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JustMeAGirl Offline
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So ashamed - June 11th 2012, 12:25 AM

First of all: I'm sorry about any grammar, spelling, etc. mistakes... English is not my first language.
So, two nights ago I got really, really drunk. I had never drank before, ever. I don't do this kind of stuff... But I feel like I need to explain the situation before telling what happened that night.

I am what you call a high school freshman and I recently turned 15. I've studied my whole life in the same school and had the same friends. We were always the quiet group, you know? The group who doesn't actually do anything fun, the boring group. And I didn't mind that, because that was really who I was. I was very calm and didn't really fit in (the only reason I wasn't an outcast was because I had studied with the same group of people for almost a decade, so they always talked to me and invite me to birthday parties and stuff). Well, here where I live there is this school that is considered (by great part of people) the best high school in town (at least one of the best). You have to take an exame to get in, so some of my friends and I took it. Only a few got in, but the only thing that matters to the story is that my cousin did and so did I. He's my age and kind of my best friend, we grew up together, hang out together, do a lot of of things together.

So, is the beginning of the year and he's not in my class (in my school you choose courses, like Geology -mine - or Computers - his - among others). I made friends in my class and he made friends in his. Sometimes I chilled with him and his friends - who I found out to be really nice - and eventually befriended them. I had to tell this because they were the people who were with me that night.
There's this beach that is about 2 hours from here and that's where my cousin - and his family, who invited me to come along - and, by coincidence, some of his friends were going to spend Corpus Christi holiday.

It is Friday night, and I had just arrived there. There were my cousin, our friends and some people I didn't really know (friends of a friend). They wanted to hang out down at the beach (it was around 10 o'clock p.m), so we went there. Someone had the idea of buying something to drink, then we bought 2 bottles of soda and 2 of vodka. I was kind of excited, because I had never drank before.
It was the first time to many of us and we had planned to mix soda with vodka, so it wouldn't be so strong, but someone said the fist shot had to be pure. Someone filled half a glass and asked who was going to be the first one. And... guess what? I said I would. I had no idea what I was doing, so I drank it, and it tasted just horrible. But I didn't want to stop... and then it began: we sat in a circle and started to chat, play the guitar and drink, a lot. I wasn't feeling anything so I kept drinking, kept drinking. It wasn't pure vodka, but I still could feel the alcohol in my mouth. I wanted to feel the effect, so I drank more. And then I did feel the effect. I started to sing really loud and laugh about everything. That was okay. But after a moment everything was a blur. It's like I've done and said stuff without thinking, I would only know what I said/did after I've done/said it.
And it was like everything I resented about my life came out. I had never really kissed before (while EVERYONE I know had. Lots of times. I felt really embarrassed about it), and I was having some "who am I?" issues. So I started to say stuff just to shock people/ get attention. There was this moment (this was the worst one) that I said I needed to go to the bathroom, so a girl I knew took me to the sea, then I don't know what passed through my mind but I felt like pulling out my shorts, and I did. I was still wearing my blouse and my underwear, but... What the f--- man? I took my shorts in the middle of the beach - there was nobody else there, but still... And that it's not all, after that I just laid down in the water and hit my head on a rock. Then my cousin came and he and the girl (lets call her Betty) pulled me up and put my shorts back on me. They were already worried about me because there was a moment when I had just laid down on the sand and started to drink from the bottle. By the time I humiliated myself by pulling out my shorts they had already forbidden me to drink more. I guess it just isn't worse because the guys looked away, they said I was 'part of the bros' and was really wasted and it wouldn't be right to look (by the time that happened, there were only my friends there).

That was the last thing I really remember doing, I spend the rest of the night laid down on the sand, kind of sleeping and occasionally making some commentaries. I also remember them fixing my blouse all the time, because my bra kept showing off and I wasn't really caring. This part is even blurrier then before. I remembered that I hadn't go to the bathroom during the whole "I pulled out my shorts" event and I still needed to. I started to ask to go, because I needed to go to the bathroom and wanted to sleep. They agreed that I was in no condition of staying there and decided to go. I was so wasted that I couldn't even walk. My cousin and one of our friends pretty much carried me. I don't even remember putting my shoes on.
When we got to our room - everybody was sleeping at a friends house - Betty went to the bathroom with me. When we were inside I said I wasn't feeling that well and went to vomit on the sink, but she led me to the toilet and held my hair up while I threw up everything. Then she changed my clothes and put me in bed.

