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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Father Issues (school, friends, scheduling, etc) - September 16th 2012, 03:33 PM

My name is Anna. I am not the most sane person out there, and I don't fit in at school. I'm 17, and I don't know why I didn't see how F***ed up my life was before...

I am in the process of getting ready for college. (Applied and accepted into Arkansas Tech and Lyon College)

I started to really see how bad my father was when I told him that I got accepted into Lyon (rather prestigious private liberal arts school). He never said congrats, no. He made an angry face and started yelling about how we can't afford Lyon and that I was an idiot for even thinking about applying. He won't listen to me when I tell him about the scholarships I qualify for, and that I'm a candidate for a Full Ride. He doesn't think that I can maintain a 2.0GPA there, just because he won't be there with me to tell me to study. He won't give me a fucking chance to prove myself.

This year, he's been worse. I'm in the marching band at my school. Last year, our entire tuba line graduated or quit thanks to our old director retiring and the new one, Mr Harrison, wanted to have try outs for every position again (drum major, flagline, frontline, etc.) and to play more difficult music than Mrs Pierce wanted to play. We had no one playing tuba, and I volunteered to step up and learn how. Usually a trumpet or trombone would step up, but those sections are extremely weak already, and we have more than enough flutes on the field. When I told dad abotu my stepping up, he started yelling about how the hell I could abandon my friends on the Flute line. (I'm friends with all the Brass, none of the flutes. I prefer hanging out with guys or anyone, really, just not make-up and dating-obsessed girls who I'm pretty sure don't have their v-card anymore.) Last week, I wanted to stay behind and practice with Jake and Zach (our Brass Captain and last year's leading tuba player) on the tuba for a while before the game, and dad was fine with this. But then Mr Harrison had to go buy some stuff in town, and had to kick us out of the band room, as it is against school policy to leave students unattended in any room. (particularly if they are of mixed sex) When he got to the band room so he could get my backpack and take it home, he yelled and threatened to beat me because I wasn't ready to give him my stuff at EXACTLY 5:00. Mr Harrison got back and opened the band room back up at 5:06. Dad continued ranting about how I'm worthless and never study and cannot practice flute AND tuba and still keep my grades up. Naturally, as soon as he left, I was devastated and could not help but cry and run to hide in the end of the hallway.

Austin (sax player and good friend), Jake and Zach followed me and offered to help in any way that they can. Austin gave me the number to her therapist (she, too, has had an abusive relationship with her parents, and was taken away from them).

I have before considered suicide, just to get away from dad, but simply never had the courage to go through with it. I just can't, which is probably a good thing. The only thing that really keeps me going is I'll be 18 soon, and will have the option of moving away in a few months. Once high school is over, I can go to college and be on my own... away from dad.

What has me worried: mom is about to leave for a week on a business trip, leaving me alone with dad. I have my neighbor on speed dial on my phone, so that if he does become violent or simply hateful again, I can call her and she can come get me away quickly.

I've asked mom about getting me a therapist, but she simply said "I don't think there's one in our area." and she won't let me look for one.

Also, not helping at all is that this summer I've lost too damn much. My cousin Becky, who was practically a sister to me, was killed in a boating accident. My cat, Patch, who always came and cuddled with me whenever I was upset, died of old age (he was 19, it was bound to happen soon). Tigger, Patch's littermate, is getting depressed and may go, too, soon. He's always running to patch's usual sunning spots, meowing a lot (he has always been silent before) and he's losing a lot of weight and hair. Then just before school started, an extremely close friend of mine, Logan, was in a car wreck, which took his life, gave another friend of mine extreme brain damage and another lost an arm...

Last edited by Hiroitt; September 16th 2012 at 03:38 PM.
   
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Re: Father Issues (school, friends, scheduling, etc) - September 16th 2012, 06:50 PM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp!

I see there's a lot going on for you (both with your father's abusive behavior and your recent losses), and I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I'm sure you're already stressed out enough about making plans for college and wrapping up your senior year of high school - you don't need all of this burdening you as well!

Like you said in your post, you'll be 18 soon. As an adult, you can move away from home, choose whether or not you want to have contact with your father, manage your own finances, etc. You'll also be free to pursue therapy at that time. Most universities offer psych services to students, which are covered under the tuition and/or student health insurance you pay every year. These psych services can have long waiting lists, though, so I would contact the university you choose before you actually start classes and describe what's going on for you. Feeling suicidal is usually a huge red flag for universities, and they'll probably try to get you in for an earlier appointment.

Until then, it sounds like you have some wonderful friends who are willing to go the extra mile for you. Definitely rely on them, and look for other people/organizations that can offer support. You found TeenHelp, so that's a start! =) How about teachers, school counselors, neighbors, extended family, etc.? It's also good to have a "safety plan" in place, which you already seem to have (calling your neighbor if your father becomes violent - have you spoken to this neighbor in the past and worked out how exactly that neighbor would help you out?). Another option would be to have the police (yes, the police) on speed dial. If you ever feel that the violence has escalated and your life is in danger, I hope you won't hesitate to go with that option, no matter how extreme it may seem.

Finally, no matter what your father says, try to hold on to all the positive things you've accomplished. You're getting into college - that is quite the accomplishment! You are thinking ahead about how to pay for college - you're ahead of the curve in that regard, many people just decide to rack up $100,000 in student loans without thinking about how they can eventually pay it off! You are trying to do what's in the best interests of the band - you're a team player, and while you may not always feel appreciated by others, know that you're doing them all a great service. You're aware of who your friends are - again, that's more than some people on this website can say they have. Last of all, you're being proactive - while you may have limitations due to being a minor, you're thinking about how you can make your situation better, vs. giving up and letting bad things happen to you. You are a strong person, and once you push past these particular struggles, I'm sure you're going to be incredibly successful, because anything you face in the future won't be nearly as difficult as what you're dealing with now.






   
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