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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Imaginary Offline
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Location: Arkham Asylum, Gotham City

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I may never leave - April 14th 2009, 10:44 PM

I just can't stand this anymore. I want to rebel against my mother, who controls me completely. But I'm so scared. I don't even like getting food, I don't know why that scares me, but I think that if she knows I eat, something bad happens. For years, I've been hiding my dishes so she doesn't know. Of course she finds them and yells at me, and I just want to crawl into a corner and die. What comes first is wanting to push her down a flight of stairs, but then I realize that she'd just follow me. Follow me wraped inside her coffin so that I can't hurt her back.

I don't know what to do. I have no friends, I quit school and I'm never going back (thank God). And I've been contemplating suicide more and more. When I hit 18 in a few short years, I'll still be trapped here. I may never leave. And she'll never leave me.

I don't know why I fear and hate and love my mother so much. She calls me names, makes fun of me, belittles me, doesn't listen, inturrupts what I have to say, does this IN FRONT OF COMPANY, even the people I used to call friends. And they would laugh! I fucking hated my mother. I don't know how I'm going to leave. I can't do anything. I don't even like moving. I get anxiety attacks whenever I'm in open spaces, and my basement is open. Is this because my mother always barges in? I just want to be safe and alone. I don't want her there.

Why am I so afraid of her? Makes me feel like worthless scum. I hate that bitch.

But under it all, there is a root ensnaring my heart, squeezing it to death. Under the dirt, there is a dark brown plant reminding me that "You love her, goddamnit!"


myspace.com/lonesome_fish for poetry. I like feedback sometimes. And I like smiley faces .
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Strider Offline
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Re: I may never leave - April 15th 2009, 09:28 PM

Hey there,

Maybe you still feel you love her because you know deep down that under all the comments and barging in and not listening, your mom still loves you too. You don't need to feel bad about it. She is still family, and even though she says hurtful things, she still does care about you.

Have you tried to talk to your mom about her comments and how they are affecting you? There's a good chance she doesn't know they are hurting you so much and might think that she's just kidding around. Still, just ignore her if she continues. I know it's hard, but you need to try. Taking things like that seriously is a major blow to the self esteem, and you don't deserve that.

I know you said you hate open spaces, so is there any way you could spend some more time in your room or someplace else instead? Make a little corner for yourself somewhere where you can see your mom coming. That way she wont startle you as much. Or you could spend some time outside at a park or go for walks.

I think it's terrible that she makes you feel bad about eating. That's not fair at all. If you're hungry, go ahead and have something to eat.
Is there a possibility that she's just getting really annoyed with finding plates hidden around the house? Maybe cleaning them up right after eating would help?

Stay strong and hold in there. You will be able to move out one day, and your mom can't hold you back from that.
Feel free to PM me any time if you want to talk.

Nat.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Re: I may never leave - April 15th 2009, 10:17 PM

Hey (:.

You sounds like your going through a really hard time at the moment. I think to some degree everyone loves there parents. But im not sure why you hate her so much to want to push her down stairs?
You really do sound down, have you thought about going to your doctor about getting help? Maybe it will help you to understand and control your feelings.
Suicide definatly isnt a right way to go. Your just running away by doing that, you need to face this, but you dont need to face it alone. Get help!
We're always here to suppport you alone the way to.
PM me if you need me, im always here for you ! x
   
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Re: I may never leave - April 15th 2009, 11:16 PM

Thanks for all your support. My mom doesn't say those things in jest. She says them when she's really mad at me (which is all the time). I've tried talking to her about it, but she just blames me. Not by yelling, but by trying to make herself out to be the wise, selfless victim. Like a sexist, sexually manipulative Dumbledore. I hate it. She fools everyone but me, and I know that's what she's doing, because I learned it from her.

I'm not sure why I'm so scared to eat around her. I've always thought that she drugs my food, so I never take anything that she prepares me. I'm almost always scared to be around her. Except when she's sedated by television.

