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UnicornGurl Offline
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Exclamation Help S.O.S - July 20th 2012, 08:50 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Me and my family were about to go out for fun, when my mom saw my outfit. I was wearing all black and scene/emo hair.
she yelled at me to put some 'color' on, and my sister started talking about how I dress. So now I am in my room crying and typing, wearing a blue shirt and a sweater to hide my scars from SH.
she ljterally said: if you wear those dark clothes again, you cant come with us. You can stay home.
now I want to hurt myself so bad please help!

Im just gonna go cut myself.

Last edited by Chris; July 20th 2012 at 09:25 PM. Reason: Combined with deleted post & Added: Triggering (SH) title
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Re: Help S.O.S - July 20th 2012, 10:15 PM

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear that your mother said that to you. It seems like you're expressing your individuality through your clothing, and your mother might just think that it doesn't transition well to the public.

I can't stop you from SH, but really, will it solve the problem? Parents really can have trouble understanding teenagers...have you tried talking to your mother alone and telling her how it makes you feel when she humiliates you?

I'm sure it's a miscommunication and she thinks that you're rebelling instead of just expressing yourself.

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Re: Help S.O.S - July 21st 2012, 03:47 AM

I cant talk to her! I really hate her as a person.
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Re: Help S.O.S - July 21st 2012, 11:02 PM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp! =) I hope you will be able to find some support here and realize that, no matter what is going on in your life, you're not alone in your struggles. Many of us have struggled to gain acceptance from our parents as well, and while it's not always easy, I CAN promise you that it gets easier the older you become.

14 years old is a tricky age. When you were a child, your parents were able to control what clothing you wore, because they had the money to purchase things. Some parents even pick out their children's outfits every day. They could decide when you got your hair cut, how long/short it would be, and maybe even how it was styled.

You're at a point where you are finally able to explore your identity, and as strange as it may seem, I'd like you to think about how difficult that must be for your mother. I understand that you may not have the best relationship in the world, and that you may not feel comfortable talking to her. That's okay, so just try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment.

You used to be her little girl. Now you're growing up. You used to be an "extension" of herself. Now you are rapidly becoming your own person, one that may have different values and interests than your mother does. That can actually be very upsetting for a parent, even though they know it has to happen at some point. Your mother may secretly be hoping that your style of dressing up is a "phase," and that you'll become her little girl, or an "extension" of herself, again.

Is it fair for your mom to force you to stifle your outward expression of your identity? Of course not! Unfortunately, you have to pick and choose your battles when you're 14. Like it or not, she still has some control over you, and she will have that control for four more years. The question isn't how you can make her change at the moment - maybe she will change, maybe she won't. Maybe with time, you'll find a way to effectively communicate with her. Since you're not willing to explore that option at the moment, though, that leaves you with one other option: focus on how YOU can change.

That doesn't mean wearing different clothing or styling your hair differently in order to make your mom happy. That means changing your attitude, interacting with your mom in a way that makes your life easier, and developing healthier coping habits. Some ways to change your attitude include putting yourself in your mom's shoes (having sympathy for your tormentor), thinking positively about the future, and reflecting upon the good things you have now (such as friends, hobbies/activities, etc.). Some ways to interact with your mom differently may include responding as calmly as possible when you're upset (after all, it's hard to have a "fight" when only one person is yelling) and saying/doing nice things from time to time to encourage a better overall mood in your household. Some ways to cope (aside from self-harm) can be found here.

I wish you all the best. I know that this isn't easy right now, and I'm not trying to diminish or dismiss your feelings. I do hope you'll take some time to consider how you can handle this situation more appropriately, though - not because your mother would want you to do anything differently, but because YOU want to do things differently in order to have a more enjoyable life, despite this difficult situation with your mother.

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Re: Help S.O.S - July 22nd 2012, 04:22 AM

Wow, thanks!
This was really helpful.

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