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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy overreacting? - March 23rd 2009, 11:48 PM

okay so i wasnt sure if this should go in this forum or the relationship one but i figured i'd start here.

My boy works for his local fire dept(its small, they take anyone they can get), is still in high school and graduating at semester, etc, basically, he's under a lot of stress.

Before i knew him, he went to juevy for drugs in nyc... and then got out and moved to iowa where i met him. He cleaned up, played sports, got good grades, and had a normal life. One day around this time last year, we were fighting and all the sudden he stopped replying to my text messages. I figured he was just being a guy and brushed it off. He called me a couple hours later-high on weed laced with something else, he didnt know what.

Me being a 14 year old at the time, really had no experience with drugs, (and still dont, i think its disgusting..) didnt know what to do, so i talked to him and he just kept apologizing and saying he loved me and whatever and i told him that i was really upset about this and that drugs arent for me and i dont want to date an addict. He agreed to no more drugs, and we went about our happy little way.


This friday night, he called me and asked me if it was alright if he went out drinking with the guys, and i said yeah, have fun. A few hours later he texted me and said, "i'm not drinking, have fun with the girls."

I thought it was a little weird that he would text just to say that so i texted back and said, "is something wrong?"

and he's like-"Jess... i smoked..."
Me: smoked what..
him: weed.
me: why?
him: i wanted to.
me: well i hope it was a good fucking joint cause you just lost me over it
him: Jess! thats dumb. i'm 17 years old and work a full time job...... (you get the picture, basically he turns this around so its my fault, i'm ruining his stress reliever.)

yeah, his excuse is that its the only thing that helps and he only does it once in a really long time and wont do it again for a really long time,

and i asked him if he really loved me, and if so why did he do it when he knows how i feel, and he said, and i quote, "you can question me all you want but dont you EVER question if i love you, if you loved me you wouldnt question that"

so my question is, knowing his addictive past, am i wrong for trying to keep him clean? and also, part of my argument is that if i keep going back on my word, doesnt that kind of make my words meaningless? One last thing, i agree that he should be able to make his own decisions. I just dont know what to do. Did i overreact?
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: overreacting? - March 23rd 2009, 11:56 PM

No, its not wrong to try to keep him clean. You didn't overreact. You were looking out for his best interests. Thats good, it means you care about him. You set ground rules and said if he wanted you he'd have to stop the other stuff. You did the right thing
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: overreacting? - March 24th 2009, 12:27 AM

You didn't overreact at all, Jessica.
What your boyfriend doesn't realize is that you trying to keep him clean is proof that you do in fact care about and love him. He shouldn't be doing drugs, no matter how much stress he may be under. Whatever you do, do not let him make you feel like you're the one doing wrong in this situation, because that is definitely not true. It must be hard to be in a situation such as yours. Do you think your boyfriend would pay any mind if you sat down and had and honest talk with him? I'd warn him that one more time of him smoking and he can hit the road. It's not healthy for him to be doing drugs, and to be honest it's probably not healthy for you to be in a relationship with someone taking drugs. Try talking to him, and if that fails, if I were you, I'd try to walk away. There's certain times where helping someone just is not possible. He needs to take the first step, and unfortunately it may not work if he's got someone dragging him. Have a talk with him, and if he doesn't take that talk seriously, I'd cut him loose. But, then again, it's all up to you, and it's your choice to make. Just try to think about what you think would be better for you in the long run. Maybe if you showed your boyfriend that you are as serious as you have warned, he'll realize what weed can actually cause for him. Best of luck. x






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Re: overreacting? - March 24th 2009, 11:08 AM

Hey Jessica, first off welcome to TH!
It's great that you're looking out for your boyfriend, and you obviously care about him a lot. You've made it clear how you feel about him taking drugs, but the truth is, some people will just carry on doing it regardless.
It does sound like he cares about you, and don't think that just because he's doing this he doesn't care about you. Some people don't realise how much of an effect their actions have on those people close to them. I agree with Amanda, in that you should sit down and talk with him seriously. Make it perfectly clear what your stance on drugs is and tell him about your concerns. I know you've already told him, but he may just see you more as a nagging girlfriend rather than what you are [someone who is just looking out for his best interests.]
It can be very difficult with something like weed because it's no physically addictive, so people will say.. "oh i can just do it once in every so often." But if it's bothering you THAT much, you need to let him know. It's not fair for you to be in a relationship where you're not happy.
Also, as for him calling you when he's high.. A lot people use the fact that they're on drugs to say certain things that they wouldn't usually say if they weren't. I often feel that some people just use drugs as an excuse actually, to say things.
So i would suggest you talk to him again, and hopefully this time he will take what you want to say on board a bit more. But, please be prepared for the fact that he may agree to stop, then carry on behind your back, or may just say that he's not doing anything wrong. All you can do is try.


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Re: overreacting? - March 24th 2009, 02:12 PM

Don't stress. Worst thing to do. Try to take it easy first okay? You did nothing wrong for trying to keep him clean, but you should know that it was just pot. If you aren't sure about the effects of pot you should look up some unbiased research about it, because generally, it's not as bad as it's made out to be and i'm not sure if what he smoked was really laced or just a high or type of weed he wasn't used to. That's what happens alot of the time when people think weed is laced. If he has a surefire problem with addiction, then yeah i'd help him lay off the pot because not addicting as it is physically, you can always form a mental attachment to it which can lead to trouble sometimes.

Basically, what i'm saying is that if he can't have the courtesy of cleaning up a little and not smoke around you let alone questioning the love you guys have for eachother, you need to have a serious talk about where this is all going or maybe take a break.
   
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Re: overreacting? - March 28th 2009, 04:25 PM

Hey Jessica,

I don't think you overreacted at all. It is unfair of him to bring drugs into your life at all and you are completely within your rights to leave him if he continues this. Doing drugs is not a good stress reliever and he CAN find new ways to relax. If he says he can't then he really is just looking for an excuse to not even try and change. Like the others said I would sit down with him and have a serious discussion about it. He needs to know how you feel and why you feel the way you do. Let him know that you care about him and his drug use worries you. While I usually don't suggest using an ultimatum that might be the only way to motivate him to quit. I would basically tell him that it is you or the drugs. If he picks weed over you then you'll finally see his true colors. However, if he makes an honest effort and slips up try and be understanding and encourage him to keep trying. Stress that no matter what happens you want him to be honest with you because trust is vital in any healthy relationship. Even if he doesn't come around know that you did your best. You can't control another person's actions and ultimately he is responsible for making his own decisions. All you can do is point him in the right direction. I give you my best wishes with talking to your boyfriend. I hope everything works out and that he decides to quit. However, if he doesn't there are plenty of better guys out there so don't settle for less than you deserve. Take care and good luck.

Lots of love <3 Mimi



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