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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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My parents are hurting and controlling my life. - August 20th 2012, 04:09 PM

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It's mainly my mom a couple months ago she bought me all these clothes and now whenever i wear them she calls me a slut or says i look like a hooker, and right she took my phone for no apparent reason and she's telling me i can't have any social accounts that means this one too and i don't know what to do. And my dad stands by and watches her do every single damn thing to me like she yells at me for no reason what so ever and it's only me she yells at. I don't know what to do because she even insults me and she wonders why i don't want to hang around her and why i prefer to be out and away from our house. So what do i do because if i try to talk to her about it but she just says she's being a good parent and then she grounds me. So what do i do?


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Re: My parents are hurting and controlling my life. - August 24th 2012, 07:58 PM

One of the responsibilities of a "good" parent is to model how you can be a "good" child. Your mom is just pushing you away by saying you're "bad," then not telling you what to do differently and restricting/grounding you. There needs to be better, more effective communication - so convey that to your mom. I have a few ideas on how you could do this.

One would be to write a letter. You could tell your mom that all of this fighting if negative affecting you, and that you want to find a way to resolve the problems (this will get her attention in a positive way, vs. putting her on the defensive by accusing her of being a "bad" parent right off the bat). You can then point out all the "problem" areas (the way you dress, using social networking websites, yelling vs. calmly communicating things), then you can ask your mom to sit down with you and discuss how all of these problems can be handled in a better way. I encourage you to get your dad involved - it's typical for fathers to "stay out of it," but you guys need to come to a consensus as a family. For example, your father may feel differently about your clothing and internet privileges - if that's the case, he should be allowed to voice his opinions, too!

Another idea would be to use the "Speaker-Listener" technique. This is pretty straight-forward: you ask your mom to agree to taking turns while talking, vs. interrupting one another. When using the speaker-listener technique, you want to avoid rambling: get to the point. Make a brief outline about the problems you're having, how you would like to resolve them, and what you would like your mom to do to help resolve those problems. Again, you want to avoid accusing her of anything. You can do this by using "I" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You are making me feel bad by not letting me talk to my friends online," you could say, "When I can't use Facebook, I feel isolated from my friends, and that makes me feel bad." After you have talked for a few minutes, it's your mom's turn to show she heard you (she can summarize what you told her), and then she can respond to everything you said (without being interrupted - the whole point of this exercise is that you 1) show you're hearing each other, and 2) give each other a chance to speak without being interrupted). Hopefully, the two of you will be able to engage in calm conversation and come up with a compromise.






   
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