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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
tanyavolt Offline
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Unhappy Alcoholic Father - December 15th 2009, 04:50 PM

Hi people, I just found this site because I gave it some thought that I should seek some outer help about my problem.
Given by the title, this is also a family problem I suppose, but I think alcohol has made a major impact on me.

Anyway, as I have already said, my dad is an alcoholic. He has always been one in my life, but I had only recognized the problem as a teenager when I began to understand things a little more. He was previously married before my mother and I, and they had divorced due to his alcoholism.
He is also a chronic smoker, and I am not exactly sure about other substances, as my parents are fairly quiet and I don't know too much about either of them. Distant, I know.

When I was growing up, my relationship with him was fine, I think. He was very loving and caring, much like my Mum.

But when I became a teenager we became very distant, and especially when his alcoholism became a real problem in the family. I very rarely speak to him now, maybe a 'hi' during the day, but no real conversation. He pays more attention to our dog than he does to me.

Sometimes he rambles shit to me when he is drunk, but most of the time it turns into an argument because I am upset about his problem. We cannot communicate.
Mum tells me that she doesn't speak to him much either. They fight a lot though -- and it is always about this problem.
They also don't sleep in the same room together, which some people find really strange. But it's been like that all my life, so I am used to that.

He has been unemployed for a long time now, with an occassional job every now and again, but nothing great. If he does work, the money goes towards alcohol and cigarettes.
Mum is doing all the work in the family, which to some people is very bizarre. I am ashamed of him not having a job, and am often too embarrassed to even tell people that my Dad sits around doing nothing all day.

He steals money, and has recently stolen half of my savings that I was going to save up for a car. He takes and uses my Mum's credit cards as well as cash out of her wallet all the time, and when she's not at home he takes a trip to the bottle shop.

The pattern of him getting wasted every single night (or if we're lucky, every couple of nights) has been ongoing for years, as long as I began understanding what it is. He hides bottles in his room and around the house, and sometimes is already drunk in the middle of the day.

He has never been abusive, which I have read is often a sign of an alcoholic. He is rather passive, much like I am, but nonetheless has still hurt me a lot in my life, most recently cos of the theft. Other cases have been him drink driving, several times now... which I admit have been some of the scariest moments of my life. He has also been charged several times for DUIs, and one time lost his licence for 6 months or something like that.

The major problem though is how he denies everything. He denied he stole my money, he denies he is an alcoholic and he always denies he's drunk when he really is. He has this mentality of him thinking he is doing "the right thing" when he isn't -- like all other alcoholics are just drinking different substances to him, so they're wrong, but he thinks he knows what he is doing. We can't get him to seek outer help because he doesn't think he is one. Not to mention we probably can't afford help.. the way our finance is going.

Additionally, my uncle passed away from alcoholism when I was 13. He was my mother's brother, and went through probably the same thing, but this time was unfortunate. He lived in another state so I didn't know what his behavior was like, but either way it had made an impact on me.
Another recent incident was a friend from my mum's work who was also friends with my dad, and he was also an alcoholic, and he died in a car accident this year.
All these events have been occuring yet nothing is helping the fact alcohol is just a growing problem.

I've probably been psychologically affected by all of this. I am incredibly sensitive to the topic of alcohol. I can't function in every day life properly, like I think everything I am doing is wrong cos my family isn't normal so I must not be normal.. I am having major communication problems with people.
I am personally "straight edge" as per say, and am dating a guy who doesn't drink/take drugs/smoke.

I am wondering what is the best thing to do, being a daughter of an alcoholic. What should I do in this situation?
Would you recommend any sites or places to go to, to get help? I really need it.

Sorry this was such a long read, thanks for reading.

Tanya
   
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Re: Alcoholic Father - December 15th 2009, 09:13 PM

Hey Tanya my name is Crystal,
My dad is too an alcoholic...tho thank the lord he has
been sober for a few months...
i know exactly how you feel...with him being ditant, my dad did that and when he became sober i asked him why he was like that and he told me that though he was under the influence and tho i never said anything he knew he was hurting me and he didnt want to make the situatuin worse by saying something that he would proably regret. There is not much you can do..you can send him to rehabs but they will only keep him there for a minimum of five days then it would be his choice if he stays...we had to do that several times...it took my dad an intervention to get help to stop drinking maybe that would be something you and your family could look into...yes it is very hard and very emotional but if you want your dad back its going to hurt before it gets better. I know it sucks i really do. but as a daughter of an alcoholic myself seeing my father...my hero fall down so hard was heartbreaking but to see him pull out on top was the greatest thing of all...now as to when he is drunk your not going to win by arguning with him...just agree with everything he says tell him you love and just be nice because anger and hate and negativity pisses off an alcoholic...but my best advice is to talk to others... i used sites like these for support they can be very helpful if you can find someone that has gone thru what you are attending to right now.

I am here to help at anytime you need it ...I am just a PM away
i wish you and your family the best of luck

take care

<3 Crystal

i also recomend alanon
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Re: Alcoholic Father - December 16th 2009, 07:28 AM

Hey Crystal, thankyou so much for your kind words it really did mean a lot to me someone replied as well as relate to me. I'm really glad to hear your dad is sober now, it must really have taken a lot of effort to get to that point.

At the moment I am feeling like there is no way out of this, he is so stubborn and I feel as if nothing is going to change, but at the same time I can't live like this anymore.

