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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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Everything's going downhill again - September 7th 2017, 05:41 PM

I'm at a point in my life where everything on the outside is finally going right. I'm in the process of being hired at a local grocery store, I have a boyfriend somehow, I'm going to school and loving it, and I'm doing decent socially. I mostly just stick to my same old high school friends, but I've been talking to new people too, and a lot less anxious over it. It's cool.

But now that everything on the outside makes it look like I should be happy, everything internal that I've pushed down is kind of coming back up to the surface.
I've talked a few times about my feelings for my boyfriend and how I really don't feel much at all towards him. Sometimes I'm even grossed out to be with him. Like one day his lips were chapped and I actually felt like throwing up when he went to kiss me. I don't think you should feel that way towards someone you're supposed to care about.
He made me cry the other night because he got mad, because I'm constantly joking around and playing with him. He was mad that every other thing that comes out of my mouth is a joke and he needs me to be serious sometimes. But I literally can't comprehend how what we were talking about at the time was serious at all. It's scary because yesterday he was telling me about how he'll probably be able to buy an apartment... in about a year. And he was wanting me to move in too. In a year. I wasn't even planning that far in the future, and it's gross that he is. Maybe it's just because he's taking this relationship seriously and I'm really not, but I don't know. I'm not really even that attracted to him. Like I kind of avoid looking at pictures of him, because he looks really bad in pictures, and I get really uncomfortable for some reason when I look at them. He looks better in real life, but idk.
I kind of wish I could just cut him off and not have to deal with anything, but then I'll just go back to being lonely and wishing I had a boyfriend. So i don't understand what I want.
At the moment, I have nothing better to do than to just stick it out with him and see where this might go, like everyone has been advising me to. But I don't really feel anything holding me back from pursuing anyone else, if the situation arises. There's literally no feelings attached to this, and that's another problem.

I don't know if I can't have feelings for him because I don't like him, because I'm still attached to my "ex", or because I'm "broken".
Even though I said a lot of negative things about him above, I do enjoy talking to him and he's really funny. But we don't have any foundation to our relationship, which is why I really didn't want to rush. All that's there is our personalities, and we just hang out. There's not really any trust or love or any real bond, just it's fun to hang out.
I don't know if I'm really still attached to the guy I was in love with either, though. I definitely don't still love him, but I do love who he was and who I thought he was. It's cliche to say I loved the idea of him, but I think that's accurate. But I think what's really hurting now is everything else I lost in him. He was the only person I could ever go to for advice and to talk about things in my life. He was the first person I would tell everything to. Definitely was my best friend. He was also my workout buddy, and part of the drive to work my ass off everyday was to get better so I could impress him. He'd give me advice and was basically a personal trainer. We'd celebrate each others little victories in working out and it was great.
I recently asked him if we would ever be friends and if we would ever talk again. He said he doesn't have anything against me and he guesses, sure, we would talk again. But it just didn't sound convincing at all. I felt stupid for asking and showing him that I still wanted him in my life, when obviously if he wanted me back he'd be talking to me. I just wish he would text me first, because I know I'm a bother.

Speaking of working out, I have absolutely no motivation anymore. I constantly hate myself every day that passes and I don't workout. I can see my progress just slipping out of my hands and I really beat myself up about it. But for some reason, I just can't fucking get up and do it. I feel like every time I do force myself to workout, I don't give 100%, so it's a waste of time and it makes no difference anyway.
I feel really fat. I've always had a little bit of a stomach, but I focused a lot of my muscle growth on my butt so that made my stomach not matter as much. However, now that I haven't been working anything, my stomach is bigger and my butt is so much smaller. It's fucking depressing, I look absolutely disgusting. I can feel the fat under my jaw and I know I'm just gross.
Even when I do workout, my family buys the shittiest of food. Seriously, I went to the store with them the other day, and it would be so easy to just NOT buy junk food like chips and cookies. Every time my dad would ask which kind to get, I would say, "Or we could just get neither!" But he would still get them. Just the simple change of not even having junk food in the house would help with my diet so much, because it eliminates urges. It's a lot easier to say no to junk if it's down the street in the store, rather than in the kitchen cabinet. I constantly beg them to buy healthy food, like vegetables and fruit. But it's never "on sale". Well if we gave up the chips and cookies, we could use that extra money to spend a bit more on the healthy shit.
It's just really discouraging, and now that I have no one pushing me to do better, it's even worse.

