What can i do to help my friend? What should she do herself?

[jay34]

My friend has an eating disorder, she's bulimic. She's a sophomore in college now and has dealt with it since she was a freshman in high school, on and off. Finally, it got really bad earlier this year in April and she had to go to a rehab-type of place for a week. She eventually kind of bullcrapped her way out of that place because she didn't think she really "needed" to be there, especially when she saw many people that were worse off than she was. She really wasn't exactly ready, but she pretty much manipulated her mom to let her out. It actually gave her quite the wake up call since this was the worse she'd ever been with it. And she started doing pretty well with it for a little while.

I started getting a little more upset though, because she started drinking a lot. She really got into partying and she admitted that she did it take her mind off of eating and the eating disorder. Which is very unhealthy.

But she just started having "slip ups" lately with the eating disorder. And they started getting more often. I think they happen when she has a little too much free time. And I can't exactly help her much on that front, because she lives in New Jersey and I live in Pennsylvania. She moved from PA 2 years ago. She has friends there and here and she visits a lot, but I guess that just isn't enough sometimes.

She started dated a guy that lives in PA, one of our friends. So she does visit here usually every weekend. She eats mightily here and doesn't seem to think about the eating disorder. She's had a string of crappy, mean boyfriends in her life and I think that's hurt her self-esteem and made her disorder worse. But this our friend she is dating is a good-hearted guy and a good friend of mine, so I'm happy about that. He knows everything about her disorder too.

She started telling me recently that she's been "messing up" lately and it's worried me a bit. She often says she "doesn't like putting her problems on people" but I insist that I need to help her.

Her mother was always aware of the disorder and really wants to help her. But it's VERY hard on the mom and I think my friend doesn't want to scare her mom. Her mom is also pretty busy. And I think my friend believes that she's dissapointing people if she admits she's not doing better with the disorder. I insist she's not disappointing me or anyone. She also seems to have a problem with empathy. Maybe that doesn't have much to do with anything. But I think she believes that if she doesn't care much about other's problems, then she doesn't seem why she's worth the worry from other people. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

So anyway, now I'm getting a little afraid. Yesterday she told me she started cutting her wrists. She's been doing this throughout the week. And she never told anyone because she was afraid of scaring people. I was the first she told, and then her boyfriend saw the cuts and got upset. I asked her what made her do this, she told me "I hear all about how people do it to 'feel something' or 'let out emotions', but I didn't do it for that. I did it out of curiosity. I was reading a book about it and I was curious about it from the way it sounded". She knew how bad it was and she was upset about it.

So I don't really know what to do now. I don't want to tell her mom because then this girl will lose her trust in me. All I've told her so far is that I want her to call me before she purges or cuts. No matter what time of day, I'll be there for her. I wasn't angry with her when I said this. I assured her I wasn't disappointed in her. Because she thought people were. She says things like "I was supposed to be getting better and getting done with this, I don't need this I have school. But I can't help it and I hate this". She tells me that she can control the cutting. That she can honestly tell me that she can control the cutting, but when it comes to the eating disorder, she can't look me in the eye and tell me that she won't do that again.

Long story, I know. Not sure if I left anything out. But all I know is that I seem to be the most important male in her life. Her dad is around, but he drinks a good bit. He still loves her and sees her pretty often, but they're not that close. He blows her off a lot when they're supposed to spend time too. And I met her 4 years ago, we became very close friends. I can honestly say I'm probably the most important male in her life and I sometimes feel like her dad. It's quite a responsibility to put my myself, but I often feel like that. Her mom knows how important I am to this girl too, and how much I've done for her.

So I guess I'm looking for advice on what to do next. I'm nervous, scared and I just want my friend better and to not have to worry about this. She really does not like the idea of going back to that rehab, it really scares her i guess and she thinks she's better than that, expect she's been showing she's not better than that. She sees a therapist, but I'm not sure how much she tells that therapist.

[Revolution]

Hey,

I'm really happy that this girl has a friend that is as good as you. Many people with eating disorders do not have the support that she has, and she is lucky.
So she does want to recover, she has just had some rough times along the way? That's good. The thing you need to let her know is that you support her in her recovery, not her without recovery. You can't be enabling her, by supporting her in bad habits. That means if she begins binging and purging again, you, her mother, and her boyfriend need to let her know that you'll support her getting better, not going down the wrong path. This seems like the wrong thing to do, but a real friendship with an addict (or one suffering from an eating disorder) has to be strong enough to break if she continues making herself worse.

I would encourage her to talk to her therapist more, and maybe see if there are support groups in her area. Support groups for eating disorders are wonderful, because it's hard to talk to people without an eating disorder when you have one. They just don't understand. Being around people recovering really does help your own recovery.(Hence why TeenHelp is so great as well) And to be honest, encourage her to go back to treatment. Yes, she is scared, yes, it's a time commitment, yes, it costs money. But if she is serious about recovery, there are ways to be able to obtain money from the government (almost like a rehab scholarship) to be able to help her through. And never let "I don't have time" be an excuse for not going to treatment. Do you have time to live? Then you have time to get better.

At worst case scenario, you may have to sit her down as a group of her friends and family and give her an ultimatum. If she doesn't get better, you need to know that you guys need to keep your own safety and sanity in mind and that you cannot continue being friends with her if she does not help herself. I can tell by the way you have described her that she seems to want to get better, but if she starts changing her mind, your friendship can be in danger.

The last thing you need to realize: You are not her, you cannot change her mind, you cannot control the situation. Keep yourself in mind. Do not be mad because you can't change her, you only have so much control as her friend. And you need to accept that.

Last thing I'll give you are the resources for eating disorders on TeenHelp, I'm not sure how much they can help, but they can certainly give you some helpful information. Just click here.

I hope everything turns out alright, reply or message me if you need any more info!

[bailatyvm]

Hi there;

It sounds like your friend is trying to open up to you. When someone says that they're not doing too well, it's usually because they want to be helped and they want someone to ask the hard questions. I think she wants to tell you everything, I truly do. Are there any adult figures in her life that she really respects? I know talking to her mom might not be an option, but talking to some adult that might be able to get through to her might be a good option. Really, just let her know that you care about her. I think it's amazing that she has a friend that cares so much about her, and I really respect you for all that you're trying to do for her.

Best of luck!