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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
tiffy Offline
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Angry my best friend is being selfish - July 21st 2012, 05:43 PM

So my best friend and I had a huge fight the other day. To summarize, I confided in her that I liked a certain guy so she said she would go and talk to him for me and when she did he asked her out and even though she knew I liked him she said yes! She didnít tell me that and I found out later and so I confronted her about it and yes we said some words and I might have called her a slut and bitch and whore but I was angry so I had every right to call her those things.

Anyway yesterday morning I went to her house to make sure she wasnít still mad at me. I didnít mean calling her a desperate loser among other things and I thought I had made my point and she would be thinking clearly by now. I wanted to make sure no men came between us. Men will come and go but weíre supposed to be kindred spirits she and I. Weíre rebels bound together by a common need to break out of our small town abyss.

She said she forgave me and I said I forgave her and everything was fine for like three minutes. But then she said she was dying to tell me something now that we were ďfriendsĒ again and she told me she had a date with my guy! So I called her a bitch but can you blame me? After everything I did for her how could she do this to me? She told me he didnít even know I existed. What gives her the right anyway to say something like that to me? So I said some things right back to her and I came up with all new names most of which I shouldn't repeat here even with a "strong language" prefix. And yes I was harsh, but that was no excuse for her to hit me! And yes, she HIT me! She slapped me right across the face and then slammed the door at me. I just stood there. What am I supposed to do or say to that? How does that help us solve anything? Then she shouts at me to never talk to her again ever!

So I went by her house again later that night to confront her about it because by then I was more calm and I wanted to know how she could just hit me. Me! Her best friend! And all she did was talk about what I said to her and how I was being mean to her (and yes I had called her a lot of names but I reminded her I would never HIT her!)

So that was that and she didnít even take it back or seem to care that she could have killed me. I am so angry I donít know what to do!! I am like really really really still angry even now. I am seriously thinking about ways to get even and so far all I can think of is maybe trying to get with her ex. Even though she says sheís over him I know she isnít. But Iím afraid that might be going too far and I don't even really like her ex anyway but thats not the point. I only want to hurt her enough so that she apologizes for what she did and we can go back to being best friends again and she will dump the guy I like so that he won't come between us anymore. She is prettier than me so she could have any guy she wants but she has to go after the one guy I like!!

Can anyone help me get my friend back please?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my best friend is being selfish - July 21st 2012, 08:32 PM

Um. Chill. There's other guys available out there. Don't ruin a friendship over a boy.

And, you're gonna hate this, but I think you started the second fight. You two are friends again and she thinks you're cool with everything. She tells you about the date she went on and you jump her. Words hurt more than sticks and stones. You probably really hurt her by saying those things. Doesn't give her a right to slap you but maybe you shouldn't have been calling names.
Did you think that she was going to hand over the boy to you now that you two were friends again?
No. Humans are selfish creatures. She wasn't going to give him up...selfish...but you were also being selfish by expecting her to dump him.

Let her cool off and then apologize for your words. Don't even mention the boy. He's more trouble than he's worth obviously.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my best friend is being selfish - July 22nd 2012, 04:33 AM

Hello, Tiffy!

Your friend was in the wrong to hit you... but you were also in the wrong to call her all those names. Physical AND verbal assaults are unacceptable between friends, no matter how upset you are. You may not agree with me, but that's my opinion. I feel you could have handled this situation in a much more mature manner.

You can't take any of that back; however, you can choose to act differently in the future. One way to act in a more mature manner would be to forget this childish idea of "getting back" at your friend. Yes, what she did was incredibly hurtful, and not very considerate (even if you never had a chance with this guy, she could have at least told him how you felt, to see if he would change his mind with that new knowledge). Two wrongs don't make a right, though. Why would you want to stoop to her level? Be the better person.

I wish you all the best. Perhaps you two can mend your friendship with time, but right now, it seems you two are better off not being near each other (or even being in contact with each other, unless it's to apologize and make amends). You probably don't want to risk being hit again, and she probably doesn't want to risk being hurt by your obscene words again.

