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Separation in the process due to cheating - November 6th 2012, 05:41 AM

So I don't come on much anymore cause I have been busy with school and stuff. But I decided to come on and post a bit about whats been happening to me lately because I feel like I need some support. Don't get me wrong, nothing about this can be changed. I'm not asking anyone to change it for me. I'm only asking for someone to listen and to be here for me. I want to know that things WILL be okay.

No rude comments please, I don't need anyone being mean right now.


Something happened pretty much all of the month of October and continues into now. So I want to say 4 or 5 weeks ago, it started with me being in the car with dad and he said "There's a box of cookies in here from Melissa (his co worker) if you want some." I had one or 2 and asked why she had made them for us. He said he didnt know and that he guessed she just felt like making cookies. I asked him why he hadden't brought them upstairs and he said he didnt think mom would like that. I felt wierd but didnt say anything more or think about it much more. Then the following week, he took us out to dinner (me and my sister) WITH Melissa. Mom was not present. She had brought her dog and dad walked her dog all the way to the restaurant and then told us to walk back with her to help her put the dog back in the car. I didnt want to go because I had just met her but I went anyway. Throughout dinner I noticed my dad adjusting her coat behind her and they shared a few meals and stuff. I was very uncomfortable and all I wanted to do was go home. I didnt act especially nice to her. I usually just gave her the straight answer if she asked me anything. I didnt want to be her friend. I asked mom later that night if dad had told her we went out to dinner and she said no. 2 days later I was in the car with dad again. I wanted to ask what was going on but didnt know how so I asked where did the cookies though. I then asked if he had told mom about dinner but I already knew the answer. He said no and that he wasnt planning to. I asked why because I thought he normally told eachother about things like that and he said no and that they dont talk anymore. I said a bit quieter "but shes just your friend?" (meaning Melissa) and he said yes in a kinda hesitant tone. He said in a more confident tone "But you like her right?" and I said shes alright and stopped talking. I hardly talked for the whole rest of the next day. I went to 2 of the school councelors about it and when I got home mom asked me what was bothering me. I said it was about dad and she said she thought she knew what I was going to say. She told me she has been having problems with my dad for years. she thought he was cheating on her. she said they tried to hold it together for our childhood because she wanted us to live a "normal life". She was sorry that I found out in the way I did. I was devistated and cried the whole night. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. When dad came home that night he told me again that Melissa and him were just friends and that he would never lie to us. Found out that was a lie too. I was having a kinda hard time up until that thurs. Then 2 weeks ago, I heard my dad in the back room talking quietly to Melissa on the phone. I told mom I thought he lied to me again and she said he did tell her he was with Melissa. I cant even tell you what I thought. I wanted Melissa to stay out of my life and still do. She is NOt my friend and I will NEVER agnowlege her as one or as another mother to me. I was mad at my dad for lying to me twice. He doesnt want me to have hard feelings about him, of course im going to if he continues to lie to me. I hate this whole situation. I never wanted this for us. I wanted us to be different. I feel so hurt and betrayed feeling like I dont know whats real anymore. And im going to have a broken family soon. My mom doesnt want him to stay with us because she thinks it sets a bad example and its awqward because we get nervous everytime he is somewhere for a long period. Thats true but I dont want him to leave. I know he will eventually but I thought it would be after me and my sister went to college. I cant take him leaving now. But I know in a year or so, he will be living somewhere else and really, so will we. We dont have the money to keep this house if my parents are separated. Its a very messy thing. My father has become more open with his affair as well (well around me and my sister) and its created more problems because it hurts me over and over to have the situation always in my face when i am trying to forget it and just be a good daughter. He spends hours on the phone calling or texting her if she isnt with him. He's gone every other night until almost midnight. He came home not too long ago actually and told us he was with her. He says he will be home at a certain time to do things with us and he ends up coming home an hour late, saying he's "doing the best he can". No. He's putting a lady he's known for a few months before his kids. It just sucks, it really does. And even though its been almost 4 weeks since i've known, I still have a lot of anger and hurt. I'm sorry if I sounded whinny or annoying, I just need to vent and get all this crap out. I know people do have it a lot worse than me. My parents aren't screaming at each other, they aren't abusive in any way. It hurts anyone to go through something like this though, no matter what the details are.



Last edited by minniemouseprincess; November 6th 2012 at 05:49 AM.
   
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Re: Separation in the process due to cheating - November 8th 2012, 12:12 AM

Hey there, Julia!

First, I'm sorry to hear about your family's situation, and the emotional pain you are currently dealing with as a result of your father's poor decisions. I won't be verbally abusive toward him, but I think it's important to acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong. Do people separate because they have found someone else and are no longer in love with their spouses? Sure... but there are certainly better ways to handle those sorts of situations. What he is doing - lying about the affair, and now shamelessly parading it in front of you - is wrong.

Second, it WILL get better - but it may take some time. To be honest, I think the physical separation from your father will ultimately be a good thing. It may be messy because you won't be able to stay in the same home (due to financial strain), but it's clear that your father wants to move on and live his own life. When someone is only thinking about their own interests, it's best to put some distance between yourself and that person, until either 1) they stop hurting you and make amends, or 2) you find a way to express your feelings and gain some sense of closure with them. The first scenario isn't likely to happen (it seems he's pretty intent on making you accept Melissa), and the second scenario is probably going to take some time (you don't seem like the type to be blunt and blurt out how you're feeling - that's not a bad thing, by the way!).

The best coping techniques I can suggest right now are to 1) focus on your well-being (and do whatever it takes to ensure that happens), and 2) find whatever positivity you can in this situation. There's nothing terribly positive about what your father is doing... but there's plenty that could be said for your mother. She's finally free to pursue someone who will fully appreciate her and treat her well. She's also free to be single, if that's what she wants. Regardless of which path she chooses, she's free to be happy - to stop putting up with your father's infidelity for the sake of her children. There is a lot of sadness right now, but there are things to celebrate as well. Of course, ideally, your parents would love each other and never be unfaithful... or they would be willing to work things out, if infidelity occurred... but since that's not the case, it's important to find what you can among all the doom and gloom.

Both of my parents have disappointed me in numerous ways over the years (I suspect infidelity for one, but can't prove it), so feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk to someone who can relate on some level. I wish you all the best. Hang in there! As I said before, it WILL get better. Your father's behavior may not improve, but you can become better at handling all of these negative feelings with time.






   
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Re: Separation in the process due to cheating - November 8th 2012, 12:56 AM

Thank you very much=) I just sent you a PM=)


   
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