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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
I am just so me.
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Name: Michael
Gender: Male
Location: East coast US

Posts: 9
Join Date: September 30th 2012

Getting on the Horse again - October 1st 2012, 12:15 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of substance use, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well I just got back on the Horse, this one a bit higher than the past. I had been clean for 2 years, but only a month ago I started again. It's how I lost my ex, my family, my friends, and almost my life. Recently I lost a very good lifelong friend, and I couldn't help myself from caving in. I called up my dealer which I hadn't talked to for years, spent an entire paycheck on the best he had, and now im back into it. I don't know what to do, iv'e been to rehab 3 times and I can't go back, especially for smack again. I'm scared because I have recently met a very special girl in my life and I don't want her to get wrapped up in my faults, especially with me injecting (even though im very clean about it). I'm thinking about trying to go through a withdrawal all on my own, but with the amount im doing it would almost certainly be like throwing myself into a deep pit of fire. To make things more complicated, the girl im dating also had been a heroin addict some time ago and im in a completely stuck situation.
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me, and thank you all for helping me so much.
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Name: Charlotte
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Re: Getting on the Horse again - October 5th 2012, 08:56 AM

Well Mike to begin with I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you're not only putting yourself at danger but also your new partner, in more ways than one. Whilst you state you are very clean about your drug habit, the cleanest of users can meet disaster, sometimes it's unavoidable. Do you think you could handle the guilt of passing on a deadly, lifelong disease to your partner for a temporary kick?

Secondly, you're exposing her the world of drugs again. It's absolutely fantastic that she's clean and that you were and I'm sure you don't want to see her back in such a rut. If she finds out you're a drug user that may cause her to be pulled in or she might walk away, hopefully for her it's the later. When a couple begin using together it's almost impossible for them to stop since one person will always be weaker, cave, causing the second party to relapse or leave the weaker individual making their situation a lot worse. It's nasty circle that doesn't have many happy outcomes.

I have no idea why you think you can't, or shouldn't go back into rehab? Perhaps shedding some light on that would aid us in helping you further.

You need to concentrate on the fact that you were clean for 2 years and how fantastic that felt. Yes, you probably had low points where you wanted it so badly but then you just remember coming over the hump and how amazing it felt to rise above it and be a better person, a strong person with will power and better prospects in life that shooting up with ever pay cheque you receive.

It sounds like you've been here before so you're no stranger to the consequences of the situation and that's why it should be even clearer to you to get out now whilst you're still willing to accept help. Right now is the easiest time for you to stop, before you get in too deep.

If you refuse to go to rehab for the time being, you need to find someone to confide in. Someone who can keep an eye on you. Who knows where you're sleeping, who can help manage your finances, etc. If you try to do it alone, you will cheat yourself. You will 'just one last time...' A million times. That's not stopping, that's spiraling.

Get out now before it destroys your life further. Your close friend wouldn't want to see you like this. He/She wouldn't want their passing to have this effect. Don't waste your life and end it before its due like theirs was. Make something of yourself, for them.

Last edited by Chazzz; October 5th 2012 at 05:58 PM.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
I am just so me.
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Name: Michael
Gender: Male
Location: East coast US

Posts: 9
Join Date: September 30th 2012

Re: Getting on the Horse again - October 5th 2012, 05:32 PM

Thank you, and to shed light I really want to go back I do but I can't. The last time I wen't I got really sick even with the methadone and they gave me subutex as well, and whilst they got me off of the smack I was hooked on methadone for nearly a year straight. Also the only rehabilitation center in my area has my older sister working there, and iv'e rarely talked to her ever since coming out of rehab. She's the only family I have left and I can't let her see that im half the man I used to be. I can't lose her because she already told me that if I cave in again she will turn her back on me

Sometimes when you're out of rope, the way to climb back up's unclear, the walls you build around yourself, I guess the also keep you here. Are you afraid of what they think? Whoever they happen to be, or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality.
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