  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my best friend is being selfish - July 22nd 2012, 05:21 PM

I know that I'm being childish but I'm extremely angry. I could have handled it better but I hate the fact she is getting away with this whole thing without any consequences. I just wish she knew for a second how hurtful she can be and that she could feel what betrayal feels like. Thanks anyway. I'm sure I'll make amends with her in time. She is my best friend after all and despite it all I still love her on some level.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my best friend is being selfish - July 22nd 2012, 08:51 PM

"I had every right to say those things to her" and "can you blame me?"

No, and yes.

You had NO right whatsoever to call your friend those things. Quite frankly, I would've slapped you more than once. I can blame you for saying such things because you can't take it back. That's three times now that you've flipped out on her. Sure, hitting you didn't accomplish anything, but starting three fights with her didn't either. You admitted to starting the screaming match each time.

You're being the selfish one here. Your friend might have done something that makes you jealous, but you should still (at least pretend) to be happy for your friend.

You're not thinking clearly here, and your friend isn't either.

Honestly, I promise that if the boy in question knew how you two were acting, he'd likely be appalled at both of you.

This might feel like a betrayal to you, but honestly you're in middle (high?) school. These things pass very quickly. Highschool relationships rarely amount to anything, but highschool friendships often last for years.

Your friend doesn't want to talk to you right now, and I understand why. You showed her such animosity over this. Physical injures (like a slap in the face.) heal a lot faster than mental injures (such as your best friend calling you a "slut").

You need to leave this cool down until you feel that you've matured enough to handle the situation. You're being really petty right now, and I think you realize that. No one is "right" or "wrong" in this fight, and continuing to argue is only going to make things worse. She won't see your side of it because you pitted yourselves against each other.

If you start a fight with someone, they're going to instantly lose any sympathy for you. If you had quietly explain how upset her actions had made you feel, she'd likely be on your side in all of this. Instead you let your emotions get the better of you, and blew up at her.

I would wait a week, and then tell her why you acted the way you did. Don't try to justify it, what you did was wrong. But try to help her understand why you did it. You were feeling hurt, embarrassed, betrayed and you weren't in the right state of mind to handle it. Explain to her that you feel that: "She is prettier than me so she could have any guy she wants but she has to go after the one guy I like!!". That's your own words, so use them. She might not see the big deal, or maybe she just sees you as jealous. So the way to deal with it is show her why this is a big deal to you.

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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my best friend is being selfish - July 24th 2012, 10:51 PM

Everyone else before me that gave you advice had some really good things to say, and I agree with all of them. I can understand that this entire situation hurt you and made you upset, but you had no right to start these fights with your friend and call her all those names. Physical and verbal abuse do not belong in any friendship and it's sad that all this was created over a guy. Right now, this guy means a lot. You both are interested in him and you both want your chance with him. But stop and think about this a little bit. You're just in middle school or high school. Do you know the chances of a romantic relationship working out at this age? Friendships come and go but relationships come and go even quicker at this stage in your life. But friendships can last so much longer than relationships if you let them. She is your best friend but you are going to get into this big fight with her over a guy? He's just a guy. One. Guy. Out of like, how many of them?

I know right now he may seem special. But here is the bottom line. You had no right to start those screaming fights with your friend and call her those names. And she had no right to slap you. Both of you are being selfish and rather immature in the situation. You need to decide what matters most to you. The guy or the friendship?

If it's the friendship, forget about the guy and give your friend some time to cool off. She's going to be upset with you for awhile and I don't blame her. I think you need some time to cool off as well. Maybe after a week or more, I'd go back to her and ask to talk to her calmly. Don't start yelling, don't blow up. Just ask to talk to her calmly. If she agrees, sit down with her and explain what you did wrong. Don't chew into her for the things you think she did wrong. That will just start another fight. Apologize for your actions and try to make the friendship right. Keep in mind though that it may take some time to forgive you. Know this before you go to apologize to her. If she doesn't want to talk to you right now, back off and give her some space. This could do the friendship more good than you realize.

Good luck with everything. It may help you some to step back and look at things from your friends perspective as well.


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