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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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fmpro Offline
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Is my dad enabling my mom who committed a crime? Are his actions here normal? - August 4th 2013, 06:31 AM

my mother is going to jail for eight months for forgery related charges. I am handling the situation fine because she will be back and her visit to jail might make her go easier on me now. My dad asked if I want to visit her sometime because he said she would appreciate a visit and it could be interesting and an "educational experience" (What does that mean?)


I have no problem with my mother and other than this misdeed she was a good mother but I don't know if I should subject myself to go into a jail just to see her for a while. Does anyone know what it is like there and how the visiting works? I am a 14 year old girl by the way. Also, what can we talk about in the short time we probably have?


I have heard that my dad is enabling my mother. Before she has to go my dad is helping her find information on what you should do before entering jail and also said we will all do something together on the day before she goes. I don't know if this is enabling but I have been told it is


also, my dad said I still have to listen to my mother when she gets out. I don't understand how he can do this. I mean like I said I don't hate my mom or anything and had a good relationship with her but now that she is a criminal, her telling what to do might be hypocritical
   
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Re: Is my dad enabling my mom who committed a crime? Are his actions here normal? - August 4th 2013, 04:20 PM

I know this isn't what you want to hear but, everyone commits a crime for a reason. Your mum may have committed a forgery-related crime but maybe there was a good reason behind it? Maybe she forged something in order to get money to provide for you or your dad? Maybe she saw that committing a crime for 8 months worth of jail was better than what was 'before'? Who knows? I don't know your mum or you, or your family very well but it's all very well and good to start pointing fingers because someone 'did wrong' but sometimes the intentions for these misdeeds are held in good light. A person goes to jail for murdering a dangerous person in protection of another. No one cares about anything else other than that they killed someone so they're instantly judged as a bad person. Please try not to think of your mother in such a bad light as you seem to already have done. Please consider that there may have been a good reason for her to commit the crime she did.

When visiting your mum, remember that she's going to be in jail for 8 months. It might not seem like a long time but given that she's going to be in a jail with people who have committed worse crimes than she, unless you feel you truly can't visit your mum, I think for her sake, you go visit her and you keep any and all conversations light and joyful. Ask her how she's doing and if she's made any friends. Tell her the good things that have happened recently. Make up a story about how you made a new dog friend, anything, but remember that she is still your mum no matter what. No matter how many crimes she commits or what laws she breaks. Remember that she loves you very much. If the feeling is mutual, please, try and be there for her, ok?


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Re: Is my dad enabling my mom who committed a crime? Are his actions here normal? - August 4th 2013, 04:27 PM

Well first off you have to be on her visitors list, which she got to set up herself. Besides that just bring photo identification and other non photo identification. If you smoke weed or touch any pills make sure your hands are scrubbed really good a couple of times because they swab your hands for drug residue and if it comes back positive for anything they can search you and won't allow you in to visit. If you wear glasses clean them too because usually there will be residue on them too. The visit doesn't last as long as you will like, but atleast it's something.

Also about your mother, unless she makes you break the law I would just listen to her. It is a forgery charge afterall, she probably did it because of money issues and took the risk for her family. Even if it wasn't for money, I would still listen to her. It's not like she killed someone. I just became a father so maybe my opinion is biased, it's really up to you.
   
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Re: Is my dad enabling my mom who committed a crime? Are his actions here normal? - August 5th 2013, 04:46 PM

Just because your mom messed up doesn't mean you can just stop listening to her, parents are not perfect and are likely to make mistakes. Yes, in this case she messed up big time but that still doesn't give you the right to throw it in her face when she still probably has your best interests in mind. Like if she says "hey, can you clean you room" or "please help me with the dishes" that's not an unreasonable request for her to make, and you can't just run around defying her because she fucked up, her messing up doesn't negate her having your better interests in mind so yeah... You'll have to suck it up unfortunately.

As for seeing her in jail, if you really don't want to go then don't go, BUT if you otherwise have a good relationship you might as well consider it. I don't have anyone in my life who's ever been to jail so I'm not really sure how to advise you to prepare for it. But it doesn't sound like your dad is enabling her. He's just trying to help her out so that her time in jail isn't so horrible, that's not wrong. It's not as if he's trying to help her get out of going to jail or continuing to allow a situation in which she can keep doing wrong things.




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Re: Is my dad enabling my mom who committed a crime? Are his actions here normal? - August 5th 2013, 11:46 PM

It sounds like you are in a tough situation. Well first off, my jail perspective is from the U.S jails, so it may be alittle different. You will need to be on a visitors list, and then you are able to visit your mother. Once arriving at the prison/jail, you may be searched for any drugs, weapons, etc. You will have a certain amount of time to spend with your mom (in a public area under the supervision of guards), and depending on the jail you may or may not be able to touch your mom (IE; hug). During this time, you can talk about things going on like school related, clubs/sports, boys, or really anything. The goal of visitation is to remain connected to the person who is in jail - so try to remain connected to her. Try to bond with her (although I understand it may be hard). Try to accept what has happen, and go from there in a positive direction.

Regarding your father, well from what you are telling me it sounds like he knew she was going to or did commit a crime, and that means he is participating in the criminal act (IE; by not reporting it - and he could be charged and received jail time aswell [according to U.S laws]). So he is participating in the crime (either by verbal support, or by psychical support). However, with me telling you this, you should still understand that he is still your father, and she is still your mother - and while it will be hard to continue to have a successful relationship with them, you should really try.


Best wishes,
Chris


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I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
   
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