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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Question Sometimes - November 14th 2012, 09:20 PM

So guys I need some advice. I have this friend she thinks that I would talk about some of her problems with other people. I know I have already asked a couple of people about it and they are like don't worry about it. But honestly I don't want to lose her as a best friend even though I already have. We don't talk anymore because of what she did to me. She asked me for some help and then just kind of told me that my help wasn't appreciated. Well okay then why did you come to me in the first place? She brought me into a situation that I had no place being in. Her boyfriend and her had a fight. He moved to California where he is currently going to school. Well okay first of all, I know that she was trying to make it work, but honestly it probably wouldn't have. And rightly it didn't. Then she accused me of talking to her boyfriend when I hadn't. Well okay no stress there. So now we get back to the part where she told me that my help wasn't appreciated. Well okay then I won't take that as a slap in my face ( I guess) its not like I talked to him or anything. Meanwhile back in my own life I am having severe problems of my own. Trying to deal with life and its stupid lemons it keeps giving me. Making lemonade at that time seemed harder than it was. So now I feel like a horrible person for trying to help her out. When I should not and I could use some advice on how to see this whole situation as not my fault. Anything and everything is accepted.
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Re: Sometimes - November 16th 2012, 02:53 AM

I had a friend who did something similar--she liked this guy... A LOT... and they were good friends, but me and him only really talked if she was around. She started smoking because he smoked so he tried to quit so she would to. And one day I found out he hadn't actually quit and she saw us talking about it, because i was asking why he lied about it etc. And I wouldn't tell her why we were talking because on the very surface of the issue, at the very least as far as I was concerned I could have a conversation with who ever the hell it pleased me too, plus he'd asked me not to say and even if he hadn't I was worried about what she'd do if she knew he was still smoking, she already had health issues due to her weight so yeah. I wouldn't say, and she started freaking out saying I was going out with him behind her back and saying that I was this lying bitch and stuff, and even though I told her it wasn't true and i wouldn't do that and I simply wasn't relaying the content of the conversation because it wasn't my business to repeat it wasn't working. So I can sort of understand the overreaction to something stupid and ridiculous where no matter what you say you can't win. Unfortunately people aren't always rational when they are jealous, especially not when teenagers. How ever, she was the sort of fair weather friend that, while we were close, had a tendency to flake off when popularity or boys called and got insecure and so on, she usually got over it. Now the question is, can you deal with a friend who's going to be like that? I think, rationally, you just need to leave her alone for a while and let her work out her angry or jealously or what ever it is she is feeling. I can only relate to your situation so much because there is a lot more to my friend that's not relevant here. I think it is important to try to be positively-critical of the people in your life. Like you can see them for who they are BUT still love them even for their negative qualities, but I think it is important to be able to know what the things are that you don't like about them and think of reasons or causes for it, it's rarely ever just what it seems on the surface. If you think about it, everyone is so different. Like I will react one way to something, but your thoughts and reactions on the same situation would be different and though it may produce coherent results there will be differences that are productions of a persons inner psychology. I hope that this explanation isn't so vague that it is confusing. Here is the point: you need to look at who she is and why, and why she would react the way she did and how who you are alters your image of her. Again, you can see and be aware of and understand her bad qualities but NOT think any less of her. Sorry, I am in a sociological/social work mind set right now and trying to tone it down so it's not going to turn into a 12 page explanation.
So any how, whether you understand what I mean or not, for immediate crisis aversion I think that just letting her cool down and waiting to see if she will come to you is a good option--give her a few weeks even, it might be frustrating if it is weighing on your mind, but people fight and if every fight meant the end of a usually good relationship then that would NOT bode well for the world. If you don't hear from her for a few weeks you should just go to her and carefully just let her know you hate fighting and would like to resolve the problem (or just let it go all together depending).

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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