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webpaige Offline
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Name: Calyn
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Question Help? - September 8th 2012, 03:15 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi, Iím Calyn. Iím so stuck in my head right now that I have no where else to turn. Iím 17, I graduated early & i live at home. My Father & Iís relationship basically came to a halt after he cheated on my mom. She forgave him, but I guess I never have. He forces me to work for his cleaning business most nights of the week for all hours of the night with no pay. I have to BEG to leave his sight even when its with my mom. Iím not allowed to have friends, hes even cut off my friendship with my grandmother-HIS MOM. He says he doesnt trust me, but the last thing I did to lose any trust was talk to a friend he didnt like thats 27 9 MONTHS ago! He treats me like shit, yelling constantly. Iím uncomfortable living in my own house. My mom is too afraid to do anything. When I had my wisdom teeth taken out a few months ago, he took my pain killers from me and took them himself. Heís had a prescription drug problem since I was about 8. My 2 much younger sisters are what has kept be going thus far. about 9 months until I turn 18 & can legally leave, but I dont have anywhere to go exactly because Iím afraid the second I leave, he will cut me off from seeing my sisters and tell my grandmother lies to make HER not trust me. By taking away my friends, heís made sure Iíll have no where to go. By not getting me a car, letting me get a job or go to college heís made sure Iíll have no WAY of leaving. Iím desperate enough to go & take my chances, but I donít know if I should keep this a secret from him and my mother or not. For the past decade theyíve said things will change, & Iím finally not ignorant enough to believe it. But I donít want to hurt my mom. And Iím so entangled between my love and hate for my father, and fear of his limitless, abusive anger towards me (heís hit me in the past if I spoke up for myself, calling me selfish) that I no longer know how to act around him or what to say when he talks about me working for the next year, when I fully well know I WONT be. I donít know exactly what Iím looking for. I doubt thereís any exact solution for my problems. Iíd be thankful for any advice given at this point because no one ever knows what to say.Dont bother telling me to be honest with my Father and tell him how I really feel. I can do that with my mom, she may get mad but she will ultimately understand. The last time I did this with my dad, the worst thing I said was that I couldnít handle him treating me horribly anymore and that heíd better not do this to my sisters. I got slapped and told I was making HIM feel suicidal. Everything is always about him. No one else may as well exist. I guess I just need to know what to do or how to feel and act about my needing to leave and how to deal with people's reaction to that. My family means a lot to me, and I dont want to lose them, but if thats what has to happen, then let it be.

I have a friend who is a year younger than me who's name is Brea. Her dad and mine are so similar it's scary. However, her dad has been certified-insane. He's on medicine..but it does not help. Her mom works full time, leaving her with him most of the time. The slightest thing sets him off and it has come to the point that she is afraid of him. They say one little thing, and he starts yelling about how the worst thing he ever did in his life was get married and have her. He has a farm, and when he gets angry that the animals won't do what he wants, he hits them..if they continue, he kills them. It has been worse for her lately because both of their vehicles are down and he's spent all the money on the farm that's producing nothing so he is constantly angry and when her mom asks if she can use the phone to find a ride to work, he hits her. The thing that bothers Brea the most, (and the same anytime my family has experienced any violence as well) afterwards, they pretend everything is fine. They seem to think it's easier to live in a fantasy that it never happened. Her dad will come and tell her how beautiful she is, which has started to scare her as well. I wish I knew what to tell her to help. She she's no end and cannot come to any other conclusion but that she has to get out.I feel like in my situation, I can endure and get out on my own. But she does not feel that way. I'm afraid she will turn to cutting again and decide that death is easier than life. Her father doesn't allow her to have any friends except me. Because of our religion, he thinks I am a good influence. She wants to tell everyone she knows of his actions, but she is afraid it will come back to bite her. She is so afraid she will somehow lose her mom to him because of how sucked into his madness she is.

I have read every free psychology book in the library and online, trying to find excuses for how these men behave. There are causes to their actions in their minds, but that does not make them right. No one should endure the experiences we have. No one is actually capable of experiencing the abuse physically and mentally without being affected. Please help me understand what is best for me and my friend if at all possible.
   
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Re: Help? - September 11th 2012, 12:26 AM

Hello, Calyn. Welcome to TeenHelp!

If you have read books on domestic violence (which is what you and your family members are experiencing now), then you know the cycle of abuse never stops. The only way to break the cycle is to remove yourself from the situation/environment, and in order to do that, you're going to need help. The best-case scenario would be to come up with a safety plan with your mom and siblings, which would include calling the Department of Children's Services in Tennessee, filing a restraining order against your father after leaving the home with the police's/social service's assistance, putting together cash and important documents in case everyone needs to leave the house very quickly, etc.

This can be a very scary time, both for you and for your family members. Chances are that you're not the only one who has been experiencing this physical and emotional abuse - your mom has probably been subjected to abuse as well. She has probably accepted your father's infidelity because she doesn't feel she has any other choice (other than to leave - but if your father is controlling the family finances, she may feel similarly to you and not want to take the risk). You will need to convince your mom that, as a united family, you can survive without being dependent on your father financially. You will need to assure your mom that DCS and the police combined can protect everyone from further physical and emotional abuse.

If your mom won't join you, then you will have to decide what your best course of action is - call DCS on your own and seek services for yourself, or wait until you're 18 before leaving. Personally, I would go with the former. Oftentimes, DCS can offer temporary housing, financial assistance, employment opportunities, etc. to older teens who have been removed from an abusive home environment. Once you turn 18, the amount of assistance you'll be able to receive may decrease significantly. I actually work with an agency that offers free housing to young adults ages 18-23, but there may not be an agency like that where you live.

Everything I said applies to your friend's situation as well, but first, I urge you to focus on your own situation. Once things begin to take a turn for the better, you will be in a position to help her more actively. Until then, if you can contact her, share this information with her and encourage her to seek help from DCS/the police.

I wish you and your family all the best. If possible, please keep us updated, so we can continue to help you!






   
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