When will it end...?

[OmNom]

This might be kinda long... Just ranting and getting it all out of my system... Sorry for any typos and no paragraph breaks - on my iPod.*

My sister was ALWAYS a moody and troublesome kid, she was constantly dealing with social issues and all the usual teen stuff and whole she is a great student academically, she failed to see that and always put herself down. Now from what my parents told me, the ED behavior started last February or so, although I only figured out when they told me over the summer. I noticed the constant screaming and crying and arguments with my parents coming from upstairs but it was only in July that my parents explained to me what it was. This was when she was sent to her first treatment. It was a low level of treatment but she did stay there 24/7. My entire family (younger sisters and older brother and myself and parents) would go visit her on Sundays and hang out with her. I still had no idea how serious it was. My family has a history of going on AWESOME vacations but, my sister was still in treatment through the beginning of school and so we missed our summer vacation and spent it in the treatment center with her instead. Also for my birthday, we went to an amusement park but the entire time my parents were focused on my sister and I still didn't really get how serious it was so the day ended with me crying in my bed about how my parents hate me and only care about my sister (oh how stupid I feel about that now...). So anyway, she started going back to school (slowly - going a couple of classes per day and then slowly adding 3 classes, 5 classes, etc) and would always go home with my mom for lunch and for snack (her school is about a 5 minute drive - pretty convenient). Meanwhile, everything at home was tense and depressing. She would come home EVERYDAY and either she would refuse to follow her meal plan and not eat or complain about school work or throw a temper tantrum and scream and cry and break things around the house or all the above. After a couple of months of struggling and tossing meals and losing weight, she was sent to a high level of treatment in a another state pretty much halfway across the country. Obviously my parents had to go with her and were away for a week in the beginning, and about 3 weeks when she was discharged, which left me with a total of 1 month of me staying in neighbors basements and coming home from school each day, crying in my bed and then getting work done, then going to my neighbor for dinner and going to sleep pretty much. I was miserable, I was depressed, and most of all I hated my sister and my parents. Now to step back for a second, over the course of these events I was slowly learning more and more about eating disorders and realizing how serious it really is, but still couldn't grasp that it wasn't in my sisters control sometimes and that it really is that challenging to eat food. So I was still upset with her. When she came back, she was a little nervous being back around us (my sisters and I) but seemed to be doing OK. Then on a Saturday night, about 3 days after she came home, I came home from school to find my sister struggling to eat dinner and eventually refusing to finish and boosting with an ensure milkshake. She stormed up to her room crying and started her homework. A little later my parents went to check on her and they got into some argument and she ran out of the house. My parents had apparently asked one of the therapists what to do if this happens at a previous appointment and she said to let her go, she'll come back. So they let her go. About an hour later my mom called her cellphone and got no answer. Texted her asking where she is, got a text back saying something like "I'm ok. Stop texting me". It went back and forth for about an hour - my mom texting her since she refused to call - and ended when my dad finally figured out where she was and got her and brought her home. She obviously was NOT happy and made it very clear when she refused to take her medications - which apparently calm her down. I was upstairs trying to fall asleep when the screaming started. There was the usual "I hate you!" "I hope you die" and the string of curse words and then it usually ends once she gives in and takes her meds. But tonight she wouldn't stop. She eventually started knocking things over - stacks of sheet music in top of our piano, little stuff lying around on counters, etc. the screaming was getting more intense until I heard shattering of glass and my dad screaming "OH MY GOD! SHES GOING FOR THE GLASS!" and then my mom called 911. By the time the ambulance showed up she calmed herself down and acted as if nothing happened, walked right into the ambulance and they drive away. I was left curled up in a ball crying and shaking uncontrollably until my dad came upstairs. Things started to get better until finally my parents felt safe leaving her at home with just me and left for my dads coworkers wedding. I stayed home and watched tv downstairs until I heard her slowly and almost silently coming down the stairs. I heard a wrapper crinkle and knew what she was doing. My parents warned me about this... I tried to stop her but she made it to her bathroom and locked the door. I grabbed the phone and called my parents while she started to purge. I had to listen to it because I was frozen in place and couldn't move away from the door. Those are basically the few most traumatic parts of this whole thing for me. Since then (it's been a few months) things have just been a real roller coaster. Ups and downs and times where I think she's better and times I think she's gonna die... And times when I kind of WANT her to die... But it's really just too much for me sometimes. I used to try to shield my two younger sisters from the whole thing but I just don't have the energy. My parents try their hardest to focus on me, but my sisters come first, along with their jobs and everything else. So I'm kinda stuck here with not much attention and wondering if it will ever end. Because right now it feels like its been forever and there isn't much light at the end of the tunnel from my view. now that THAT'S outta my system...

[will was here]

Hi. I guess the first thing I want to say is this is totally unfair to you. It isn't fair that your sister is hurting herself. it isn't fair that she's making you worry. But you have to know that this is not your fault. at this point i think that even though your sister is important and even though you should try to protect her there comes a point where you have to take care of yourself first. you ever hear of the emergencey proceedings on the air planes? Put your mask on first then put on your child's. You need to put on your mask first before putting on your sister's. Try to detach yourself emotionally from her at this point. She needs help but it may be out of your hands. Its so sad but you can't let her drown you. Problems can be contagious. I know you love her. that's beautiful. but you have needs too.

And you know something? when you feel like you can help and it will not hurt you emotionally you should help out. Even if it's a small thing. because every little bit counts. and even when you feel like you are not strong enough and this is too much for you to deal with just look inward and think of all the things you have done to support her. Maybe you kept her company at some time. I can tell you one thing that you did for her. You love her. That's the most important thing you could do! You care for her and you are going to be there for her when and if she needs to go to you to talk or whatever. let her know that. even if she responds in a way that you were not hoping for you are a phenominal person for having that available to her.

You are stronger than you think.....

[OmNom]

Originally Posted by will was here

Hi. I guess the first thing I want to say is this is totally unfair to you. It isn't fair that your sister is hurting herself. it isn't fair that she's making you worry. But you have to know that this is not your fault. at this point i think that even though your sister is important and even though you should try to protect her there comes a point where you have to take care of yourself first. you ever hear of the emergencey proceedings on the air planes? Put your mask on first then put on your child's. You need to put on your mask first before putting on your sister's. Try to detach yourself emotionally from her at this point. She needs help but it may be out of your hands. Its so sad but you can't let her drown you. Problems can be contagious. I know you love her. that's beautiful. but you have needs too.

And you know something? when you feel like you can help and it will not hurt you emotionally you should help out. Even if it's a small thing. because every little bit counts. and even when you feel like you are not strong enough and this is too much for you to deal with just look inward and think of all the things you have done to support her. Maybe you kept her company at some time. I can tell you one thing that you did for her. You love her. That's the most important thing you could do! You care for her and you are going to be there for her when and if she needs to go to you to talk or whatever. let her know that. even if she responds in a way that you were not hoping for you are a phenominal person for having that available to her.

You are stronger than you think.....

Thanks. Update: We were sitting down at dinner last night and after playing with her food for a while she stood up and said she wouldn't eat it and started walking away from the table. At which point i let loose alll my emotions without even thinking and yelled "YOUVE RUINED ENOUGH OF MY LIFE. WHY CAN'T YOY JUST SIT DOWN AND EAT IT!" and broke out crying which set off my two younger sisters who started crying too and then she sat down and just ate
It. It was really emotional and I was just a wreck but she ate it and I finally let her know how she's not just impacting herself. I was kinda proud of myself