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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
betz2468 Offline
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Unhappy Our of control g-daughter - December 21st 2012, 01:18 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of substance use, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am SO needing help. My g-daughter turned 18 in November. Since then her life has been upside down and backwards ~ nothing like she was prior. She is into drugs, pot and pills for sure, alcohol, staying out all night and numerous sex partners. As her Granni, I don't know how to respond to this kind of behavior. I want to totally disown her but know in my heart that isn't right. Her upbringing included an alcoholic father and pot smoking by both parents which I just found out recently. Christmas is coming and I usually give the g-kids money but I can't bring myself to even invite her much less hand her money for drugs, etc. What IS the best thing I can do as her Granni. I love this girl so much and am just sick at the mess she is making of her life not to mention worrying about where she is and if they will find her dead in a ditch one day. Should I do something for her for Christmas? Should I invite her over? She has a younger sister that she is really making a bad impression on who will be here. Should I send her gifts with her sister. BTY she stole my meds for panic/anxiety disorder last week. Just made me sick to think she would steal from me. What does a Granni do??
Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
   
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Re: Our of control g-daughter - December 21st 2012, 04:33 AM

This really is a difficult situation and it's made harder by the fact that she's now turned 18. I absolutely support your decision not to give her money. As hard as this is, you'll have to draw boundries let her know that if she continues with the drugs/unacceptable behavior she is not allowed to come to your home, you won't give her money, etc. (or what ever you would like to stop doing because of this) and then stick to it. I would also talk to her younger sister since you believe she's being exposed to a bad influence. If you're still comfortable giving her her gifts that's up to you.

My family recently went through a somewhat similar situation with my cousin so I understand how hard it is. Let her know where you stand with what she's doing and then she can make her choices based on those consequences.

I don't mean to sound harsh because I know how deeply you care for her, but sometimes tough love is the best thing. it doesn't mean you don't care about her to place boundries that make you more comfortable. And it won't be easy, My grandma had to call the police on my cousin, it was the right thing to do, but it was one of the hardest things she's ever done.


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Re: Our of control g-daughter - December 21st 2012, 10:06 PM

Hey there,

I have a brother who used to be a drug addict a an alcoholic. It was really hard to deal with because I hated seeing him like that and I constantly worried about him but then there was another part of me that couldn't stand being around him because he was mean etc. Anyway, my parents, too, were at a loss at what to do for some time and then, one day they realized that they had to set boundaries and stick with them no matter the consequences. So, my parents told my brother to pack his things and leave. They didn't want to and they were terrified about what would happen to my brother but they knew that if they continued supporting him he would never get better. Anyway, my brother left and went to rehab a few times and he got better. I can't say he is 100% better though; he still drinks alcohol but not like he used too and he doesn't do drugs which is definitely a good thing. My brother has definitely turned his life around, doesn't party etc; while I wish he didn't drink at all I suppose it is better than nothing because he is no longer going out and making dangerous decision.

Anyway, my point is that at some point you have to set boundaries with your Granddaughter and stick to them. It won't be easy and there are no guarantees as to what will happen but in the end if you support her habit, emotionally, she won't get better. Giving her money for Christmas is, I agree, probably not a good idea. And, if you don't feel like it would be a good idea to have her for Christmas than don't. But, if you do maybe you can talk to the rest of your family about taking some time to talk to her about what she is doing and talk to her about getting help. I know Christmas gathering might not be the greatest time but then again when is the perfect time to discuss something like that. Also, maybe you could write your Granddaughter a letter letting her know how much you love her and how concerned you are due to the lifestyle she is living and go on to explain how much you wish she would get help. Sometimes people who are addicts need to hear 'I love you' and hear how much their family cares about them before they are willing to seek out help.

Lastly, as for her sister, maybe you could sit down and talk to her about the situation and let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk about anything. See if there is anything that she wants to talk about etc. It can be hard being the sibling of someone who is struggling with an addiction but when you have someone to talk to about it it can be beneficial.

Hope this helped.


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Re: Our of control g-daughter - December 21st 2012, 10:53 PM

Hey there, and welcome to TeenHelp ,

I'm quite possibly going to disagree with quite a lot of points already made, but I suppose it brings up a valid point: of everything that anyone advises, the final decision is what you think is right. It's hard, but you must make the final decision.

So, to the point.
You seem like a fantastic, loving, caring grandmother and I'm sure your grandchildren - including your granddaughter, whatever she's going through - appreciate this.
What I think you need to do, is invite (or rather, insist) that she visit you at some point this Christmas. See if you can try and give her a couple of days just you and her, together. And make sure it's a teetotal couple of days .
You can have a good time together, but you can also try to discuss things with her.
You'll need to do so gently, and even so she might become upset or angry ("why are you prying!?" "it's my life!" etc), but hopefully she'll be inclined to give you honest answers. You'll probably need to emphasise a lot that you want to help, because you love her.

Depending on how your conversations together go, you can see how to take things further, if possible.

I really, truly wish you the very best of luck, and a very happy Christmas.
Please let me know how you get along.


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Re: Our of control g-daughter - December 24th 2012, 03:36 PM

Would you consider a straight up talk with her? If her addiction/substance abuse problems are so serious that she's now stealing from people she might need someone to just sit her down and have a bluntly honest conversation with her. Like try to get her to go to rehab and stuff, there are a lot of really good rehab facilities. If I could afford it (which I can't but that's beside the point) or I'd get other people to help if necessary I'd totally try to get a family member to rehab if the problem was that serious.
You should tell her to come for Christmas, but if you aren't comfortable make sure she's watched the whole time? And give her stuff you'd expect her to use the money on, like maybe buy he a really nice comforter or something




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Re: Our of control g-daughter - December 26th 2012, 05:30 AM

Hey,

As a child of an alcoholic father, who also did some things I am not so proud of including drugs and alcohol, stealing prescription medication and so forth, it is difficult to say that there is only so much you can do.

To start off, consider attending an Ala-Non meeting. I know it helps my mother tons in dealing with the emotions brought on by my alcoholic father and has bettered her life in numerous ways.

Pushing her out of your life, lecturing her, looking down on her, will not help. It will push her away where she will not want to ask you for help when she decides she wants it. She could resent you for it, and we do not want that from the people we love. You are right in deciding not to disown. Boundaries are necessary though, such as saying that she can not come over to your house if she is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Also explain things like if she needs a ride home and she is going to drive herself or get in the car with a drunk driver to call you. I know I had my mother pick me up twice from parties when I was younger. She always told me no questions asked, that she loved me and wanted me to be safe. Her safety is most important at this point.

Just telling her to quit will not help. What if someone asked you to simply quit eating chocolate or something you enjoyed? You would probably think they were crazy. And even though drugs and alcohol are more intense than chocolate, the addict does not see it that way. If you feel she is truly in danger, consider trying to get her committed into rehab or do an intervention with a professional who is trained to know what to say. Remember, just let her know that you love and care about her. That is all you can really do.

Good luck, I hope you and your Granddaughter are okay.
Maria.



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