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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Fallen Angel Offline
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Denying parental responsibility to get out of debt with the CSA. - April 12th 2009, 11:25 PM

So here's the deal. I'm sooo sorry it's long.

My dad only paid child maintainence for three months of my life. He never helped with the costs my mother occured looking after me on her own, but insisted on seeing me.. in fact he took my mum to court to gain access to me.

Now, he's never been very good at keeping up his parental responsibilities. He saw me almost every week for many years, then when I was about 8 insisted on sharing some harsh truths. Including the fact he wishes he'd commited suicide when mum got pregnant or alternitively, he still wishes she'd had an abortion - he told me that when I was 12). Because of this I found it difficult to face him; so I didn't. I asked my mum to tell him that I no longer wanted to see him when I was 12 years old.

I didn't see him again until I was 16, when he contacted me to tell me that my grandma was dying from cancer and wanted to see me; at this point I also found out my great-grandad, my grandad and my uncle had died in these 4 years of absense, and he never even told me.

Since then, I have seen him fairly regularly. I am fully aware that he is a complete arse hole. But at the end of the day, he is my dad. And no matter how much he hurts me; you only get one dad.

This whole time the CSA chased him for all the years child maintainence he owed. He never paid any of it; and has constantly avoided them, successfully until now.

I am now 19, so am legally an adult and therefore he isn't forced to pay for me any more. BUT he does still owe almost 19 years worth of money.

The CSA have finally found him! I was lead to believe that they had asked him for a paternity test, to prove that he did actually owe the money. But due to me being over 18; they need my permission to carry one out. So, dad called to ask me to refuse the test, and as they can't force me to do it they would then have no proof that he actuallty owed the afforementioned money and therefore his debt would be cleared.

So, I thought. Ok, I won't see any of the money any way; neither me or my mum will get anything out of grassing him up to the CSA. So agreed to refuse the test. "Great" I thought, "I have no proof that he is actually my father, regardless of what mum says".
You know what I mean? He's put me through a lot of shit, and although I know really that he is my dad. But without that peice of paper it isn't offical.. so I could see no down-side to this arrangement.

Then realisation hit me. The CSA don't ask for DNA tests; they have to be requested. Which means that my dad called the CSA expressing doubt that he is actually my biological father.

I have since found out that when discussing me with relatives he always says "if she actually is my daughter!" As if there is actually some doubt. There really isn't, ever since her split with my dad my mum has been in a relationship with another woman. Her and her female partner have been happily "married" for 17 years!

I really don't know what to think about him, or what to say to him. Do I tell him that I know? Or do I just ignore it and pretend like nothing has happened.

I can't grass him up, as he is currently fixing our family car and has agreed to do the body work on my car as well; and we can't afford to have someone else do it.

I just need some guidence here peoples!


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Re: Denying parental responsibility to get out of debt with the CSA. - April 12th 2009, 11:42 PM

Personally, if I were in that position, I don't think I'd care one whit about him. But I've never believed that blood matters any. I love my family because they're good people and because of the roles they've played in my life, not because we're related. It sounds like you don't have any reason to care about your dad except for his being your dad, and like I said, I don't think that counts for much. Just because you have some of his DNA doesn't mean you owe him anything. That's just my feeling though.

Ultimately, you just have to decide what will make you happy. If you just don't want anything to do with him, get him out of your life. If you don't care one way or the other, let the CSA crawl up his ass and plant a flag there. You certainly don't need him in your life, but if you decide you do want him around, then just be up front about whatever you feel. There's no "wrong" way to feel; different people have different ways of dealing with things. Just remember that you don't owe your dad anything, so do what's best for you.


The atoms that make up you and me were born in the hearts of suns many times greater than ours, and in time our atoms will once again reside amongst the stars. Life is but an idle dalliance of the cosmos, frail, and soon forgotten. We have been set adrift in an ocean whose tides we are only beginning to comprehend and with that maturity has come the realization that we are, at least for now, alone. In that loneliness, it falls to us to shine as brightly as the stars from which we came.
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