Hmmmm

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

I don't particularly like posting but I suppose I am at a point where I need words of encouragement and all that jazz.

My eating has been up and down over the past two years I suppose. I went from over eating and gaining lots of weight to purging everything I eat and then I went to starving myself. November/December of 2010 things were pretty bad. I was going days with very little food and I was also trying my hardest to fast. I don't know the longest I went without eating but I do know that it was taking its toll on my body. Sometime in December I decided I would try to start eating again. It was hard and it took a while for me to get to a point where I could eat more than 1 meal a day. January came and I was eating 2-3 meals a day. Thing is I started feeling out of control all I could think of was the weight that I was putting on. Everything I put into my mouth was weight gained. I never actually gained weight from my eating I think I was actually losing weight just not in the way I wanted or fast enough I suppose. (I am not underweight or anything, if anything I am considered over weight so weight gain is not necessary and weight loss is still understandable).

It didn't matter that I was losing weight or at the very least not gaining weight my mind still kept telling me horrible things. I was going to gain back all the weight I lost in the past two years. I was going to turn into the disgusting person I was. I was going to lose control and start bingeing again. End of January I started purging again. I would still eat but there would be episode where I would either binge and purge or just purge. Now my purging has gotten bad again. I have purged three times today. I had a proper binge fest today although realistically it probably wouldn't have turned into a binge fest if I would have just allowed myself to keep the food down.

All of this is caused by my feeling of losing control. It just got to be too much and all I could think about was gaining weight. It is still all I can think about. When I starve myself or when I am purging I control what I allow into my body. I control whether or not I will gain weight or lose weight. The feeling of losing control caused many a panic attack as well. I would eat a meal and feel anxious for a long time afterwards and eventually paired with my returning self harm urges it has gotten to be to much and I have resorted back to purging. The purging comes and goes in a cycle. I purge for for a bit and then I get into the starving and then I purge again and on the cycle goes. I don't want this cycle to repeat itself but I am at a loss as to how to stop it. I don't know how to deal with the feeling of losing control.

I am scared of the damage I am doing to my body, petrified actually, but it isn't enough to make me stop. I want to stop but it is really hard and I just feel so lost. It doesn't help that eating upped my depression. Well, it upped my self loathing which then upped my depressive thoughts.

So, I am writing this in hopes of getting some type of feedback. I don't know if there are any words to be offered but anything would be nice. Things are really hard at the moment and I don't want them to get even worse due to my ED.

Sorry for the length of this. If you took the time to read all of this you are an absolute angel and I salute you!

[Blair]

Hey, I'm sincerely sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. Eating disorders are cyclic as you described for me as well. I think it's often because while we stop the disordered eating, we never get out of that mindset. I'd say maybe it's time to leave the actions themselves be and do some introspection. You know it's a control thing. So try thinking of it this way: if you can learn to have a healthy lifestyle, you have complete control of your habits. When you've got an eating disorder, you start to lose control of yourself, your life, and even your bingeing and purging. Also, try to keep your priorities in check. This is an extremely tough thing to do, but it'd be so benificial to you in so many ways if you could put your physical and emotional wellbeing above your weight on your what-matters-most list. Also, spend time doing things that you feel confident and relaxed while doing. I'm not sure what you're into but anything that takes discipline and is constructive and positive can not only make you reel in control but be a distraction from ED/SH stuff. Also, and kudos to you for doing this on here, talking about it can help. Sometimes for me just taking the things that I know are bad for me and looking at them in a more detatched analytical and logical way can help me see what others see. Try telling yourself this also when you feel stress over your weight: there's more to life than skinny, my weight does not define me. It's a little lame and rhymes I know, but it's absolutely the truth. Take care of yourself. You deserve it! PM me if you need anything or just wanna talk =)