I'm also completely fucking broke and I hate myself immensely for letting this happen. I had a guy earlier this year who played me and made me waste about $200 on him. That was bad enough, but I still had a couple hundred in the bank. I don't know what the fuck I did, though, but I now have under $100 in my bank account. Absolutely no money in my wallet. I am broke.
I'm terrified to let my parents know I have no money though, because they'll ask what happened to it all. I used to have almost $800 saved up from over all the years, and I just blew it... mostly on going to meet guys and having to buy gas without letting my parents know, so that they wouldn't know I used up so much in such a short period of time or something. Also buying food for those guys and shit. I'm just a complete fucking idiot.
I'm desperate to finally start this job, but there's so many delays and I probably won't be working until the last week of this month.

God I hate myself. I've even been considering cutting again. The other day I accidentally cut my finger on something, and I didn't realize that thing was sharp enough to pierce skin. So now I'm really tempted to try it out on my wrist and "see how good it works". Isn't that fucking insane? Like who thinks like this?

Every day I consider emailing my old counselor at the rape crisis center. But I wouldn't even know what to say. I really want to go and just talk to her about everything, but I'm sure, since it's free counseling specifically for a rape crisis center, I would have to really "play up" how badly the rape stuff is still affecting me.
Which it is, don't get me wrong. The case pretty much ended recently, and I still feel like it's my fault nothing was able to be done about it. But right now, that's the least of my problems, really. That can't be changed, but maybe this stuff can be?
I just don't know how to tell her I need to talk again. And I don't know what to do in the mean time. (Oh, and even though I said I do have friends, I really don't like bringing this stuff up with them. It only helps to talk it out, it never solves the problem, and that's what I want to do.)


EDIT:: I'm actually starting to wonder if maybe the mixed feelings towards my boyfriend could be because of my period? I'm currently taking a month break from the birth control pills, just to see, and so it's my first "real period"
in awhile. it hasn't actually started yet but I forgot how bad pms symptoms really are when I'm not on the pill. Could this explain it?


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Last edited by Jess~; September 8th 2017 at 05:03 AM.
   
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Re: Everything's going downhill again - September 8th 2017, 05:32 PM

The PMS could partly explain your feelings towards your boyfriend, but equally, it sounds like there you both may have different expectations of the relationship, which may be worth talking about. You aren't broken but rape can cause problems with intimacy, but on the other hand you may simply not feel attracted to him. And though you may not be in love with your ex, you do miss him, which I guess only adds to the confusion.

I know the pain of mostly having junk food at home! Perhaps seeing as you are in the process of getting hired, you can set aside some money for healthy food. It'll take some will power to not snack on the unhealthy alternatives, but perhaps if you are invested in some way it may be more motivating. As for working out, if it's been a while then start small and ease yourself back into a routine. You can workout for yourself and it's a bonus if you end up impressing others!

Being broke is no fun, and it's horrible just watching the money in your account going down, more so if you feel you wasted it. Understandably, you wouldn't want to tell your parents why you are broke. And while you can't change what happened, you'll be able to make some of the money back when you start earning. You're not an idiot at all, in fact, I'd say that you were generous. But it's good to make sure in future that you don't go out of your way paying for things.

Your struggling, perhaps because as you said, everything on the outside looks good and you feel you should be happy, but you aren't. And if you aren't able to express this, it can be tempting to self-harm. But it's not worth it at all. It's definitely worth getting back in touch with your counsellor. You aren't 'playing up' the effects of the rape as it sounds like it's still affecting you and you could benefit from the support. Perhaps contact the counsellor and say that you have been struggling with things and would like some support. And even if talking to friends doesn't solve things, they can still support and motivate you to make changes or find solutions.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Everything's going downhill again - September 8th 2017, 06:35 PM

First I just want to say thank you so much for the response, it helped calm me down a lot.

I do want to talk to him about it, but I just don't want to hurt him or blame it on him. Even though he is the one who "forced" the relationship, I ultimately said yes, and even at the moment I said yes I knew it wasn't right, but I was just worried. I don't want to say I was worried of losing him because, as harsh as it sounds, I'm still don't really care if I lose him. But I think I didn't want to lose the potential that he represented. I knew dating him could go good or bad, and he made it seem like if I held off for too long he wouldn't stick around.
I honestly don't think he really would've cut me off or anything, I know he likes me. But he would say things about other girls to get me jealous or worried and then say, "What? I'm single, I can do whatever and not feel bad about it. If I was in a relationship it'd be different." I'm so used to being second-best that I think the idea of being left for someone else scared me, so maybe that's why I said yes?

Anyway, I don't know how to tell him that I don't have feelings for him and this is why I didn't want to rush. But if the moment ever comes up I'll tell him some of it.
Also, this is extremely selfish and I'm aware of it and I'm not going to let myself take advantage of him like this, but I kind of just appreciate having a boyfriend there because he sort of... I don't know how to say this right. I guess he helps me feel more financially stable. I don't think anyone could deny that having someone who is more than willing to buy you food and things is awesome. He's even paying for my gas today, because I'm driving out to go see him. It's not like I'm forcing him to buy me anything though, I really don't want to use him. But it is a reason that I feel glad to have him and I don't know if that's the healthiest thing to think.