She doesn't seem to want me to get better. I have depression, but I don't know if I need drugs to make it go away. She doesn't seem to give a shit. She tells me that it's up to me to get better, it's just about will power, get over myself, snap out of it, and so on. By getting better, she means shutting up and doing housework.

As far as I remember (which isn’t very far because something is wrong with me that prevents me from remembering almost anything), she has rarely hit me. She’s slapped me, tried to choke me once, pushed me a few times, but nothing really serious. Oh, and she said that she has thought about actually killing me while she's raging. It’s been a few months since the last time she hit me because I’ve always fought back. When I was younger, she used to hit the dog, who I’m pretty sure she loves more than me, even though the poor girl is dead. She used to throw her steel toed boots at her every morning, even though I’d scream at her to stop. But other than that, nothing in the ways of physical abuse.

So I don’t quite understand why I’m so terrified of her. I know I’m just rehashing what the previous post was, but she’s upstairs now and irritated. I hang out in my basement mostly because it has all my stuff in it, doesn’t get a lot of sun (the sun makes me get stomach aches), and they don’t intrude on this room as often. Granted, they still do so at least 5 times a day, but in the evenings they leave me alone for hours at a time.

Again, thank you so very much for your support. I know this is an annoying read.

Sincerely,

Imaginary

Ps. All the therapists I've seen keep ignoring the fact that I want to kill myself. My mother gets them to agree with her, everyone does, even though they have no reason to. Charisma I think it's called. Even my old "friends" would fall for her bullshit, even if I told them what she's like. I hate it.


myspace.com/lonesome_fish for poetry. I like feedback sometimes. And I like smiley faces .

Last edited by Imaginary; April 15th 2009 at 11:19 PM. Reason: Addendum
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I may never leave - April 16th 2009, 10:22 PM

Hey Imaginary,

This is not an annoying read, so don't ever feel bad about posting! It's really important you get some support right now, especially if you're not getting it from your mom or therapist.

I would say you definitely have good reason for being terrified of your mom. I would say that her slapping you, pushing you, and trying to choke you are serious. The next time anything like that happens, I think you should contact someone about it. If your mom is threatening you, then it's important you get that dealt with. You should be able to be comfortable in your own home and it doesn't sound like your mom is helping.

Still try talking to your therapist, even though she's not listening to you. At least trying is better than not talking about it at all. Have you tried talking to a guidance counselor at school too? They may pay this a bit more attention.

Hold in there.

Nat.


http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/40/signaturep.png
The great artists of our time are the ones who created something timeless. But it was never them defining it that way.
Everyone has a story. What's yours?
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Imaginary Offline
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Re: I may never leave - April 16th 2009, 10:43 PM

Thank you again. I know it's probably very annoying that I'm replying after every post, but again, I don't have anyone. Someone just came home, and I'm freaking out. I still don't know why.

I quit school, and I have no intention of going back. It was painful, and just exacabated the situation at home, but I'm less depressed now than I was there. Which is depressing in itself as I'm still incredibly suicidal. No professionals, no friends, no relatives. There is no one here for me.

She hasn't tried to hit me in a long time. And even then, it wasn't anything major. A few slaps here and there. I always defended myself.

Holy shit, I've just remembered another episode. Me and some friends (who obviously aren't my friends anymore, otherwise I would have told them if they didn't take her side) took some pictures for an art project on our own time. They were just poorly done death scenes that involved a knife. No one was hurt, and we were careful (dull knife, camera tricks to make shots look painful, but weren't). The pictures were found by one of the parents, who in turn told the other parents. When my mother found out, she got the knife, held it to my throat and hissed "Is this art?".

I don't understand her. I replied, "Yes" in possibly the most insolent and stupid manner I could in the shock, and she looked about ready to kill me. That some how makes me laugh to know that even if she does kill me, I still win. Ha ha ha ha!

If she kills me, I almost want to come back and haunt her ass! He he he. I can't stop grinning.


myspace.com/lonesome_fish for poetry. I like feedback sometimes. And I like smiley faces .
   
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