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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
charmbraceletxo Offline
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A curfew at 19?? - April 5th 2009, 08:22 PM

Okay, so, I'm a bit heated right now, so please bear with me.

I'm currently a 19-year-old college student living at home. I attend school full-time and work part-time [usually between 16 and 24 hours a week] at a local grocery store. I consider myself incredibly responsible, as I earn considerably good grades, and take it upon myself to ensure that I make the right decisions in whatever situation that I may potentially find myself in. I NEVER party, drink, smoke, or engage in any of the other stupid activities that MOST people my age do. The majority of the time, I'm with my boyfriend [of about a year and a half], who happens to be just as responsible, supportive, and level-headed as I. My dad is a bit controlling, and it seems that despite my accomplishments and responsible nature, he STILL imposes a curfew of 2:00am. Now, while I understand that 2:00 is a bit late, and probably a relatively reasonable curfew, I happen to feel that ANY curfew is a bit silly. In all honesty, my dad treats me like a 12-year-old child. I mean, I don't think that it's necessarily respectful nor appropriate to be walking in at 4 and 5 in the morning, but I shouldn't have to have panic attacks about coming home just a FEW minutes late...

In addition to everything, I'm still in the process of getting my license [my parents kept blowing off lessons, so now I have to hire a driving instructor and waste literally hundreds of my own dollars]...so, whoever I'm with at the time [as said, usually my boyfriend], has to bear in mind that if I'm not IN the door at 2:00am, my dad blows a fuse. My dad has even gone so far as to CALL my boyfriend and ridicule him for bringing me home late...and my boyfriend, who happens to be several months younger than me, doesn't even have a "real" set and established curfew. I don't know, guys...I mean, considering the fact that I'm working my a$$ off all week long, one would think that I'd have my weekend nights to myself...without limits and anxiety over whether or not my dad will give me some ridiculous phone call.

Anywho, I'd really like to approach him about the situation [my dad, I mean]. My boyfriend is going to a school 45 minutes away in several months, and obviously, coming home on the weekends...by that time, I'd like to bring this unnecessary curfew bull$hit to a closure. I believe that at 19, working, paying for my own things [I literally just live at my house and get rides from my dad to school--my parents also pay for my tuition...which I greatly appreciate...however, hear flack for on occasion], and going to school and doing well...a curfew shouldn't be issued.

Any suggestions?
   
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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 5th 2009, 08:54 PM

Hi there,

First, I'll point out that I don't know of any 12 year olds that are allowed out at 2 am So, in that way you are lucky.

But at the same time, I agree that you are an adult and your parents should not be controlling your life.
Understand that it's not your age that is coming into account when your dad makes these rules. I'm sure something similar would be appropriate of anyone staying at his house. It just wouldn't be proper of someone staying at another person's house to walk in past 2 am.
So, I understand that it's annoying, but I can also understand why your dad has the rule in place.

Another thing to take into account- does your dad wait up for you? He might not want to wait past 2. Maybe he's worried about you when you are out that late, and he wants to be around if anything happens.

Just try to empathize with your dad a little. You are an adult, but you are also staying with your parents. Think of it as a house rule and not a curfew. When you move out you can stay out as long as you want.

Nat.


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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 5th 2009, 09:29 PM

Well, first and foremost, these are your parents. You do have to respect their wishes.

I do have a similar situation, and I know parents can be tough, and they really must think it is for your own good if they are being so strict about it. My sister, who is 22, still gets the same type of talk from my parents. I know it is hard to get them to change their minds; since they have had this idea of parenting for a long time.

I think one thing that would greatly help is that you is if you take the initiative to contact your parents while you are out, before they contact you. They'll likely see this as you being responsible and caring about your curfew. If you call first, they may be less mad, even if you do break it.

If all else fails, you will eventually be able to make rules of living for your own, once you do find a place to live, and get a steady job.

hope it goes well, and PM me if you need any more help on this!
   
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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 5th 2009, 09:50 PM

I mean if your at your parent's house, you pretty much have to listen to what they say. But do I think it is fair, nope.
   
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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 6th 2009, 11:45 AM

Maybe you should consider moving into an apartment with room mates... then you can stay out for as long as you wish
   
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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 6th 2009, 01:12 PM

Well, in all honesty, it's their house, therefore their rules. I'm not saying i think it's fair but you are their responsibility while you're still living at home. You can try talk to your dad about it but if you want a major change,move out. Good luck.
   
