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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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lingua1997 Offline
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What to do about ex friends? - June 15th 2013, 09:46 PM

Hey. For the sake of the following story, know that I'm a guy. The story's kind of long, but I've shortened it as much as I could.

Last year, at around this time, my three best friends, whom I will call A, B, and C, starting acting weirdly towards me. They began to ignore me. My friend texted me on my eighth grade graduation night and told me that they were sorry and that they had been mad at me for particular reasons. These reasons do not need to be stated, because I later discovered that they were false. So I thought things were fine. Over the summer, things slowly got a little better, then began to decline again, and I did not understand why. B was away for most of the summer, so I rarely saw him to begin with. C went away to Europe for two weeks during the summer as well. And this was when I noticed something peculiar. The moment C left, A began to hang out with me again, every day. He did this until C came back. Keep in mind that C had been acting strangely towards me well before any of the others had, and B and A had told me before that C did not want to hang out with me. The reason for this will be explained later on. I thought nothing of it at the time, but I later realized how odd this was. So I spent a lot of my last summer wishing this problem would go away, but it wouldn't. I later found out that they had been lying to their parents, telling them that they were hanging out with me, when really they weren't.

So school starts, and a girl comes up to me and asks me if I'm gay. I say no and ask her why she would ask me that. She then tells me that B and A told her that I had admitted it to them (this was completely false). So I told her what happened over the summer. That night she proceeds to scream at B via text what a jerk he is, etc. So, I had little to no interaction for the next month, until in October they all text me in a group chat, telling me I'm spreading rumors about them (which was not true either; I had told one of my new friends about the things that they had done to me over the summer and how A and C, who live on my street, always catcalled out of their windows. This friend then told some other people he knew about it. I never told him to do this, and even if I had he was not spreading rumors because everything he said was true). They indirectly intimated that the reason they were ignoring me was that my mother had become too involved in their lives and mine.

My mother had yelled at them on several occasions because these friends had done some rude things. She knew that they had been ignoring me, because she asked me why I wasn't hanging out with them over the summer, and to be honest I found no reason to defend these people who were being so rude. They claimed in the group chat that I had used my mom to get them in trouble (which is not true, in fact they had trashed my yard several times over the years and I had to often beg my mom not to tell their moms). After an explosive argument, we stopped speaking.

I later found out through some witnesses that it was C who had instigated the whole thing, because C was mad that my mother got mad at him and my friends for some event that need not be explained, an event that occurred in my yard. This was why C was acting so weirdly towards me before any of this other stuff happened. I think C tried to purposefully manipulate A and B to stop hanging out with me, for the reasons that they stated in the text. My English teacher once said, that those who have a common enemy will band together and become more close.

I have no respect nor desire to be friends with C ever again. But I still believe that my relationship with A and B can be salvaged. I have been friends with these guys since Kindergarten and fourth grade, respectively. I don't want this friendship to die. I realized this when I realized that a few days ago was the one year anniversary of the ostracization's beginning. I think that C is very manipulative and has some sort of control over A and B, and I have several testimonials from people who hang with them that confirms this. What do you think I should do? Thanks so much for taking the time to read this post and advise me.
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Re: What to do about ex friends? - June 16th 2013, 03:53 AM

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your friends. Obviously C is a jerk. There's no way he'll be your friend again. If the guy is throwing a little girl fit over the fact your mom yelled at him, he really needs to grow-up. If A and B aren't willing to stick up for you, maybe their friendship wasn't genuine. You should try to get their friendships back, but don't obsess over these two guys that might not be good friends. You should talk to A and B face-to-face, separate from each other and C, and hear their sides of the story. If they still choose C, then they aren't the kind of friends you should have.
I know it's hard to leave these relationships behind, I've been there, but sometimes things won't work out in a positive light. When I was in your situation, I gave my so-called friends an ultimatum, and when they chose to believe the liar and not me, I went and found new friends. It was hard, but clearly they weren't good friends.
I really hope this helps!

I am home schooled and proud of it! No, I do not like skirts. Yes, I have a social life. I'm conservative and I wear a purity ring. I am dead set on saving my first kiss for my wedding day. If you want to tell me that saving my kiss is impossible, STUFF IT.
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Re: What to do about ex friends? - June 17th 2013, 12:53 AM

I second what Breeze said. If you want to try and salvage these friendships, you need to speak to A and B one-on-one, preferably in person (you lose tone of voice, body language, etc. when you resort to text or chat messaging, which can lead to more miscommunication).

It's up to you on whether or not you want to deliver an ultimatum. I have done that with some friends, depending on the situation. There have been other times when I recognized my friends were dealing with a lot of other issues (such as major depression and financial stress), and as a result, I stated my conditions for maintaining a friendship while still leaving the door open for them. Most recently, I had a friend who flat-out stated she couldn't communicate with me, and had no desire to work on that. I told her I wanted to remain friends with her and would always be happy to get back in touch with her, but that I couldn't stay in an unhealthy friendship. This way, she knows the door is still open to her, should she ever change her mind. Perhaps A and B could benefit from a similar discussion - they may not come around now or anytime soon, but in a year or two, they may end things with C on their own and seek you out.

Whatever you decide to do (give them an ultimatum or leave the door open), if they decide to stick with C, then you need to move on. I've made the mistake of ruminating over friends who walked away - and as much as it may hurt to give up on your friends, you need to realize that it's not worth getting upset over people who don't get upset over losing your friendship! Hopefully, with time, you can forgive them for giving up on you, because resenting or hating them is just as bad as ruminating. Friendships DO come and go, especially when people are younger and not as mature. Chalk it up to a growing experience, hope for the best for everyone, and find new friends.

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