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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
SS x Vengeance Offline
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Name: Amanda
Age: 26
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Location: Gilbert, Arizona

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Help would be appreciated. - January 5th 2010, 06:35 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of substance use, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This is a very hard time for me. I am a strong person, I really am. But eventually someone's going to knock you to your knees sooner or later and that's where I am. I don't really know where to start so I just figured here since everything that has been going on in my life has made me want to start doing drugs again.

I was with someone since 9/2/08 and the first day I actually talked to him, we exchanged numbers and later on talked that night. Well, he almost went into cardiac arrest, he already has heart problems, because he was doing meth that night. I still figured I might as well give him a chance. But that was the biggest mistake I've made in a long time. I just broke up with him about 3 days ago. So I was with him for over a year. It was just really frustrating being with him because he was shady, and very needy, jealous and always wanted to be talking to me or with me. And I'm an independent person. I don't need someone to be there to keep me happy. Anyways, things didn't work out and blah, blah, blah.

The next event, which happened while I was with my ex, was that my uncle found out he had brain cancer. It was one of the most hardest things to hear because he was so strong and could do anything by himself but now he gets worn out just attempting to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom. His doctors said he'd be lucky if he made it to next year. The thing is, is that he lives all the way in Penn. so I'm not going to be able to get to see him before he passes on... And I don't want to have to live with that for the rest of my life. It destroys me on the inside.

I'm not really sure what to do with my life right now. School's starting up again in 2 days and it's my Senior year. Hell, I don't even know what I'm going to do when I get out of High School. I have no plan. No goal. Nothing. So can you see why drugs seem like such a good idea to me? Since May '09 I've had a job so it's been only once that I've smoked a tiny bit of weed in between then and now.

I know a lot of suggestions would be just to do something to get your mind off of it, but I have tried so many things. Especially the things I love doing. Drawing, videogames, making music, etc... it really doesn't help the fact that I'd rather be getting high at that moment and then enjoying the things I love even more. I really need some direction. This is the only place I really feel comfortable coming to for help. Because in my little reality, everyone here depends on me to be the strong one. So I never get to have any time here for me to finally be weak, because I'm too busy always picking up others.

Thanks for reading, and thank you even more if you're going to take the time to put in your two cents. Asking for help at all is hard because it makes me feel so pathetic.

-Amanda


I need to meet someone who gets me.
   
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Re: Help would be appreciated. - January 5th 2010, 08:33 PM

Hey Amanda,

I think it's great that you realize that this is not a healthy path to take. The fact that you decided to reach out for help here shows intiative, and I am so proud of you for deciding to post this.

Is there anyone in your life that you could talk to about what's going on? I think that talking about all of this with someone you can trust could help you quite a bit in the long run. You could talk to a teacher at school, a close friend, a family member...anyone you can trust will do.

I hope you can realize that choosing drugs is not going to fix anything. It will not make you happier, it will not make the pain stop. It will only add another struggle to your life, and I think you realize that another issue is not what you need right now.

Take care, and if you need anything else, feel free to contact me.


[/url]
"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
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Johnny Walker Offline
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Re: Help would be appreciated. - January 5th 2010, 09:53 PM

Amanda,
I know how you feel, in the last few years I have seen my grandma, who to me was always the definition of strong, survive cancer, break her hips, and now she is advanced stages of dementia. She has been withering up and dyeing right in front of me. Whenever I visit her she holds my hand and wont let go because she doesn't want me to leave. When I do leave it almost brings me to tears.

All you can do is charish the time you have left with your uncle, do everything you can to make sure that when he is gone you have as few regrets as possible.

I can also really relate to your school situation I also had no idea what i wanted to do going into my senior year so I ended up just staying back a yhear and it has really helped me to put together a plan for hte future.

You don't have to plan out your whole future now but the one thing that I would suggest is that you never let go of your dreams, no matter what they are they will help lead you in the right direction.

As for the drugs, at least you have admitted that you are at risk. I am not going to tell you a bunch of stuff about how drugs will only lead to more problems because you are obviously smart enought to already know that. Besides I am in no position to lecture anyone on drug use, I smoke weed almost every day. What I will do though is apeal to the artist in you...

You shouldn't try to numb yourself with drugs but instead try to express yourself through your art. Pain is a part of life, probably one of the most important parts and all the greatest artists have all paid their dues it helped make them better and stronger. Look at this period of you life as a test.

Oh, and your not pathtic but I know how you feel. When I posted my thread I said almost the exact same thing. I can never be emotinal in my "real life" but when I am writing or on this site it is alot easier.

Anyway this is getting a bit long but just keep going one day at a time and one day in a few years you'll wake up and realize that you made it, that everything is OK now.

If you ever need to get anything else off your chest then don't hesitate to PM me.


Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.
Kurt Vonnegut
Be content with what you are, and wish not change; nor dread your last day, nor long for it.
Marcus Aurelius
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill
   
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