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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 6th 2009, 01:14 PM

I have a similar situation as you, except my 'curfew' ranges from 11-midnight as I can't drive and my dad has to pick me up. But try to remember that they think it's for the best or they wouldn't empose a curfew. My dad can't wait up past 11 at night, so I try to get off work by then. If I stayed out till five, and I have, my mum would be up waiting, because they can't sleep if I'm not home.They want me to be home, where I'm safe, not at work. So I can understand why your parents might want you home by two.

Have you tried calmly talking to them, and explaining that you are an adult? Or calling and telling them that you might be late? Just try to be civilized, don't start screaming or complaining, be rationly. If you act like a child, they will treat you like a child.


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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 6th 2009, 02:05 PM

I think I know what you mean, but just to point it partying and drinking doesnt have to be a stupid activity, infact I know many responsible people who enjoy them yes there are a large majority of those who abuse it but not everyone.

Now my suggestion... Well probably not the best of them... I took to just disappearing, noone knew where I was, well not family, I made sure friends and a responsible adult did, but just went off, came back the next morning looked after myself, and then when I was back parents were furious... yeah, but eventually, I dont know, they just seem to understand if they make a fuss next time ill walk out without telling them anything and I guess that way they now appreciate it when I say ok, Im not going to be back tonight but I'll be with him and her or so on. That all sounds very irresponsible, but I do always make sure Im in a safe situation, and if Im not I get out... quick :L. I've got a few very supportive friends who watch out for me, I watch out for them, I have a house key and mobile on me at all times, yeah things can go wrong, but if you want no curfew then what could parents do about it anyway.

I guess with just a mum living at home its a bit easier, my dad still gets angry but he lives a loong way away, just... Maybe stick up for yourself a bit, explain your 19, an adult now... and there is nothign they can legally do about it...

Good luck!

EDIT: I know this probably sounds the most irresponsible of them all, but at 17 I was still being told off for going out for the day, yes between hours of 9 and 5, and she knew I was only a couple of miles from home. I tried talking I tried everything, I dont like doing it, but I guess it just happened one day and carried on =/



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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 7th 2009, 05:27 AM

I understand what you guys are saying, but in any case, when my dad continually tells me that I don't work "enough" to compensate for the cost of gas, insurance, and other expenses...and yet, continues to impose these restrictions...the way I see it, if I'm responsible enough [that is, in THEIR eyes] to do these things, aren't I responsible enough to decide when would be an appropriate time to arrive back home? They know me very well--or rather, I "think" that they do. I've told my dad on countless occasions that I'd NEVER jeopardize my future, much less my character/dignity for anything. I've only drank 2-3 times throughout the course of my adolescence...I just never saw the point in losing control of myself for the sake of "having fun." Perspectives on these issues vary from individual to individual, but to me, the teenage/college student party scene isn't my thing...having fun on occasion is one thing, but an utter loss of self-control is quite another...and my parents KNOW that I have more self-respect than that, and it offends me greatly that they don't [seem] to have any faith in me. My dad insists that it isn't "me", it's the "other" people who might happen to be out there. I understand his concerns, but nevertheless, it's frustrating all the same. He's now refusing to take me to school as of the end of this month, suggesting that I take the bus [although he will pick me up in order to ensure that I promptly arrive to work]. Sigh...what holds more significance? My part-time job? Or my college career? I'm merely at a loss...I suggested that we reinstate the curfew [for the saking of securing a ride to school], but now he claims that he "doesn't care" and is insistent on playing head games, which quite frankly, I've no time for.

I love my dad to death---but I simply can't grapple with how mentally taxing all of this unnecessary drama is...
   
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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 7th 2009, 07:13 AM

They worry about your safety, you should be glad of that.

Sit down and talk things through with them, maybe try to reschedule the curfew? You are living in their house, so I don't think its unfair, they have your best interests at heart.


I, personally don't have a curfew, but I do have to come home at sometime, I'm not allowed to crash elsewhere, and they (my parents) panic if I dont phone for a lift home when the clubs close. They've done this once, merely since I fell asleep at a party.
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Re: A curfew at 19?? - April 7th 2009, 10:42 PM

About the busing, it is normal for college students to take the bus. It helps to be able to make your own schedules around that kind of thing, and it does wonders for planning ahead. My brother takes the bus every day to college, and although he doesn't like it much, it gets him there, and my dad isn't able to do it. However, if there is a time my brother needs a pick up and the bus isn't running or it doesn't arrive on time, then my dad will give him a ride.

It sounds like your dad wants to put the same kind of thing in place. It's important that you keep up with arriving to your job on time, but he still wants you to do some things on your own.

Hold in there. Parents can be annoying sometimes, but they really mean for the best.

Nat.


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