Food battles

[Peppermint Tea.♥]

I've been trying to eat normally. And I've been failing.

The last few days I've just been crazy binging and I've put on a tiny amount of weight. Not much, but enough to freak me out.

But I don't want to restrict. I don't want to be at either end of the spectrum. I want to get better and not care about food.

So lunch today I tried to eat normally and got myself some food from the shop. Although I don't actually know really how big a normal meal is, to me the whole pot was a lot more than I would normally eat. For reference, the shop was selling the pot as a third of the meal deal, meaning that most people I guess would eat two more items on top of it.

All the while I was eating it I was having a battle in my head. It was like there were two voices. One was saying stop eating, you've eaten too much. Only eat half. Offer it to someone else. Throw it away. You're eating too much. And the other one was wanting me to scoff it down really fast and go back in the shop and buy more food and binge and eat and eat.

That makes me sound crazy... They're both my voice really, but there were two ideas going on. And I ate really slowly and I managed to eat almost the whole pot but it was such hard work, and even though I had friends all around me it felt like it was just me and the food. Ugh, it was hard.

I don't know how to make it stop. The battles I mean. If I only binged, then I'd be fighting eating too much. If I only restricted I'd be fighting eating too little. But I'm fighting both and somehow both at the exact same time. It makes eating so tiring. I want to recover but I don't know how without wearing myself out completely. :/