I hate my relationship with food.

[Peppermint Tea.♥]

I feel like I can't do any of this right.

I can't eat normally without feeling guilty (and by normally I mean within the guideline amount.) I shouldn't feel guilty after the amount of food I eat, I know, but I just can't help it.

I feel happy when I don't eat. When I manage to starve myself. Because it gives me this feeling of control and because it's on my mind nothing else is. But then it's scary because after a bit I actually can't eat it, I feel sick and I can't get it near my mouth, it takes me ages to eat a little bit.

But then I fail and I end up binge eating. I don't usually manage to eat as much as I think most people binging do, often I'm still under the guideline amount for the day, but it's all snack food and eaten really fast and I hate it. I feel really guilty and awful about it.

But I'm confused. I don't want an eating disorder, but also I don't want to struggle with this for ages without much help. My boyfriend has been trying to help me, but it's not really working.

Some days I eat a dangerously low amount. But most days I end up consuming a normal amount of food. Well, I think it's below normal, but it's not dangerously low. And all the feelings of low self esteem and fear of weight gain and everything, that's all there.

I don't want to go to the doctors because I'm scared of them saying there's nothing wrong, go away. But I'm also scared of getting some form of diagnosis. I know it's wrong to think that anorexia is the 'best' eating disorder to have, but sometimes it feels like if I'm going to have issues with food, why can't I just not eat it. Why can't I just starve myself, instead of having so much trouble with eating too much, and feeling guilty, and swinging between the two?

I don't know what to do at the moment, I thought I'd ask for some advice, because I've finally recognised that something is up. I'm out of control.

[Revolution]

Hester, I'm so glad you're realizing this is a problem. You are such a beautiful person, it is horrible to watch you continue to suffer. I'm glad you have a support system as well, your boyfriend cares about you, even if he seems like he's harming your efforts, it's all in good intent.

I would plead you to see a doctor. This has gone on for a long time, and the longer you let it go on, the worse it's going to get. An eating disorder doesn't develop overnight, this has gone on a long time, and the longer you've done it, the less you've been eating. Anorexia isn't something that can't happen, it very well might, and as much as it sounds easier, you do not want to get to that point.

If you are uncomfortable talking to a doctor or psychologist directly, talk to an adult you trust, such as a parent, sibling, teacher, or school counselor. There are many more on this wonderful link to our Who Can Help Me page. It is for Suicide and Depression, but it works very well in this circumstance as well. If you are too scared to tell them directly, consider writing an email or a letter, which can be less scary and easier to be direct.

Good luck, please learn to love yourself and live a happy healthy life! I'll always be here for you.

[Peppermint Tea.♥]

Would the counselor listen to me? I'm scared because he didn't take me seriously when I told him about feeling suicidal. I can't see how this will be any different.

[Revolution]

I think you need to see a different one, not taking somebody saying they are suicidal seriously is just...horrible. It's not you, that's just not being a good professional. Is there anybody else you could see?

[Peppermint Tea.♥]

I don't know. He's the only person at the school.