 fruits as snacks' and 'if I had done it for two weeks, I can do it for 1 month... 2 months... 3 months and so on'. I won't say, at least out loud, that Mia is gone for I always freak out of it.
That is awesome and proof you are an amazing person!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sheissoweird View Post
psychologically I'm so so much better than I used to be, I learnt to accept the past things I can't change now, to forgive everyone I've been blaming unfairly (and assume nothing of this is my fault) and, for the first time in my life, even enjoying having some food. But physically... (please delete if this is considered 'tips' or such) I exercise for pleasure so it's basicly walking with friends while looking for a place to stay in or so, I eat 3 meals a day (breakfast is always skimmed milk and 2 biscuits and dinner always fish, raw veggies and fat-free yogurt, lunch is whatever mum cooks and fat-free yogurt as dessert) and two snacks between (always fruit or sugarfree fruit juice).
This is GREAT! Physiologically I am much better too, and that is something that many other people notice! Im glad you have felt the same way, it is amazing to be able to enjoy food again ay! Exercise is GREAT so long as you are eating well and the exercise is for fun! I do Zumba, and the child psychologist at the hospital is an instructor and told them I was doing it, and they said "thats awesome" and as long as I am eating enough they don't see the problem with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sheissoweird View Post
Now I think I'm ready to start recovery, I want to live free, I have dreams, I don't want to die, I have a life to go through, maybe fall, maybe not but I want to take the risk. I discovered people loves me, even if I'm not perfect (aka super thin) I'm still insecure and terrified of putting on weight, but tomorrow I have to visit my therapists, I'm going to ask them to write a meals plan to stick to, even if now I'll ask for a plan to mantain at this weight and then, when I'm ready, to put on a bit, at least until I get my period back. Do you think it'd work?
Oh that is so awesome! I want to live free and have dreams are something that is great to hear from an ED sufferer! People will always love you and even though I dont know you, I know for a fact I will always be thinking about you

Quote:
Originally Posted by sheissoweird View Post
I want EDs, SH, insecurity, depression and all those fears to go away, I want to begin again my life... and do it the right way.
Trust me, it will all go and you can live a 'normal' happy life!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sheissoweird View Post
I don't regret about my EDs though, they taught me a lesson I'll never forget, and from them I learnt to look at life from another point of view, humility (I used to be so damn proud >_<) and to help others if they needed me.
I am so pleased you said that. Because I feel the same way but wasn't sure if I should. My friends often ask me, do you wish you could go back and never have done it. I always say umm maybe...but deep down i know I don't regret it. It taught me to love myself and to be happy with what I have got, rather than focus on what I havent! I learned who my true friends were, the process of this wasn't nice but now I know who really cares and who doesn't. Having an ED actually introduced me into a whole new world of mental health, and found me this site, and opened my eyes to all the conditions and illnesses that people suffer triggered from horrible things like death and rape and all that, and made me feel somewhat lucky about my childhood...I would have looked at someone with an eating disorder, just saying 'oh yea choosing not to eat thats just odd' or a depressed person just thinking 'oh they're probably a bit sad' but now I know there is so much more to that and I thank anorexia for that one!

Im so sad to see you leave, but so happy you are turning your life around Im so pleased of you. But please, if you ever feel you need to, you are more than welcome back, and I am almost sure I will be here to welcome you
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's been bittersweet to know you 'girls', but it's time to say goodbye - January 3rd 2011, 06:27 PM

wow this is amzing. yo are so inspirational. i hope this egffects other people too and they start to see a way out of their ED's
xx
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's been bittersweet to know you 'girls', but it's time to say goodbye - January 3rd 2011, 09:10 PM

It's sad to see you leave, but we are proud of you. Good luck, take care of yourself. We'll still be here if you need us, but hang in there. You can do this <3


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's been bittersweet to know you 'girls', but it's time to say goodbye - January 4th 2011, 08:16 AM

Wow.
You are AMAZING!
Your strength and determination is such an inspiration..
Good Luck sweetpea
xox


Immobilized. Captivated and Hypnotized,
by all your evil lies.


я.ι.ρ ηαηηу -
уσυ ℓєт υѕ 3rd мαян 2011.
ι ωιℓℓ мιѕѕ уσυ σяєνєя 3




   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Open my eyes
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Re: It's been bittersweet to know you 'girls', but it's time to say goodbye - January 4th 2011, 12:10 PM

Thank you guys it took me so long time to take this decision but I've already asked my dietitian to give me a meals plan, we designed it together, it makes me feel nervous but this is what I want, it won't be easy but I learnt you have to fight for your dreams, I realized I was giving up before starting my struggle but I can stay where I am, freaking of what might happen or take the risk, maybe get hurt but then take another risk and at some point something good will come from that
And oh, I didn't mean I was leaving :P sorry I didn't say that the right way. Goodbye is for EDs (I always name them with a girl name)
All the best for you all xx


Fear Cuts Deeper Than Knives

"And if you told me 'go to the hell', I'd tell you I know pretty well that place"
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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's been bittersweet to know you 'girls', but it's time to say goodbye - January 4th 2011, 06:48 PM

Oh thats awesome about the meal plan...and yea I know how daunting those things can look!! Haha you should have seen my face when I got my hospital discharge one!!! LOL but they are really great and you can kind of treat that piece of paper like a person who is watching over you, and you have to do what that person tells you! It worked for me and I stuck to it! It gets so much easier though I promise

OH YAY you arent going!!! Oh I am so pleased! Haha now I read your title I can see where you are coming from! But I am glad you are staying you can keep us all updated on how you are
   
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