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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Popo Offline
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Many, Many issues. - April 16th 2009, 09:37 PM


Title not a joke.

My "father"
-My biological father is, to put it bluntly, an ass.
He has never said one positive (or neutral) thing about my best friend since he moved here. Same goes for my next best friend. He calls them idiots, dunces, morons, etc. But, he never graduated. And they're actually doing good in school, they had a few rough patches last year, but now they're fine. I don't get nearly as pissed about the negativity as I do about the hypocrisy.

He treats me alright, but he always "jokes" about things that anger me to the point of ripping out his teeth with a rusty butter knife. And by jokes, I mean things like yelling at my mother for having a beer or two. Or, one he really seems to love, making fun of her cooking. And he doesn't say these things in a joking tone, he says them like he's serious. And he is serious. But when my mother yells at him for it, he says "Oh, I'm just joking!".

But when my mother tries to joke with him(actually joke, not like his "jokes"), he says something like "You people have no respect for me". I actually called him out on it once, and he said the same damned thing.

And he hates animals, even though he wanted them in the first place. My cat always wants in and out, and my "father" has to get up from his chair (HUUGE effort, right?) and let her out or in. During supper, he'll yell at my mother from time to time about giving the dog whatever she and I didn't eat, although he does the same damn thing every now and then. He threatens to kill the animals almost every day, and I have sworn to myself that if he EVER does, I will hurt him. I had another cat, an indoors cat, that pissed on his oh-so-special couch, and he put it outside. A few weeks later, that cat is nowhere to be found. I say he killed it, but he says it ran away. Either way it's his fucking fault, it was an indoors cat anyway. He didn't even try to house train it either. If I ever find out I'm right, I'm going to.. probably break something expensive of his, probably the flatscreen TV. Or him. Depends on my day.
Once, me and my mother came back from a movie (we try to get out of the house whenever we can), and before we get our shoes and coats off, he starts bitching about the dog. I say to him "I like how you don't even say Hi before you start complaining". He shuts up, after saying hi.

And the only real reason I think they haven't divorced yet is that they
1)Don't want to go through all the paperwork, and
2)He gets a disability check every month, and my mother couldn't support me and her without it, even though she has a job.
He might be my biological father, and I have no choice but to accept that, but I will be damned before I accept him as a father figure. I have no father figure.

---Anyways, on to the next issue

My best friend.
-He moved here 7 or so years ago, I don't remember right now. He's been with me through thick and thin, and everything in between. We've never actually fought once. But late last year, he started dating a girl. He'd dated before, but nothing changed, really. But this time, he started to change. He kept his hair shorter than usual, he started spending less time with me, and he started to get less mean (he wasn't really mean, but he was aggressive with people he didn't like). It didn't really bother me, I still spent time with him, and it wasn't too important to me. But back in October, I started to get suicidal. I talked to a few people, got better. But a while later, He started to get suicidal, and he told me first. He only wanted to tell me, but I convinced him to tell his girlfriend. Me, being the clever guy I am, told his love interest (he wasn't dating her at the time, but he'd been after her before, and still loved her)about it, and she told me she was going to talk to him. It was a few days till she did, and in those days, I told her about my depression, and she told me that she cut. The day she talked to him, he was pissed at me, but eventually, he told me that telling her was (to quote) "clever". A few months after that, he broke up with his then girlfriend, and in a few more months, he's dating her. Now, he started to change much more drastically. This bothered me. Not too much at first, but now, he barely talks to me, other than the occasional hi, and he never spends time with me. And she never talks to me. This wouldn't be too bad, but she was one of the few people I confided in. She was the one I confided in the most, for that matter. And I haven't had a single girlfriend in the almost 16 years I've been alive. I didn't have a crush on her, before you jump to any conclusions, but she was the closest thing I've ever had to a girlfriend, and that's not saying much. We never talked in person, it was either through Myspace or IM's. I'm not good at talking about deep things like this in person. Anyway, the lack of a girlfriend never bothered me, till recently. Now, seeing a couple together, hugging or kissing, makes me angry. But I could never get angry at My best friend or her, so it just hurts. Seeing them together is literally tearing me apart, but I refuse to talk to them about it, they deserve each other. He has a terrible home life, 3 brothers, a father in jail in another state, and a mother that's either working, out at a bar, or sleeping. And to top all that off, he's got heart problems. She used to cut, and because of me and him, she stopped. I will not talk to them about this because I don't want them to alter anything in their relationship for me, even if they want to. And I know that if I hadn't told her about him wanting to kill himself, they wouldn't be together. Hell, I'm not even sure if he'd be alive.

Oh, and he's moving back to New Jersey sometime soon. Fucking great.
And yesterday I found out that my next best friend is moving after the end of this school year, back to Wisconsin.

Alright, that's the end of my rant. If you read it all, you deserve some type of award, and I apologize for the swearing.

Oh, and by the way, before you go telling me that I shouldn't be worrying about a girlfriend yet, it's not the girlfriend that bothers me, it's the void of not knowing what that feels like. And if you still want to tell me that, don't. I've heard it enough already.


Last edited by Popo; April 16th 2009 at 10:57 PM.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Strider Offline
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Re: Many, Many issues. - April 16th 2009, 11:10 PM

Hi Colton,
I guess I deserve an award But really, it was no trouble reading your post at all, so no worries there.

What your dad is doing is abusive. Covering up mean comments and yelling by saying that it 'was a joke' is no excuse. If it's hurting peoples' feelings and putting people down, and he knows this, then he is being abusive. What I think you should do about this is to tell it to his face. Just tell him that what he's saying is really hurting your mom and really putting down your friends, and you think its abusive. If he responds by saying it's a joke then tell him that people aren't taking it that way and he should cut it out. If he doesn't stop, then I urge you to try to ignore him and ask your mom to do the same.

What your dad is doing and saying about the pets is not right at all. I think you can legitimately contact someone about it, because he is threatening their lives. If you think that he wont act upon his threat, then keep the control and safety of the animals in your hands. When you move away from home, I think you should take those animals with you.

Now on to your second issue.
Sometimes people get caught up in a relationship and lose contact with their friends. It happens a lot, and your friend probably doesn't even realize what he's doing. Keep in mind that communication goes both ways, and if you want to hang out with him, then he's just a phone call, message, or conversation away. You can be the one to take initiative on this. You shouldn't have to all the time, but I think your friend just needs a little nudge.

I know I may get a few knocks for this, but being in a relationship isn't that big a deal. The whole not knowing what it's like is a legitimate feeling, but understand that you should have a relationship because you care a lot about a person and not just because you want to know what it's like. You can still enjoy a lot of things being single, and you'll find the right person eventually. I'm not telling you that you're too young for a relationship, because you're not. I'm just saying that it isn't as big a deal as some people make it out to be.

I'm sorry about your friend moving. I hope you can still keep in touch.


The great artists of our time are the ones who created something timeless. But it was never them defining it that way.
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