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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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anomie Offline
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How do I stop being codependent? - April 23rd 2009, 07:41 AM

So what'll happen is

1) I'll find a guy with problems. From my past history I seem to go for depressed Aspies who think they're worthless and not smart enough.

2) I am a nice person, so I spend large chunks of time talking to him and trying to convince him that he's worthy. Eventually he becomes the closest friend I have because none of my other friends open up to me as much.

3) More and more of our conversations revolve around him venting about his insecurities and me trying to solve his problems.

4) Eventually I get frustrated because (a) his problems haven't been solved yet (b) I'm giving more than I'm taking. I start acting bitter and condescending.

5) He starts talking to me less. This only makes me more bitter because after all I've done for him, you'd think he'd care for me instead of abandoning me.

6) I lose all faith in humanity.

It was bad enough over the Internet. But now I've met another depressed Aspie kid, and the exact same thing is happening (we've known each other for three weeks, so we're only on step 2, maybe 3). Except this time it'll be worse because I know him in real life. How do I stop this from happening all over again?
   
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VanishingActs Offline
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Re: How do I stop being codependent? - April 23rd 2009, 10:16 AM

Hello =)

Helping people is great. I love being here and talking through things with people and it's really satisfying when I solve something.

However, do I stay on here 24/7? No, I don't. And why? Because I would go crazy.

I love this site, don't get me wrong, but I need time for myself, like everyone does. Noone will be here all the time. Everyone needs a break and is entitled to give themselves some tender loving care because if you don't it drains the life out of you and you can end up resenting people.

Sometimes you will feel ready and able to help your friends, and others you will not. Don't be afraid to turn your phone off, turn msn off, log out of facebook and just spend your time chilling and relaxing and generally doing what you want to do.

You are not a hotline people can ring whenever they want. You are a human being who is entitled to their own space and freedom. If someone calls when you feel unable to talk to them point them in the direction of another source maybe.

You are not obliged to help anyone.

Take care,
Vicki




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Re: How do I stop being codependent? - April 23rd 2009, 03:42 PM

thanks for the words of comfort.
it's just weird because it doesn't feel like an obligation at first. if someone comes to me with a problem i'll automatically try to help him just because that's how i am. and the longer i know him the more i want to help him.
it's just in the long term it becomes a pain in the butt.
   
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Re: How do I stop being codependent? - April 24th 2009, 10:15 PM

In the long term it does become a pain in the butt, that's for sure! I've been in a very similar situation as you. What Vicki said is really a good idea- do something for yourself and don't make yourself available via phone, email, and whatnot.

And when you are in a relationship, then communication is important. Don't feel bad for wanting the person you're talking with to share the conversation and ask about you as well. Maybe if they don't bring it up, try and share something about yourself. Tell them something you've planned or something that you are doing soon.

What is also very key is to realize what is over your head and what you can actually help with. Don't be afraid of telling the person that you don't know how to help. Telling them to talk to an adult or go to a school counselor is great advice, especially if you don't know what to do.

Stay strong

Nat.


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Everyone has a story. What's yours?
   
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Re: How do I stop being codependent? - April 24th 2009, 11:26 PM

thank you for your encouraging and insightful response (=
he just went to the counseling center yesterday actually...he was diagnosed with depression
and that's good because now he has a therapist, so he doesn't have to use me as one
   
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Re: How do I stop being codependent? - April 25th 2009, 01:15 AM

Oh my gosh do I have something to say on this topic!

Alright so I am speaking from the perspective of the insecure-pain-in-the-butt. I had two incredible friends who carried me for a long time, were the only ones I could talk to about all of the things going on in my life. They literally saved my life, and although I tried to be grateful and apologize, I was deep in depression and made a lot of mistakes. They gave up on me. Please, please don't do this to anyone.

You have to find a balance. Don't put yourself in the position of giving yourself entirely to this person and then needing to just stop. Balance from the beginning, take care of yourself and your life first. Help only if you know you are in a good enough mood to talk. Sometimes I will stay away from this site for a few days if I'm not in a good place to help people.

Trust in your own instincts and do not take on more than you can handle. Trust me, your friends will appreciate it more if you take care of yourself first and them second. Because getting ditched sucks, and no one should have to feel like that. You sound like an incredible person and friend, but just be careful with situations like this, alright?




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