Triggering: Please, I need advice...

[bayhorse321]

I guess I really don't know what I'm doing or what this is or isn't. Okay well I having been purging after I eat and well now I do it like when I can. Like at school when we had a little senior part I ate even though I didn't want to but kept it down because well I was at school. If I'm home then nothing stays down. It is kind of scaring me now. I guess I'm maybe more aware of my body or its my imagination, but every few beats of my heart feels like uhm kind of like a blip. How can I say this it's like a twitch of my heart. I already have an irregular heart beat and it's suppose to be normal with this age but it runs in my family. I know what I do is wrong but I haven't cut in a while. I know its acting as a substitute for the cutting but I don't know what to do. If I tell my school counselor she will with out a doubt tell my mother. I know I need to stop but I don't know what I can do or need to do. Please to be helped

[Palmolive]

Hi there.

From reading what you have said, it sounds like you're doing this as a form of self harm. If this is the case, I think that you should take a look at this list of alternatives to self harm. When you feel like you want to make yourself sick, try distracting yourself to get your mind to focus on something else. When you self harmed (well done for stopping cutting by the way!) what did you do it for? Punishment? Pain? Release? Is this the same reason why you make yourself sick?

You being eighteen makes me wonder whether you telling your school counselor, would mean they'd have to tell your parents. Simply because you're over eighteen and you're now responsible for yourself. However, if you don't want talk to them, then you cay try talking to your doctor. They will have no legal obligation to tell your parents, again due to the fact that you're eighteen and therefor you can still get help without your parents knowing. They'll be able to advise you where to go to for help as well as even getting the help for you. Help is out there but if you want it, you need to ask for it.

I do however think that maybe your parents knowing might be good, so they can also support you through this. At the end of the day they love and care about you and I feel sure they would want to help you. But if you really don't want them knowing, I don't want that to stop you from getting the help and support that you need, that you deserve, which is why I would still encourage you to get help without them knowing.

I know it's hard to beat this and I'm not saying it is going to be easy, because it won't be. I imagine it's going to be pretty damn hard, tiring and it's going to take time. But if you keep at it, you can do it, you can beat it and you don't ever have to do it alone. We're always here for you too. Don't stop fighting, you are worth so much more.

Look after yourself and keep yourself safe.
Jessie

[bayhorse321]

My counselor will tell. I know because I talked to her about my cutting and she said she had to. I have no insurance at all and no money. My mom is my parents so to speak and she is never home. Maybe once a week now. Not her fault but eh. I thought it was a form of self harm to but now when I gain it makes me so angry and upset. It still could be a form of SH but idk. My last 3 remaining friends said that if they noticed any more cuts or me hiding them that they were done being my friend. It hurts and makes me want to like them saying that doesn't help at all. And oddly for me I just found a page my twin wrote and I'm pretty sure she has an ED. I guess it didn't occur to me that she hurts to. Idk what to do anymore

[Palmolive]

Hi there.

I find it hard to believe that at eighteen, your school will pass on the information to your parents and I don't honestly agree that they should do that and I am sorry for you sake, that this is stopping you from having their help.

Can I ask you why you don't want your parents knowing? If you really don't want to say, that's fine, but I'm just curious as to what's so bad about them finding out that it's going to stop you from getting help.

Jessie

[bayhorse321]

You should see how my mom treats me because of the cutting. Trust me it's best she doesn't know. Also I know you don't believe me about the school telling but they do. Even though I'm 18 I still live in her house, she is still my legal gardian. My counselor told me that she would tell because she isn't trained for this kind of thing. Nvm on this. I will be fine. Thanks for taking time to reply. hope I wasn't to much of a bother

[SoraKat]

Shana, I love you dearly.

I do it as SH too... its like a release and you dont have anything to hide (it seems)... and i know your situation too. But i want you to remember at the end of the day there is someone that loves you. for one, I love you, even though I havent been around enough lately.... i really havent :/ im sorry. its stupid of me to be such a bad friend when you need me the most. And then God is there, and i know how annoying it can be to pray because it feels like no one answers, but i think that we are friends for a very good reason. You got me through the suicidal side of me, and i think things (in that area) are really pulling back together. Finally... I dont know what changed other than I realized that I have a purpose... which was harder to see than it seems. I know how you feel now though, with the whole purging thing. Heres what i suggest, its stupid but im pretty sure it might work. Go on a long walk somewhere away from your house with some food that is healthy and wont make you feel completely disgusting. Eat it, and then walk back. I feel like the walking would help suppress the want to purge.... mostly because its easier for me to resist when i start exercising right after i eat... and then you are away from home too.

I know thats a dumb suggestion, but its what i can think of right now.

you are never a bother, people just get frustrated when you actually have a good reason to go against their usual advice. I do that sometimes, but i think i have gotten a LITTLE better about that. You can get through this Shana, dont die on me okay? dont have a heart attack either. Bulimia increases the risk of heart problems... dont do cardio please until this problem is fixed. (my friend almost died......) at least thats what i advise...

i love you dearest.

<3 Sora

[bayhorse321]

My dear friend thankyou for caring. I guess trying it wouldn't hurt. You help me a ton and are always a great friend to me. Don't beat yourself up Katie. You have to help yourself first. You are most important.

[bayhorse321]

You are my best friend sora. Don't forget that. Or how helpful you are to me. I'm so glad your better. It lifts my spirits.

[Palmolive]

Hi there.

I wasn't aware it was different where you live. In the UK your parents are only your legal guardian until you are eighteen and I assumed it was the same for there.

I just wanted to tell you that I never thought you weren't telling the truth about your school, I did believe you and I don't think I ever said I didn't. I just didn't want that to stop you from getting help.

I guess at the end of the day you need to make the choice of whether to get help with your parents finding out, or not getting help and trying to do this on your own. If you choose to do this on your own, we'll be here for you as much as we can be. I know it's hard for you right now but you're worth so much more than this so keep fighting it.

Hope you're well.
Jessie

[bayhorse321]

I'm sorry I took things so personally. It's been hard these last few days for me for other reasons. I know I have to get help and I need to for my boyfriend and myself. I'm sick of driving everyone away.