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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hear my whispers in the dark..
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Unhappy Uh-oh. This could be really bad... - March 29th 2009, 07:48 PM

So, I've had trouble with substance abuse for about 4 years now. I'm ALOT better than I used to be, but I'm still fighting it. For awhlile I was drinking heavily and using drugs, such as weed, and prescription pills. I have been sober since October, but It's still really really hard.
I was babysitting last Thursday, and I think one of the kids caught me doing something really bad...
Let me just say first that I *am* really good with kids. I work at a daycare and I babysit alot, and I never let my personal life or the issues in my life interfere with my job or the way I interact with kids. As far as they and their parents are concerned, there is nothing wrong with me.
Well, a couple of months ago I was babysitting for these 2 kids (a 7 year old girl, Molly, and a 5 year old boy, Charlie). I was looking for bandaids because Charlie hurt himself, and I open up one of the bathroom cabinets and saw a whole shelf lined with all sorts of RX pain killers. Ones that I have struggled immensly with before. A sense of dread flooded me, because I knew that I was in trouble. I don't steal, ever, but I was worried that the junkie in me would take over all morals I had. I was good for a couple of months, convincing myself that it would be a really bad move. But last Thursday, I put the kids to bed and I had a momentary lapse in judgement. I went into the bathroom, and I took out a bottle of Vicodin. I slipped one pill into my hand and just as I was putting the bottle back, I heard a noise in the doorway and there. was. Charlie....looking straight at me. I'm not sure how much he saw, but he walked in and said "whatcha doing?" (not accusingly, he sounded like he was just wondering. So I told him I was looking for a pen. (yeah, I'm bad at thinking of excuses on the spot...). Then he went to the bathroom and I put him back in his bed. During that time I noticed that Molly wasn't in her room. And after I told her to stop hiding, she came out through the doorway to her parents room, and the bathroom I had been in (I had left the bathroom door open when I was there, because I *thought* the kids were in bed). She looked very very guilty. I didn't really say much to her, because I didn't know how to find out what she saw, if she had followed me when I first went into the bathroom. They stayed in their beds after that, and I ran into the bathroom and put the pill back. It's probably going to sound really unbelievable, but from the second I took the pill out of the bottle, I knew I was going to put it back sometime that night. I just couldn't do it--take something from someone while there were kids in the house. Even though I wouldn't have actually consumed the pill while babysitting, it was still wrong. But the thing is, it definitly didn't look that way. What the kids potentialy saw, was me sneaking into their parents bathroom, and taking a pill from the cabinet, and lying about it. You can't just explain the real story to kids, so I'm just hoping that they didn't see anything or think anything of it, but still. I feel so horrible, and I hate that my habits have come to this....if the kids saw, and told their parents, that would ruin me...I just don't know what to do...
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Re: Uh-oh. This could be really bad... - March 29th 2009, 10:15 PM

Hey Jen,

First of all, I want to congratulate you on getting sober. That takes a lot of effort and strength. Anytime you are faced with temptation no matter the circumstances it is going to be hard. You did the right thing putting that pill back and I am so proud of you for that. Even if the children did see you they are both so young that I am positive that they wouldn't understand that you were doing something wrong. Therefore the chance of them telling their parents is slim to nothing because in their mind they wouldn't have put two and two together.However, in the rare chance that they did bring something up do you honestly think the parents would even suspect foul play from their angelic baby sitter? Like you said before they do not know about your personal problems and in their eyes there is nothing wrong with you. I personally think you having nothing to worry about in regards to them bringing up the incident. However, I do think there is something to be concerned about. Do you think it is wise to continue babysitting for them when you know about the pills in the house? Would you be able to resist that kind of temptation? You might think you can no but what if further down the road one day you are feeling weak and the urges are strong? What are you going to do then? I would not recommend babysitting for them any longer. I understand that you might have bonded with the children but you need to put your interests first.You know yourself better than anyone and you know your own limitation. It is up to you to decide what to do. If you decide to continue babysitting for them I would suggest having an emergency plan that you can put into place in case you get a back craving. Is there a friend you could call? Maybe it would be a good idea to program a drug abuse hotline in your phone. Of course you would have to wait until the children were in bed to make any calls but I would assume that is when you would be most tempted anyways. I wish you the best of luck on staying sober. If you ever need someone to talk to don't hesitate to PM me. I know what you are going through and I will do my best to help you in anyway I can. Take care and stay strong.


Lots of love <3



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Uh-oh. This could be really bad... - April 7th 2009, 05:38 PM

Ugh well I screwed up. Again...
I babysat the kids again last night, and they were busy watching tv and playing on the computer, and I seriously felt like I couldn't stop myself. I was all jittery and shaky, and I couldn't concentrate on the things I was trying to do (make their dinnder, clean up their stuff, etc..), and so I ran upstairs, grabbed a pill, and came downstairs with my phone in my hand. Molly barely even looked up. Even so, I made the comment, "wow, it's so loud in here, I could barely hear my phone, even from upstairs!" She definitly was clueless. As was Charlie--I could still hear him playing on nick jr.
I didn't consume the pill yet. I didn't want o while I was there, because even though I feel like I now suck at life for giving into temptation and taking a pill, there is no way I'm going to watch children while under the influence of anything...
I haven't taken pills in awhile, so I'm actually kind of scared to, just because I don't know how I'll react to it, or how I'll feel afterwards...I've taken Vicodin before, but it was prescribed to a girl about a foot shorter than me and about XXX pounds lighter. This pill is prescribed to a guy who's about a foot taller than me, and at least XXX pounds heavier....so I'm a bit worried that I might accidentaly OD or something...:-/

I hate this, because I LOVE babysitting for these kids. I babysit them ALOT, and the parents trust me. I'm really happy when I'm babysitting, and I'm usually okay, and I'm able to control the urges I have when I see all their alcohol and pills. It's just that these past couple of times, i don't know, it's just been really really hard...

As for calling people, like you said, soul; I don't know who I could call. I would feel really weird and not know what to say to a drug abuse person, and I don't feel like many of my friends could help. They'd be all like "well, just don't do it", and they don't understand that I don't WANT to, but my body and mind makes me feel like I NEED to. Most of my friends are religious, and they don't drink or do drugs, so they don't understand...

Last edited by Lizzie; April 14th 2009 at 09:25 PM. Reason: Removed Weight numbers
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