I know the arguing is not really the best idea, it's just an impulsive thing and when I get worked up I just can't help but argue. Mum has stopped that lately and does what you suggested which is being nice and accepting, but I don't know how to do that especially when I get so frustrated whenever I speak to him when he's under the influence.

I've signed up to a couple of sites like this, and I just read about Alanon yesterday and I'm considering going to a place or giving a call to one of the ones around where I am. This is if Mum's not gonna do anything about it.

Once again, many thanks,
Tanya
   
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Re: Alcoholic Father - December 16th 2009, 01:07 PM

My mom's been an alcoholic for all of my life and I've learned from experience that the only way you can get through to the person is to talk to them when they're sober. Of course, before I would always discuss it with her when she was drunk because it just made it easier; it felt like I was talking to thin air. In the past few years, though, my sister and I have talked to her more often when she's sober.

Keep working at it, though. Don't give up. She has always constantly denied it, until one night we continued to pester her about it and finally she reached her breaking point. That night she cried and cried about how she truly wants help, she just doesn't want other people knowing.

It's good that you've decided to steer clear of alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately, children of alcoholics are 4 times more likely to abuse alcohol, and it's had an extreme effect on me. I often find myself fighting the urge to go drink until I'm numb. So keep up your strength and talk to people about it, because holding it inside will cause stress build-up. The al-anon sounds awesome though, so you should definitely try that out... and welcome to the site! I really hope things get better for you.
   
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Re: Alcoholic Father - December 18th 2009, 03:04 PM

Hey Tanya

It was my pleasure to respond but it took a lot of effort and time to get him sober many trips taking him to the hospital many threts of him killing me...many times he tried to break my thumb...but in the end it was all worth it.

Have you guys tried to take him to treatment...somtimes its difficult to do so but doing that for my father was the best thing that we could do...at first when he was still drunk he resented me and told me a bunch of crap but i know that it was all because he was drunk and in the end he told me he was happy that i did that and he thanked me

it is difficult not to argue i know it gets very aggravating but maybe when he starts to pick a fight just say ok dad and walk away, go to your room or something and just stay clear....i did that and it works but at times he decideded to follow me...and if he does that, just say ok day i love you and walk away some where else...eventually he will get the point and leave you alone...i know it sucks and i know its hard but there is NO reasoning what so ever with an alcoholic.

and anytime you need someone to talk to.....i am here ...please use me as an outlet dont keep it all in its so difficult and what not i am here for you

keep safe and take care

<3 Crystal
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Re: Alcoholic Father - December 23rd 2009, 11:03 AM

Thanks thisiscourtney.
I think one reason why things have not gotten better overtime is because I have trouble communicating with people in general, so I feel far too passive to confront dad about his problem because we never talk anymore. I'm a really quiet person in general and yeah, quite passive.
I have occasionally would mention to him about his problem about being unemployed (not the drinking problem, but that is a cause of his unemployment) and he gets easily offended and would just either stop talking to me or just argue with me. So I have a feeling if I even bring confront him about his drinking problem he would just continue denying, lying, and defending himself.
Anyway, I guess I'm not trying enough.

That is a really interesting statistic, makes me wonder how I'm the exact opposite haha. I think because I associate with friends that don't have an interest in drinking (so they either don't drink at all or just drink rarely and only for social reasons and not to get drunk) I think it's become a great influence on me. Plus there is the influence of seeing the harsh outcome has made me so bitter about even touching the stuff.



And thanks again Crystal.
No, neither of us (Mum and I) have taken him to treatment, or really considered it. I have asked her many times about taking him somewhere and she always says no without a real reason. She just says that he is just not gonna go.

In all honesty.. Mum is considering saving up and sending him back to his home country (we moved to Australia around 15 years ago) so he can go do whatever he pleases because she is tired of earning money that is being wasted so much on alcohol/cigarettes as well as food/shelter when he does absolutely nothing here. So I have a feeling their marriage is not going to be around for much longer...

He occassionally would stop drinking for a week or two and is on his "good behavior" and is in Mum's good books, so to speak, but then he just ruins it. Like I thought things were going ok for the past week but I came home last night to find my Mum crying and Dad mentioned something about his dad (my grandfather) dying "seven years ago". It was actually ten, and it looked like he just gave himself excuses to get drunk once more...

About the arguing thing, yeah, I sometimes just don't say ANYTHING and let him ramble to me while I give him the silent treatment.. and I do walk away too. But sometimes he just won't go away..

One night was a really horrible one, my boyfriend was over while my Mum was out, and Dad was home and he had gotten himself really drunk. It was kind of late, maybe 11 at night, and we were watching a movie and dad came in like halfway through and he kept telling him to go home.
Then we broke out into this huge argument because I kept telling him that I wanted to finish the movie so he can leave after that, and I think I brought up his drinking habits too because he obviously wasn't sober when this all happened.. but he would not shut up and wouldn't go away... and then he tried talking to my boyfriend about meaningless shit and he would not go away the entire time, and he basically forced my boyfriend to leave.
it was probably the most embarrassing night of my life, like I just got into tears thinking about it, and just an example of how stubborn AND embarrassing he can get.
I am still so ashamed of how he talked to him and how he talked to me in front of him, I mean, you kind of want visitors to see a good representation of a family right? I get this mess of a human being...

Anyway, I didn't mean to write so much but just wanted to let you know a little more about my situation.
So in the end he might not even be living with us anymore, I just can't really stand the sight of him sometimes so I don't know what to do when it comes to confronting him.
   
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