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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Question Missing a Dad - August 5th 2012, 04:51 AM

well my parents got divorced when i was really young an i dont really remember it cause i was to young, but now its starting to really hit me and when they got divorced my mom moved to florida from minnesota with me, my brother, and sister. an me an my mom never really got along because we are both very stubborn people so i always missed my dad alot but he is a very bad alcoholic an i rarely get to see him sober, i call him almost everyday but i feel like im not talking to my real dad because he is drunk nearly everytime i call. i just got sick of it an i sort of cut ties with him. i always told my mom i didnt want a stepdad because i have yet to see a stepdad who actually likes and cares about his stepkids like their his own. i recently told my mom that i want a different dad so i have someone to talk to once in awhile but she says she doesnt want to date anyone because its to much of a hassle. every night i fantasize about being a normal family with a stepdad, and all i do is end up crying myself to sleep, i just dont really know what to do anymore because all i want is a dad in my life so i have someone to talk to and i dont really like talking to anyone that isnt part of my family somehow because i just dont trust anyone else. i just want to know what i should do instead of crying myself to sleep or is there a way to get my mom to date someone?
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Re: Missing a Dad - August 10th 2012, 04:30 AM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp! =)

I know I wouldn't want my mom (or dad) to date someone simply because I wanted a father (or mother) figure in my life. I would want them to date someone because they like (and could possibly end up loving) that person. Now, you could always encourage your mom to get back into the "dating scene," but she may be happy being single, or not feel it's the right time to date again... and that's not something you should try to talk her out of. Be respectful of your mom's wishes.

Additionally, getting her to date (and possibly marry) someone won't necessarily solve your problem. You need a parental figure, a male role model, a mentor to guide you into adulthood. That doesn't have to be a biological father, a stepfather, or even a male relative. It could be anyone, such as a neighbor, coach, co-worker, or older friend. You're not going to miraculously develop trust for your mom's boyfriend/husband simply because she's dating him. He could turn out to be just as "bad," if not worse, than your father turned out to be. Trust is something that takes time to develop, and it's something you'll need to work on doing with people within AND outside of your family circle. Otherwise, how are you going to experience ANY decent relationships, both familial and otherwise?

Is there anyone you can think of that you admire? Perhaps you're part of a club, and you admire the leader of that club. Perhaps you're on a sports team. Perhaps you've spoken to an older cousin from time to time and think he's doing a great job with his life. Whoever that person is, get to know them on a more personal level. Don't assume they're going to become that male role model you're looking for - some people are more than happy to fill that role, but others aren't ready for that kind of responsibility (hence the reason why so many people feel their stepparents don't love them as much as their own children). Be patient, slowly allow yourself to trust people who have the potential to become mentors, and eventually, you'll get the relationship you've always craved.

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