I am definitely going to buy my own food when I have the money, along with a gym membership. But again, it'll probably be about a month before I get my first paycheck. I'll just have to deal with it until then.

I think I will contact my counselor and see what she can do. I guess part of me just feels embarrassed for not being able to take care of myself emotionally, yet again.
But thank you so much for the advice, I seriously do appreciate it.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Everything's going downhill again - September 12th 2017, 05:56 PM

Ugh. The other day we hung out and he kept telling me mushy things like how he wants me to tell my parents about him so that we can move "forward" in our relationship, because he wants me to "be his". We were watching a movie and I was laying down with my head in his lap and I started to fall asleep. But I opened my eyes and saw him looking at me. And he said, "Sorry, I'm not tryna be creepy and watch you sleep, but you're just so beautiful." Like, I guess that's cute? But to me it just feels weird and gross for some reason.
Logically in my head I can understand that he's a great guy and that he obviously cares. I don't think he's going to treat me horribly, like my past boyfriends have. I think he wants to take care of me and I think that he's going to. But that's just the thing, he's not treating me the way I'm used to being treated.
This feeling happened before with a guy who kept trying to date me but I wasn't interested in. A lot of it had to do with how gross I felt when he treated me so good, and bought me gifts and supported me and stuff. I told my counselor about it and she said that when we're so used to something being "normal", even if it's a bad thing, it feels "gross" and uncomfortable to experience things outside of that norm. She related it to how foster kids and kids who come from abusive homes, when they go to a new home with a family who treats them right and shows them love and care, a lot of times they'll act out or run away from that. Because it feels weird, and not anything like what they grew up knowing "home" to be like.

I think that's kind of how this is, and part of the reason it makes me so uncomfortable. Honestly, if he cheated on me or hit me or anything, I wouldn't be surprised. But when he says shit like how he wants me and wants to take care of me, that surprises me a lot. I truly didn't believe real people said that bullshit outloud, I thought it was only in corny romance movies.

I have to tell my parents about him this week before Saturday, because he said he's coming over no matter what because he wants them to accept us so that we can start spending more time together. Which is terrifying. I don't want that to happen. But whatever.

I emailed my counselor in hopes of setting up an appointment before this weekend, so I could get her advice on how to tell my parents. But she's booked until next week. When I try to ask my friends how I should tell them, they just jokingly say, "DON'T" and continue to roast my parents for being so strict and "crazy".
Nobody seems to think it's such a big deal, but they don't know my family or my relationship with them.

I am forcing myself to at least get back into my schedule of working out. I think that the reason I was so discouraged was just because of the PMS and bloating. Now that it's gone down, I want to make sure I never get like that "permanently", so I'm more motivated to workout.


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Everything's going downhill again - September 13th 2017, 01:09 PM

It's a shame that your counsellor is fully booked, and I'm sorry to hear that your friends aren't being very supportive.

I definitely agree with your counsellor about how being treated badly becomes 'normal' and we sort of expect that so when someone treats us kindly and lovingly, it can feel very weird and even scary if we aren't used to it.

I'm wondering if perhaps establishing some boundaries first might help? It's touching for your boyfriend to want to take care of you, and even pay for your gas and stuff. And as you said, no-one is going to deny that having things bought for you feels good! But equally, I think it can help to make you feel safe to find a balance between being treated and having some independence. For example, if he pays for your gas, try to pay it back (even if it's at a later date). But with gifts and other nice things, it can help to try to start accepting that your boyfriend is a generous person and that it's okay to accept gifts and compliments, and it's okay to let him take care of you every now and then. It's good to get a balance so that there's no risk of him accusing you of using him, or demanding something (like sex) for everything that he has done for you. And in that sense it can help you to feel safer and realise that you aren't being used etc.

On a similar note, it seems a little unfair for him to state that he's coming over just to get your parents to accept you both being in a relationship, if he doesn't take your feelings into consideration and how doing things like that might affect you. Is there any way you can try to delay him doing that and let him know that you want to tell your parents in your own time? With less pressure and more insight from your counsellor, you may find it easier to tell your parents, rather than feeling rushed to do it now before your boyfriend does. Although if you do decide to tell your parents, then it can help to think about what you want to tell them and how they may react (and how you would deal with those reactions, just in case things don't go to plan). If your parents seem unsure, then you can always mention that your boyfriend is willing to meet them, if that helps.

PMS and bloating can definitely put you off from exercising, but it's good that you're motivated to get back into it


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