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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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allisontedford Offline
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Unhappy I'm so stupid. I hate myself - January 30th 2011, 01:38 AM

Hey everyone

I'm Allison and since I can remember, I have been taught about eating disorders and all that shit.

I'm starting to eat less and less, but I just can't. My mom watches me like a hawk. I can't even leave a crumb on my plate. I don't want to die, I know how bad eating disorders are and how they can kill you. But I just feel so fat and my life is so bad. On monday, I just felt so bad about myself (someone said my stomach looked pregnant) that I excused myself from the restroom and vomited my guts out. I have scratched my wrist so much that my it bleeds. My mom screams alot. I have no friends. You see, I moved to another country like a year ago. It was hard and it still is. My teachers are mean and racist. My grades are failing. It's so hard to live in a different country, a different school system, different people...I know the language (with a accent) my mom is from this country but I have never lived here before like my whole family did.

I've thought of suicide too many times. I'm depressed.

Please help. I need help ASAP.

Allison
   
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Pianissimo Offline
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Re: I'm so stupid. I hate myself - January 30th 2011, 03:37 AM

Hi Allison, I know that this must be very tough for you to be going through. I would suggest getting a journal to write out your feelings or maybe consider talking to a counselor about all of this. You being able to admit all of this is just the first step towards recovering.
As much as I can see from your profile picture, you are NOT fat and nowhere close, you're a perfectly healthy looking weight and you shouldn't feel the need to purge or stop eating to get thinner.
I know how horrible some people are because I went to a VERY cliquey middle school and I was considered one of the outcasts since I wasn't anything like them. They're only bullying you to make them feel better about themselves. I cannot stress that enough. I'm sure you're a WONDERFUL person and if they can't see that then they're not worth your time.
As for people who aren't mean to you, I'm sure there's somebody at your school who would love to meet you, but they're just too shy to approach you. Try joining clubs or activities and getting to know some of the people who sit by you in classes to make some new friends.
You're only 13 and you have so much to live through, so please don't commit suicide I know from experience that things do get better (Granted it was for another purpose, but it still counts, right?). Please, feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.

Last edited by Pianissimo; January 30th 2011 at 04:29 AM.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm so stupid. I hate myself - February 5th 2011, 04:45 PM

Thanks for the message. I'm trying to join clubs and all that. But the teachers aren't still cooperating. What does PM mean?

thanks,
Allison
   
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Re: I'm so stupid. I hate myself - February 5th 2011, 06:26 PM

Hey there Allison,

I can totally understand how you are feeling, as I went through the same thing that you did. It can be really tough to deal with. I know that you know a lot about eating disorders, but what isn't included in the fine print, is how it feels to lose control. Internet, friends, teachers, parents, books, etc. says it can spiral out of control. In the beginning we think we won't let it get out of control, but it happens when we are most vulnerable. You have to know that you are beautiful, because everyone is beautiful. I know that is hard to believe, but looking at everyone through a positive set of eyes will help make that more believable.

I can't tell you how to pull the wool over your moms eyes, as far as not eating goes. I know this isn't going to seem as such to you, but maybe your mom watching your food intake is the best in the long run. You really don't want this to go beyond your control. In some cases, when eating disorders get so bad, you have to be admitted into a hospital, and they stick you on a feeding tube. This has not happened to me before. But I am familiar with people that it has happened to, and they say that not being able to taste food, and being able to eat yourself is horrible. Once you are down that road, it is really, really difficult to get off of it. Not only do you drop below a healthy weight, lots of other medical things can go wrong too. For me, my immune system crashed. I got an infection one time, and it took so long to heal. My hair started falling out, my fingernails brittle, and my hands were always blue.

As for scratching, that is not healthy to do. We self harm as a way of coping with things that are sometimes beyond our control. Fortunately, with good support and distraction, we can over come this. Have you ever thought about seeking professional help? Professional help had helped me with my ED and self harm. I really feel as though you might benefit from that. Of course, you have to want to recovery. Recovery is a process, but worth it. The better side of things make life easier. Getting there is the struggle. The way you're going about things aren't going to make for a very easy life. You may think that it solves problems. But I can assure you that it's not.

I am sorry that you are having to go to a different school! Making friends can be very difficult. Some are blessed with the ability to make friends at the drop of a dime. I, on the other hand, am not. I made friends when I made friends by making small talk with people. I also joined clubs. I am glad you are trying to do that. I think that it's great. I joined clubs according to my own interests. If you join a club, make sure you join because you are interested in it. That way, you can make friends with people having similar interest as you do. I know, easier said then done. In order to get friends, you sometimes have to put yourself out of your comfort zone. Friends, and making them take effort on both sides. Once you gain friends, things start falling into place. Talking to them, and making friends will be easier. I want to see you get some good friends to support you because you deserve that.

I am sorry to hear that you and your mom don't get along very well. I would suggest maybe writing her a letter, telling her how her yelling makes you feel. Or you can just talk to her face to face. It sounds like her yelling is stressing you out. That used to happen with my mom. Sometimes parents don't realize when they are making mistakes. It is ok to sometimes remind them when they are doing something that doesn't feel good to you. If her screaming is affecting your well-being and health, then do your best to distract yourself from her. You need to do things that are healthy for you. I know that it seemingly difficult, but well worth it.

I hope this helped! Remember, you're worth it!
-Lyndsee


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Re: I'm so stupid. I hate myself - February 5th 2011, 06:37 PM

Thanks, Lyndsee.
I just feel like I'll never be the person I'd love to be. I'd like to be that girl who gets perfect grades, who has a ton of friends and that's pretty. I just never feel like I'm enough. This is my second year in this stupid country and I'm still not progressing. I'm probably just lazy. I used to be a girl who's lowest grade was a 70 at least. I don't know whats wrong with me. I want PERFECTION. I just don't what's wrong with me.

Sincerely, Allison.

Last edited by allisontedford; February 5th 2011 at 06:45 PM.
   
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SparklingWine Offline
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Re: I'm so stupid. I hate myself - February 5th 2011, 06:45 PM

Keep in mind, you are 13. You are in the process of discovering yourself, and figuring out who you want to be.
A lot can change through the years! Keep fighting the battle. Win the war. You can do it!


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Re: I'm so stupid. I hate myself - February 5th 2011, 06:47 PM

(: thanks.
   
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Re: I'm so stupid. I hate myself - February 5th 2011, 08:25 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by allisontedford View Post
Thanks for the message. I'm trying to join clubs and all that. But the teachers aren't still cooperating. What does PM mean?

thanks,
Allison

That's good that you're trying to join some clubs
As for the teachers, that's truly ridiculous. That's honestly the most unprofessional thing I've heard in a while (And this is coming from somebody who has a choir teacher who picks favorites and least favorites and yells at his least favorites in front of everybody). I would probably meet with the principal and tell him/her about how they're acting because that really isn't right.
PM means Private Message.

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