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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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i did a bad thing and now everyone hates me... - November 2nd 2012, 09:42 PM

i moved from norwich to cambridge in the summer so i had to leave everyone behind. since then my friends have hardly spoken to me despite the effort i put in to stay friends. i organised a day where i was going to visit and we'd all go bowling and have a good time after so long. this was organised for about 2 months and one person told me they couldn't come because they were working. on the day, 3 out of 9 people turned up (not including the one who couldn't come). it really upset me how those 6 people couldn't have spared just a few seconds in 2 months to let me know they couldn't come. so there was my best friend and 2 other people but those 2 people invited along someone who i didn't know and talked to them the whole time. all day i was hurt by how people didn't care and i saved up for this day for 4 or 5 months. the next day, at home, i put up a status expressing how i'm giving up on them but it was discrete. i blanked out one of the two that stayed with the stranger when they tried to speak to me about it, because i was upset and angry. this caused an argument on the status with my 'friends' and now i look like a really bad person and that all of this is my fault... am i a bad person? i really don't understand how it's my fault... if someone can see it, let me know?
   
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Re: i did a bad thing and now everyone hates me... - November 3rd 2012, 03:26 AM

You're not a bad person, but you definitely should have been more direct about how you were feeling. Beating around the bush or trying to be subtle/discrete rarely works out... it just makes you look passive-aggressive, which generally makes people angry vs. sympathetic.

When I moved a little over a year ago, I told everyone that I wanted to hang out with them over the summer... all they had to do was call me at least a day in advance, and I'd make the time to visit. I only lived about an hour away, and I wasn't working at the time, so it was just a matter of being invited to events. I received TWO invitations that entire summer, yet I watched friends post status updates and pictures on a weekly basis showing all the things they were doing without me. When I tried inviting people to visit me several months later (vs. trying to get them to invite me to things), everyone flat-out ignored my invitation... or they would say, "Oh, sorry, I don't have time." They had time to hang out with each other, though! I made the mistake of lashing out at EVERYONE, and while many of them forgave me, a few did not. So in that regard, I was in the wrong, just as you were in the wrong for being "discrete" when you could have been more direct with each of your friends. You could have privately messaged them, vs. publicly denouncing them.

It may not be too late to turn things around. Why not send a message to each of them, apologizing for what you said on Facebook first, then explaining how hurt you felt when you set aside time to see them, and they didn't seem to make the same amount of effort. Remember to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements, so they don't feel attacked. For example, instead of saying, "You made me feel like crap," you could say, "I felt unwanted when only a few of my friends showed up." Hopefully, some of your friends will be receptive and try harder next time. If they don't, then you know where you stand with them. If this was a one-time deal, though, and effective communication can save your friendship, then that's awesome!







Last edited by PSY; November 6th 2012 at 01:40 AM.
   
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Re: i did a bad thing and now everyone hates me... - November 5th 2012, 01:19 PM

Personally, I moved in 2009 for university, and I really found I knew who my real friends were after that. It was really frustrating for me cause a bunch of people I would have thought I was friends with in high school I just lost contact with, and then I was just SO frustrated cause I'd try to make plans with people when I came home and IF they agreed it'd come to like the day of and they'd be like "so I'm going to have a date with the boyfriend" OR "oh, yeah, family dinner" and it's like what? you couldn't have figured that out sooner and tried to reschedule you shitty, shitty friend (not that I really said that or truly thought that but it was the gyst of my frustration)? It got REALLY annoying making plans with people when sometimes none of them made no effort in return. I think when I started getting sick of going home and started making it known to them (by telling them why I didn't want to come back necessarily) I think some of them started trying harder. My one friend I have barely seen even after this, partially just cause I feel like we have very little in common but also cause it irritated me when we hung out and she'd just have me be her chauffeur and drive her around town to do her errands the whole time (or a large part of the time) and because I wanted to see her I had to pretend like I didn't care (probs not the best approach but what ever).

SO...... Long story short I can understand your frustrations. And regardless of the problem I have alway thought that airing your frustrations via a facebook status is a TERRIBLE approach... Like when people just make their status as something like "fuck that, stupid something" and it's like "uh, do we all need to know about that? it's obviously intended for SOMEONE and your just trying to passively cause problems/show them you are angry". So there I personally think that THAT approach was not the greatest. But I don't think it makes you a bad person. You just took a bad approach to your problem. If I was you I'd go to your friends and say sorry for the status BUT you were hurt when so few people came to the event and after you moved you had hoped that people would show more of an interest in wanting to see you.




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