Feeling restricted by my anorexic boyfriend

[shoesandglitter]

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone reading this thread. I truly appreciate every bit of advice.

So, my boyfriend suffered from anorexia for many years. He's finally managed to win his battle, and he's been okay for about 2 years now. He's still making progress and it's amazing to see him get better and better every day. He says it's all thanks to me, and I'm so proud of him. I've always tried my best to help him and believe me, he's a changed man.

3 years ago when I met him....He would go three days without any food. He'd make himself throw up after almost every meal. And today? We live together. Sometimes he will say 'Hey let's go buy a massive pizza and some Ben&Jerry's', and we do. He says he feels comfortable eating around me and I'm so glad that he does. He doesn't throw up anymore, I think he hasn't done that in over 1,5 years.

I've never suffered from an ed myself. I was really fat a long time ago, and I managed to lose [EDITED], but I knew when to stop losing weight so I never crossed that line. But recently I gained a little bit of extra weight that I'd like to lose. I always feel fat after Christmas but this time it's more than normal. I just want to lose a little bit so I can feel good about myself again.

The problem is, every time I tell my boyfriend that I want to try and lose weight, he reacts terribly. 'You're super skinny, you don't need to lose weight'. I want him to eat, but if I don't eat, he doesn't either. He is extremaly dependant on me when it comes to food. Like the pizza thing I mentioned before. If he's hungry and suggests a pizza, when I'd prefer something lighter, he won't have it on his own. He will have nothing no matter how much he fancies it. I'm so happy that he's getting better, but I kinda feel pressured to eat even when I don't want to. Sure I can just say no... But I want him to eat when he's hungry, not only when I do. Especially when I'm planning to eat way less since I want to lose weight.

I guess in a way you could say that I feel reponsible for his weight. Because I know have a very strong influence on him. It's not good, it's not healthy, but that's the way it is and that's how he's beaten anorexia. But I don't want to feel restricted because of that. I want him to maintain his current diet, but I know he won't if I start eating less. I sort of think he's scared of the thought that he'd eat more than me. I think in a way that'd make him feel very uncomfortable. How do I deal with this? I want my boyfriend to be happy and healthy, but I can't restrict myself like this... Sometimes I find myself exercising without him around and then lying about it, or lying about what I eat just so he doesn't get upset. I know it's unhealthy, but I'm just not sure how to deal with this. I don't want to hurt him but I need to think about myself too.

Thanks for reading x

[Revolution]

Hey there,

Congrats on your boyfriend's recovery! I'm so happy for both of you that he has been getting better. Congrats also on your patience with him. Dating somebody with any kind of mental health issue can be, well, very draining. I'm very glad you've been able to work it out the way you have.

This problem just requires communication. I would consider printing what you said here and showing him, honestly. He needs to know what he's doing is not making you happy. As hard as it may be, you just need to make sure he knows this. Let him know how happy you are for his recovery, but that you need to be able to have control over your own food, and that he cannot let your weight loss affect his recovery. I would also suggest that you speak to a counselor. If he's still seeing a counselor for his eating disorder, that would be a good person to see. Another person would be a couple's counselor who can be able to help you both as well. People who suffer from eating disorders very often use other people as an excuse for not eating, if somebody in their life is dieting, they will try to hang onto that. Make sure he knows he cannot do that, and that it is your choice for your own food.

Remember to lose weight a healthy weight yourself, and I hope everything works out for your boyfriend and you! Btw, welcome to TeenHelp! Feel free to message me at anytime if you're having any problems, or even just a question about the site! Have a nice day!

-Traci