After all this time, we still fight

[Firesong3]

I guess this is more of a rant than a question, because I don't see any way to move forward from this.

I have suffered from depression all my life and I still take anti-depressents. But my mom doesn't know that I take them, or that I am seeing a counsellor. (In fact, nobody knows save me, the GP and the counsellor) We fight all the time despite the fact that I have moved out of the house and am 20 years old!

Even today, I was pulling an all-nighter to finish an essay, and she comes into my room and tries to turn the lights down, despite the obvious fact that I have sources I need to read! Then she screams at me that it's her birthday tomorrow and she needs to sleep (in a seperate room where she can quite easily shut the door) and keeps screaming at me about my lifestyle. Apparently staying up late to skype your overseas friends when you don't have much to do tomorrow will ruin your health as surely as drugs. Also, a messy room at college can kill. She screams more things, so unreasonably angry... it makes me want to cry. But instead I get mad back at her and yell at her to go back to bed. I'm 20. I thought I was past the yelling stage. But at 5AM it's hard to be logical.

There's a part of me that wished I could tell her that I'm going through a rough time at the moment, that I'm suffering depression and that I broke down crying yesterday, that the reason why I pull all-nighters to finish essays is because my procrastination levels skyrocket as a result of my depression and the anti-depressants don't help that aspect of it, and that what I really need, 12 hours away from an essay deadline worth 25%, is to be left alone so I can somehow bully and bribe myself into actually writing it. But that would have terrible consequences. She would force me to move out of college and live with her, making me lose my hard-fought independence, and what's worse, she would tell everyone. And I would be a failure. My family gives me so much pressure and shit to succeed at everything, the minute they discovered I was smart. I'm the "golden child" who must go to university and who is supposed to be perfect at everything. I have to be the smartest, the thinnest, the nicest. Well I'm sick of that. I want to run away. At the same time, I feel disgusted at myself because I yelled.

Sorry, I know that there are people on this site with much worse problems than mine. I just... felt like I needed to tell someone. Please don't judge me.

[MostlyHarmless]

Hey Nicola

Don't feel bad about letting out your emotions here, nobody's going to judge you and problems are problems. So don't worry about others having "worse problems", this problem's affecting you and you wanted to talk about it and that's okay.

About your mum, she does seem to be acting irrationally, but it's not your fault. Is she under a lot of stress? Stress can cause a lot of frustration, especially in people with no outlet, so the person ends up taking it out on people who don't deserve to be treated in such a way. Her behaviour towards you isn't fair but she doesn't know what's going on with you, so maybe that is why she is treating you this way, because she doesn't know what to do or how to help you. She might feel frustrated and confused that maybe you're acting strange and she doesn't know what's going on? Maybe she's upset because she feels so out of control of the situation, now that you're older and more independent. I'm not sure, but my mum resorts to anger because she doesn't understand my situation and I won't tell her what I'm going through. Could something like that be the cause of your mum's attitude?

You say she wants you to succeed at everything yet would make you stay with her if she found out what you were going through, I presume she'd want you at home so she could make sure you were all right. If she did want to keep you at home, she'd be prioritising your well-being over how well you do in college. But I suppose we can't know for sure how she'd react unless you told her.

Anyway, telling her how you feel might relieve a lot of stress for you and maybe also for your mum. Maybe she'd want to keep you at home or maybe if you talked it through, she'd let you work in peace and cut you a bit of slack in general. I know it's a complicated situation and it's difficult to know what to do, but maybe just talking about it might help a little.

Hope this helped a little. Any questions or if you'd just like to talk, feel free to VM/PM me.

[PSY]

You're not going to be judged on TeenHelp like you might be judged in the "real world." You know that.

This is a tough situation, and unfortunately, you may need to make some sacrifices in order to ultimately get what you want. Your mental well-being should be the primary concern, no matter what. How you're going to ensure that takes in tact is something only you can decide. Moving out may be the way to go - but if that's what it will take to be in a better place emotionally, you may need to put school on hold in order to get a full-time job. It may mean taking out student loans so you can move out and continue going to school, but then you'll have to deal with paying those off in the future.

From where I'm standing, it seems like living with your mom is doing more harm than good. There may be an opportunity to repair your relationship with her in the future (and reveal the reason why you've been struggling), but right now, it seems like telling her the truth would do more harm than good. You need to change your environment, and once you're in a better place emotionally, you may be able to resume contact with her and work things out. Right now, though, there needs to be some distancing. I went through a similar situation not too long ago, where I needed to move out and get everything else in order before I could deal with my interpersonal problems. The same may be true for you.

On one hand, I agree with MostlyHarmless: NOT telling your mom may be causing her to behave differently, and telling her could help clear things up. I don't know your history with your mom, though. If you've had a negative relationship with her for many years, then I can't see it being repaired with a few conversations. That may take time and space, hence the need to move out. If things have only recently gone downhill, though, then telling her the truth may not be as disastrous as you think it would be. Again, only you can decide what's best for your mental well-being.

I wish you all the best, and feel free to PM me if you want to keep discussing this! =)

[Firesong3]

Thanks a lot to both of you, you really made me feel a lot better For some reason even though I know teenhelp is a wonderful, non-judgemental site I tend to forget when I'm depressed and I judge everything I do very harshly... also I judge everything my mum does harshly as well. I was only there for the easter break, so now I'm back at college and doing *somewhat* bettter on my own. It's a long road to recovery I guess!

I really don't know what I would do without this website, it's a wonderful place of refuge and great advice.