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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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burtwood Offline
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She just doesn't get it. - April 21st 2009, 08:02 PM

I warn you ahead of time that this is a lengthy post, but I really just need to let this out. I'll try to keep it short.

I used to work at Subway where I was a sandwich maker. I hated it, until my best friend got a job there. She met one of the guys that worked there that I never had the chance to talk to, but had definitely noticed, and they hit it off. It was clear to everyone that they had something, but they kept it a secret. She never said anything about it, never really mentioned it and whenever I asked her about what was going on between them she always laughed and said nothing. One day she came to work and past by him without saying anything. He would come over to talk to me because we became friends through her and she would not join in the conversation like normal. I asked her about it, figuring that something must have happened between them, and she insisted nothing happened. I can tell when someones upset though and I decided to ask him myself over MSN. He told me that it was long story and it would be better if he came and got me so we could chill and he could me the full story. I said that was ok. I swear that my intenetions were pure, I just wanted to figure out what had happened so I could talk to her and try to make it better. I admit that I might have been a little bit nosy, but a little bit nosy doesnít really deserve the kind of punishment I recieved.

After I hung out with him the first time, I noticed that my friend (we will call her Anna), was starting to act a little strange around me. Everytime I asked her a question she would be short with me and she was being awfully rude. I didnít know what I did wrong. In the meantime I was still hanging out with John (not his real name) as friends. After a while Anna stopped talking to me all together. Iím not good with confrontations at all so I tried to get one of my friends to talk to her and see was wrong (yes, very childish) and when my other friend came back to report she said that Anna had told her that she did not want to speak to me and hated me, etc. I continued to talk to John however. After a while, I figured that if I stopped talking to John then she would become my friend again. So I tried, but he wasnít to happy over this decision and talked to Anna. Anna told him (he later told me) that it was true, she hated me and would never be friends with me again. I was really upset and angry. All my intentions with John had been completly innocent so I didnít see why she would be so mad we were friends. Anyway, I decided that losing another friend would be pointless and continued talking to John.

On Halloween, almost two months after my last talking to Anna, I invited her to come out with me and some of our mutual friends to a party. She declined. I was mad because I was trying (and by the way I was still only friends with John) and she was not acknowledging this or trying whatsoever. That night I got rather drunk and ended up hooking up with John. She found out, and vowed even more so to hate me forever.
When New Years rolled around, I was over the fights with Anna and decided to break up with John and email her. I wrote her a long letter explaining about how I felt. She said that we could try to be friends with each other again and for 2 months we did try. We were making some good progress. Then John came back into the picture. He had been texting me the entire 2 months, and I admit that I did respond sometimes but for the most time I was good and never responded. I never saw him for that time either. Then one day I was at a party and was stranded in the middle of the bush. Not knowing what to do, I called John for a ride. Of course we ended up hooking up and talking. I felt EXTREMLY guilty the next morning and decided to keep it a secret from Anna and everyone else. But if thereís one thing that you should know about me, itís I canít hold things in for very long.

I am in love with John. Heís my first love and I lost my virginity to him. Despite all the lies and everything, I will always love him. I canít stay away from him, but now all my friends are on Annaís side and once again she hates me. I think itís fucking ridiculous. She had her chance with him and they broke up. It wasnít my fault that they broke up and I tried really hard to stay away from him but she doesnít care about that. Sheís ruining all of our progress now because she only SAW me with him one day. She doesnít even know about how weíve been together the last month or so. I wasnít lying to her, as she claims, I was only holding things back. If she had asked me, I would have told her. This whole situation sucks because I canít give up John and I canít give up Anna despite the way that both of them have treated me. She was my best friend for 5 years. I canít give that up. I had a taste of what things used to be like for those 2 months and I donít want to lose that. Johnís my first love. I canít give that up either. I donít know what to do, espically since ALL of my friends are on HER side and are 100% against me and John being together. Nobody sees my side of the story. This was mostly to just get it out, but if anyone has ANY ideas I would love to hear them.
   
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Re: She just doesn't get it. - April 21st 2009, 09:47 PM

Hey there,

These feelings are tough to get through, and it takes a lot of thinking over and figuring out what you think is right. From what you were saying about how your friend is feeling, you will lose Anna as a friend if you stay with John. It really comes to whether you value your friendship or your relationship more.

What your friend is feeling now is betrayal. She doesn't know that you only started talking to John with innocent intentions, and even if you told her, she might not take it to heart at this time. She probably sees that you being with John means that you value him more than her, and that's what she's mad at even if it's not true.

I am wondering what your reasons were for breaking up with John previously? I think they could really be important in figuring out if this is the guy you want to be with. You need to consider these reasons, and also if he has the same feelings and plans as you do. Just because he was your first does not mean you need to stay with him. Being the first is special and it's a strong bond, but you really need to think if this bond is more important than your friendship with Anna.

I don't think Anna will stay friends with you if you stay with John. You can try explaining your feelings to her, but I think you need to make a decision here. I really hate how there's only two major options, but that's how this works sometimes.

Choose what's right for you

Nat.


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