Pictures of me are a trigger...

[Agoraphobia♥]

I can't look at myself without thinking of how fat I am, like when I was at the mall with my friend, I had gotten this Gir shirt that said Epic Nom, it was cute and I put it on, I had her take a pic of me and it's just so horrible, I have so many rolls and it's disgusting. But that's not the worst thing.

I'm pretty good with computers and programs, including Photoshop... so almost all night I've been taking photos off my facebook where it shows a lot of fat on me, even if it's just on my arms and well photoshopping myself thinner. I thought I could do one and see what I would look like thin and well, I got carried away and it really triggered me, now I only want to eat a few crackers for breakfast if I have to eat at all...

I've tried so long to get better, and for over a month I've been seeing a therapist and this is what we're working on, but if I don't keep track of what I eat I usually end up under eating and sometimes binge-ing but usually restricting without trying to. Like I'll stay up all night so I don't have to eat breakfast and then I'll eat a lunch, a small dinner, and maybe later a snack. I have to literally write down what I eat everyday, and force myself to eat just the right amount, otherwise I fall into my ED habits.

My therapist even asks me if I think I've been doing well, and truth is when I reflect, I can tell I haven't eaten enough, and even when I just keep track, no like making myself eat different, I under eat then too, and I rarely eat healthy. I just want to be rid of this! I try so hard to eat right, but if I forget to make myself eat the right amount, I don't.

One time I even thought I was getting better, then my therapist had me track what I ate, I ate so very little subconsciously, I mean sometimes I would think about not eating a lot but other times I just naturally wouldn't ever since this basically started.

Sorry if this is long it's just really bothering me that I triggered myself with my own pictures, then photoshopped them and triggered myself even more which is the last thing I need since I already eat less than I should, if I focus on eating less it'll be even worse...

[SavingButterflies]

Cheye,
Don't be hard on yourself. Just be who you are at the moment. Life can change in an instant. I'm sure you know that if you want to lose you have to eat. My advice....don't use photoshop.