School makes recovery difficult...

[Agoraphobia♥]

Well I only have told one friend and we usually eat together, and that helps a lot, but I don't just eat with her, we were eating with another friend today, and it takes me a while to eat especially in font of people, and to put it in perspective, this person wasn't trying to insult me in any way, but a week or so before school started mentioned my weight being unattractive, and well yeah it hurt but she didn't know what I've been struggling with.

Anyway, we're eating and I'm just barely half done and she finishes, then I have about a third to a quarter left, mind you it was just one sandwich and not too awfully big, about 4 and a half inches long. Anyway and then she decides to get up and leave, and my friend who does know about my eating, starts to get up to follow and I feel obligated to and rushed and well yeah.

Basically I'm finding it very hard to eat during school even if I am hungry. The very first day all I ate was a granola bar and my aunt got pretty mad at me for not eating so I felt I had to today. But I eat so slow in front of people and felt so ashamed of eating it the whole time during and afterwards, I just don't know if I can get better. Like I want to but I don't want to. I haven't been to see my therapist in weeks either and obviously that doesn't help much. I just don't know what to do.

I either just don't eat, or I take forever and the whole time I can only think about wanting to run into the bathroom and purge, no one knows and this is really hard for me to admit, but I use laxatives to purge, and well I used a whole brand new box in a week so I'm really trying to stop so my parents don't get really suspicious, but then it brings the thought of, well maybe this time I could puke, and I think it's disgusting and horrible and I never have before, but I'm afraid I'm losing control again and slipping further and further.

I love school and I wouldn't leave this school ever again (long story, please don't ask), but this whole not eating, or eating and feeling horrible and wanting to purge, etc... I just can't handle it. And only one person knows and that's how I want it to stay so I don't know what to do...

[Kate*]

Cheye, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this, I'm going to do my best to help because I feel like I should at least try. First of all, I'm glad that at least one person knows about this, but I would strongly suggest seeing your therapist agian, but I think you expected somebody to tell you that. Second, there is NO REASON for you to be ashamed to eat, that's the eating disorder talking and it's wrong; everyone needs to eat, there's nothing wrong with it. Eating won't make you fat, it will make you healthy, but I'm sure the part of you that wants to get better knows that. Also, what that person said was insensitive, even if you didn't have an eating disorder, try not to let what other people say decide whether you're healthy or not. There will unfortunately always be people like that around, so you need to do what is best for you and let yourself get better because you deserve it.

I hope that was at least somewhat helpful, sorry if it wasn't.

[Peri]

Hey Cheye,

Just because your friend didn't know what you have been struggling with doesn't give them the right to tell you that your weight was unattractive. I think you have to remember that good friends accept you, your personality, the way you look.. everything about you.

Is there any way you could go see your therapist again? If not, is there perhaps a school counselor/nurse that could help you? It seems like you could benefit from professional support.

Most of the time, recovery means getting out of our comfort zone. From what I can see, your comfort zone is being in a situation where only one person - your friend - knows about your general eating habits. It is just a suggestion, but perhaps you could reach out to more people.. like a support system. If one person can't help you, then maybe some other person can, if you get my drift.

It's brave of you to admit that you use laxatives to purge. It can be hard to expose things like that in the open, so well done for that. Perhaps giving the laxatives to someone or destroying it might be a good idea so you won't feel tempted to take them.

Take care of yourself.

[Le bonheur*]

Hi Cheye. I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I had the same exact problem while I was in high school and finally, senior year, I decided I needed to stop worrying about what people thought. Yes, I still purged sometimes but for the majority of the time, I ate lunch and kept it down. I had a lot of people who were a great support system and they ate slowly with me to make me more comfortable and they reminded me I needed to eat to be healthy and I would benefit from it more.. Maybe you could develop something similar to that? Talk to your friend and explain you need more support and ask her to give you supportive words, eat slower, etc. Or, make friends with other people and ask for their support and offer yours in return. As for the laxatives, I agree with the poster above. Give them to someone so you won't be tempted to take them. I know how hard that is but sometimes it's the hardest things that make the most sense. Take care of yourself, Cheye, and if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

[Kate*]

Originally Posted by believe.in.hope

As for the laxatives, I agree with the poster above. Give them to someone so you won't be tempted to take them.

I mostly agree with this, but depending on how many you're taking, how often and how long you've been doing it, you might need to be weaned off of them which is best done under a doctor's supervision.

[Agoraphobia♥]

Well we haven't bought any more yet so I basically was just cut off, and well I'm having issues with that... But in any case, I'm trying but at the same time, I can't shake that feeling of accomplishment when all I eat at lunch is a granola bar. I know it sounds bad, and I really do want to get better, but I don't know if I can go without that feeling of accomplishment even though it's horrible. Like I've been in school for 4 days now, 3 of those days, all I ate for lunch was a granola bar, and breakfast has always been this really small bowl of cereal. Then dinner is usually sort of small and maybe one snack later on. So yeah, I'm having issues, and it's also hard because my aunt is getting mad at me when I only eat a granola bar, well not lately these last few times but the first time she got really mad at me for it...

[Heartlines.]

Hey there,

It sounds like things are going a bit south for you right now. I know how hard it is to eat in front of people. But something that could potentially help you is thinking about this: Do you sit there and watch people eat and thing "Oh, she ate this, so she must be ___?" People don't really notice or care when others eat. The thought never crosses their mind. Though, it makes sense for you to not want to eat in front of that girl because of what she said to you about your weight. But I wouldn't let her get to you! I see from you're avatar that you're a very beautiful girl.

As far as eating at school goes. You have to eat to keep your brain alert, and to keep in nutrients. I have a few ideas that might help you. Why don't you make a homemade lunch. Pack it full of healthy things. Then leave half of the lunch at home. If you eat half your lunch at school, it will give people the illusion of you not eating a lot, while still giving you the nutrients you need. Plus, you wouldn't have to worry about eating too fast or too slow. Then after school, I would finish the other half of your lunch. Another thing you can do is put some healthy, filling snacks in your back pack and eat them during passing time to other classes. This way people are in such a hurry, they won't notice you eating, thus making you feel more comfortable.

I know how hard it can be not to purge or take laxatives, but they are so harmful to your body. Those two things can be really damaging. I agree with the above posters, maybe throw them away or give them to someone who you trust, that way they will be out of reach for you. The hard part is not buying them once you've given them up. But for now, I would work on weaning yourself off of the pills, and to stop purging. I know how hard it is, but you really should stop. I went through what you're going through now, and purging only causes a mass amount of health issues. It's no fun. And you deserve so much better than that, lovely.

Lastly, I think it's great that you told your friend. It means that now you can talk to her when you're feeling down. I know it's hard to talk to people, but the ED is only going to get worse if you hold it all up inside of you. Make sure you're telling people when you're feeling down, or when you're feeling triggered to purge. I know it's not going to make everything disappear completely, but having someone to talk to will at least take the edge off. And of course, if you ever need anything, or anyone to talk to, you can PM me!

-Lyndsee

[Agoraphobia♥]

This is probably going to sound so stupid, but just hearing how much someone who really doesn't like know me except over the internet cares, it well, it made me cry. In a good way. Thank you so much Lynds, and everyone else too!

[Heartlines.]

I very much care! And I relate to what you're going through. You're quite lovely, and deserve all the care in the world! I hope I helped. Take care of yourself<3

[Le bonheur*]

Originally Posted by Amoroso

I very much care! And I relate to what you're going through. You're quite lovely, and deserve all the care in the world! I hope I helped. Take care of yourself<3

I second that. I relate as well so I understand what you're going through. I care <3