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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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hello giraffie Offline
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Name: Sarah
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Exclamation going backwards. - March 29th 2009, 12:10 AM

Back in middle school I was diagnosed with Anorexia and Bulimia. But that was a few years ago.
But for the last month, or so, I've been skipping meals, and telling myself that a couple missed meals doesn't mean that my disorders have returned.
Last night, though, I made myself throw up. It felt so familliar and good and I couldn't stop.
I've developed this constant voice in my head telling me that I'm not good enough, that I'm too heavy and no one will ever want me.
These feeling I've been having recently are really scary, and I know they're bad, but they're so familiar, and I like that.
I really don't know what to do right now. I don't want to scare anyone by telling them, especially if this is nothing big. but I don't want it to get out of control again.
I'm also sort of afraid no one will believe me, because I'm not skinny anymore. I've gained a lot of weight since I recovered from the last time, so I'm afraid people will just look at me and tell me I don't have an ED.
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Jen Offline
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Re: going backwards. - March 29th 2009, 12:16 AM

Sarah~
I am so sorry to hear you've been struggling lately. It sounds like you're doing a great job tuning in to the different thoughts and emotions that are coming up for you. It also sounds like you are liking the comfort of your behaviors. In what other, healthy ways could you find that comfort? What are some healthy coping mechanisms? I know it might seem like people wouldn't understand, or would be scared, but people are there to help. Could you talk to your parents or another adult? Getting some professional help would be really beneficial.
Fight for that freedom from ED--it's possible!
Jen
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Re: going backwards. - March 29th 2009, 12:27 AM

Hi Sarah!

*great big hug* You are good enough. You are nottoo heavy. You are going to be wanted. Always. That voice in your head, isn't right. It's a dark, poisonous voice. The only truth is that you are a wonderful person and you deserve the best for you and your body.

Skipping meals is a sign of them returning, as well as making yourself sick. It may not seem like it to you, but that is how things start. The first time becomes a second and a third and a fourth until you've lost yourself. You have overcome this before, you can see that you DO have the ability to be healthy and good to your body.

I believe you. I know that when you talk so openly and honestly about a sensitive subject to you means that it is real, you do need help. You have taken such a huge step by coming on here and talking about it! Letting it out, seeking advice is the first step!

You don't want to let it get out of control, that is wonderful! You have the strength within you to make sure it does not consume you and govern you. You are a beautiful person and your body is a part of you! These feelings are comfortable because it became such a strong, powerful force over you at one point. You have got to tell yourself that they harm more than they help!

It might be good for you to talk to someone you trust about this or seek a place that can help you specifically. But don't forget, the fact that you are here and talking about it is a major step!

If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to PM me. =]

-Mary-
   
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hello giraffie Offline
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Re: going backwards. - March 30th 2009, 09:14 PM

Thank you so much fr the advice.
The voice is ust so strong, though, it's so hard to ignore.
I feel like I'm falling back into this faster than I can control.
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Jen Offline
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Re: going backwards. - March 30th 2009, 10:09 PM

Hi Sarah,
I know how easy it is to get sucked into listening to the voice. What can you do to combat it? Can you reach out in real time--to a parent, family friend, teacher, doctor? Arming yourself with all that support is the best way to fight.
In the meantime, keep writing when it's helpful and if you want to chat, I'm here.
Jen




"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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