When I woke up yesterday I didn't feel bad, at least not 'hangover' bad. My head was still hurt from the hit, but besides that I felt physically well. I just felt extremely humiliated and ashamed. My friends told me they didn't judge for the things I had done/said and they knew people do stupid things when they're drunk, but they told me to never drink that much again because they got really worried about me the night before.
So, basically I pulled my shorts out, told lies to shock people, barfed. And there were actually a part of the night I didn't remember. They later told me I was laying my head on a friends lap and called him to say something, and when he put his head next to mine to listen, I kissed him. After they told me I remembered.

And that isn't all. There's still last night to tell.
This time we went to a party on the main street. My friends didn't let me drink too much (some didn't want me to drink at all), but they couldn't be with me the whole time during the party. I wasn't reeeeeally drunk, but then I sneaked out with a girl who was also friends with them(I actually had met her that day). We bought a cigarette and went to a alley to smoke, there we met with a friend of hers and asked him to teach us some "smoking games", then he taught us that one you pass the smoke to the other persons mouth by "kissing" them - I don't even know his name. The girl I went out with was drunk (so was I, but not nearly as much as the night before) so she told one of our friends what we had done and then he told the rest of them and they all came to talk to us - me , especially - and they were soooooo mad at me. They said that this party wasn't for me to do drugs or anything. They were disappointed. I was kind of ashamed for a moment, especially because of Betty, she took care of me the night before and now I was causing trouble again. Then the rest of the night I behaved, only danced and laugh with them.

I feel like crap now. I feel so ashamed I can't even look into my parents eyes without thinking they don't know me. In two nights I went from a normal, even inexperienced girl to a girl who drank so much that blacked out and played "smoking games" with a stranger. And I am scared that this story might spread, I'm almost sure it will, at least to my school. I'll really have a problem if someone of my old group of friends find out about it. They know my family, and are kind of friends with one cousin of mine who tell her mom everything. And I am so dead if my parents find out about all this... so dead. And it is not only thing that is bothering me. I feel guilty, I feel shitty, I feel wrong.
Has anyone ever gone through something like that? I know that isn't really anything I can do about it.

I am sorry about the long post, and - again - sorry about any English mistake. And I am also sorry about the monumental amount of reallys.

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________

Okay, I just realized how silly and huge this thread is, also kind of pointless. Sorry about it, guys. It was just something I needed to write somewhere.
Feel free to erase it xD

Last edited by JustMeAGirl; June 11th 2012 at 05:16 PM.
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Haruhi Offline
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Re: So ashamed - June 12th 2012, 01:36 PM

I did this on my first time.. drunk too much too fast and made a complete idiot of myself.
I drunk wine and vodka and couldn't feel it but like your story it hit me so hard at once. It's normal to be embarassed but don't let it bug you, at least your friends aren't judging you for it and they took good care of you.

Just know your limit in future and you'll be fine.

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Re: So ashamed - June 13th 2012, 06:46 AM

Everyone has their moments. I am an experienced drinker and recently put on a "shit show." Which everyone puts on at least once in my point of view, you were experimenting. Which can be okay if you are safe about it. If you don't like that feeling then don't do it. Just be safe, and make sure you're with people YOU trust.

Hahaha.... Not experienced but I have drank a lot in my past.

Last edited by Ashleylovesyou; June 13th 2012 at 06:47 AM. Reason: Realized how dumb I sounded.
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JustMeAGirl Offline
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Re: So ashamed - June 13th 2012, 05:33 PM

Thanks for the replies
I was still kind of hangover when I wrote this and didn't know what to do/ how to feel about it, plus I always make a big deal out of stuff
It was all really silly now I look at it. Well, it happens. Monday everybody was talking about it at school, but today people don't really care anymore.
Still... I'll be careful not to do it again
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