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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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i hate my bones - April 13th 2017, 04:24 AM

my bone structure, to be specific.

i'm finally on a strict workout plan, though still on my own without help from a personal trainer or anything. and still eating the same shitty food that my family buys because "healthy food is too expensive". though i feel like i'm finally balancing exercise and my diet and school a whole lot better than i was before.

i've only been on this particular workout schedule for two weeks now. it's said that it takes 3 weeks for you to notice a change in yourself, but i'm already seeing that the things i'm working on are starting to form to where i want them.

however, even though it really empowers me to be able to change the things i don't like about my body into things i do like, one of my biggest struggles has always been comparing myself to other people. i've been working on it... see, i used to see girls who had such small, fit waists but still had such beautiful curves in their breasts and butts and i would hate them. i'm not talking about models or anything, i'm talking about everyday people at my school. i hated them because i thought, "why couldn't i be born in their body? why was i born with this piece of shit?"
after complaining to a friend about how it was upsetting to see fit, sexy people, she said she feels jealous, but recognizes that they worked hard to get that body. and since she wasn't working hard, she could only blame herself for not having that body.

so now i look at those people with that mindset, because it makes sense they wouldn't just be born so perfectly thin and thick in all the right parts, right?
but that made me move on to hating something else... my bone structure. i've been super dedicated to a fitness lifestyle for over a year now, but have always tried working out and getting the body i want. (it just wasn't until i got a proper PE teacher who inspired me and taught me how to do fitness the RIGHT way that i started taking it super seriously.) and i can grow my glute muscles, no problem. i can firm up my core and not have as much fat on my belly, yay. i can tone my arms and i can tone my legs.
but you know what i can't do?

change my bones.
change my genetics.
change the natural, ugly shape my body has.

i don't mean to say that i don't appreciate the progress i've made this past year. my calf muscles are so hard when i flex them, poking the muscle is like poking a wall. it's beautiful, honestly.
but no matter how much progress i make, i will never be able to change the fact that i have a huge ribcage, and thus am fairly wide. i think this is true for most people, but i look a lot skinnier from the side than i do from the front.
but what bothers me is that i have little to no waist. there's not really a prominent dip in the middle... like the thinnest, innermost part of an hourglass, i don't have a nice dip that rounds out to nice hips.
i have hip dips as well, but i can already see that those are being filled in as i've been especially working on those.
but i really just hate how big my ribcage is, and how wide my body is. it's not like i'm abnormal compared to most people, it's just that seeing people who were blessed with naturally tinier ribcages and narrower waists than me frustrates and saddens me so much.
so no matter how many "waist cinching exercises" i do, i will never have a nice hourglass figure.

in addition to that, i absolutely hate my breasts. they're way too small. and i can never change that, because breasts are the one thing i've been told you can't change just by exercise.

it just feels nearly impossible to deal with the things i can't change about myself. i suppose there's some bullshit answer to this, like "that's what makes you YOU~!" but honestly, i don't give a fuck. i don't want to be me, that's the problem.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
   
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Re: i hate my bones - April 13th 2017, 08:37 AM

What is behind the desire to have a body like people whom you envy?

As in, if you had that body, then what else would be different?

Or what do those other people get for having their beautiful body?

I see that you like your calf muscles. ��

Are there any other parts you like?
   
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