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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
jeremys Offline
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Exclamation Parent conflict / somebody please help! - August 27th 2013, 01:54 AM

well... here I am again teen help, seeking advice again. you guys here helped me out last time with my situation, lets see if ya'll can help me again.

Last time I was here, I started a thread about my mother going to bars and that was making me feel uncomfortable. I posted this a month or two ago and since then, the whole situation got a lot more complicated when family started to discover details. I'm going to try to make this as short as possible but as detailed as much as possible. OKAY, here i go.......

let me start of by starting at the beginning. Two months ago, my mother started to go out to bars really frequently (every weekend ), and at that time, i dismissed it. I thought maybe she just needed some time away or to just have fun. After her third weekend in a row, my father knew that something wasn't right. by the way, my parents have a history of having very violent conflicts ( nothing physical... yet). and so after her 4th time of going out, my father got really pissed of at her and wanted to know why she was doing this. and at that time i thought he had verbally abused her, because iv'e never in my life seen such a vicious argument in my life. but i changed my mind about the verbal abuse when an argument broke out last night. i say i changed my mind because the first argument doesn't even come anywhere to comparing to what i witnessed last night. now i'm getting ahead of my self, i need to go back in time to where they had the first argument about her going out to bars.

After the first argument, I consulted teen help. i was told to tell my mother that what she is doing makes my sister and i feel uncomfortable. ( I also thought at that time that she was going out to see other men ) so, she eased my mind by saying that she only goes just to strictly have fun. she told me she would never get involved with another man, other than my father. then she promised me she would stop going to bars so often. she also promised my dad this too. she promised she would only go once a month.

The weekend right after she made that promise, guess where she went. at this point in time, my father, sister, and I discovered that she was going with her friend to the bar. her friend is a married women with one child who is going out to the bar to find another guy. she even slept with a guy. her husband found out and dismissed it because he is a christian and what she told him was that she slept in another room. I can't believe he believes that. anyways, that was just some background on my mothers friend and the kind of person she is going with.

After my father figured out my mothers friend (forgot to include her name: KIM) Kim is going out to find another man, his anger grew even more. He now has this belief in his mind that eventually my mother could give into temptation and do whatever with another man.( at this point my mother is still standing by her reason why she is going to the bar). fastforward a couple more visits to the bar and we get to last Friday (8/23/13). at this point in time, my father is fed up with her stuff and so he gets a plan. he disguised himself as another man and went out to the bar my mother was at last friday to see for himself what she has really been up to. ( I forgot to include an important detail, he has access to all her facebook conversations without her even knowing. so he has seen all "secret" conversation between my mother and kim and, I don't know what he has seen.)now we are on Saturday (yesterday), when the *Blank* hits the fan..... this particular saturday morning started of normal. my mother when to martians to get biscuits for everybody and, everybody was happy for a while. I even got to enjoy my day for a little bit. i caught a couple fish out of my lake and then i returned home to eat biscuits. nothing happened for a while until it was about 9:30 pm last
night.

I had a gut feeling that something was wrong all day yesterday. Tension between my parents could be felt in the other room. now back to where i left off. It was 9:30 and my mother, sister and I were all sitting around watching tv. my sister went to bed just 5 minutes before when it all started. 9:35, my father came into the living room and just stood there behind my chair. i got up because i was tired and i told my mother good night. then i told my father goodnight and he didnt respond. so, thats when i knew its time to go to bed and sit and listen for the S*** storm that was about to happen. 9:40, i was in my bed (im upstairs and so is my sister, so we can only hear whats going on in the living room really good.) and then i heard my father say he needed to talk to my mother. he then walked out of the room and went outside to wait. my mother simply went to bed.

10:30, After an hour passed, I'm kind of dozing in and out of sleep then i heard the door slam downstairs. after i heard that, i was wide awake and ready to sit and listen to what was about to happen.

words cannot describe what I listened to last night. all I remember was that i was afraid. i was so scared that i was sitting in bed with a loaded pistol if i would ever have to use it on whoever busted through my door. (thank god it never escalated to that point). I felt like a coward being 15 years old and my sister is in the next room probably scared ****less laying in bed with no one to comfort her. 12:30 the argument had been going on for about 2 hours now and i finally gained the courage to go get my sister and bring her into my room. now to conflict had sounded like it had gone physical but, i couldn't really tell. I was judging by all the loud noises coming from my mothers room. once i got my sister in my room, i asked if i should call the police or if i should call my brother. I ended up calling my brother because he has dealt with my parents before and because he seen the arguments before. he said we should should just stake it out in my room for the night but if they got out of hand, we should go to the basement with our grandmother. 1:30 am, the arguing died down and me and my sister finally got some sleep.

I don't think my father ever physically harmed my mother last night but, i think if this keeps going on... it might get to that point.

I don't think i can really handle this anymore. for the last few weeks, iv'e just tried to avoid leaving my room when possible to avoid my parents. i mostly stay up in my room because i hate to be caught up in their arguing. can somebody please help me ease my stress or just tell me what could possibly be the outcome of all this? I really do think that there will be a divorce by years end and, im afraid to know what will happen to me if they get divorced. somebody just please give me your opinion on all of this.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Parent conflict / somebody please help! - August 27th 2013, 04:35 AM

Hey Jeremy, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. It must be scary and confusing by the sounds of it. Your parents obviously have significant issues between each other and its negatively impacting you.

I know it might be hard, but if your afraid, you really should consider calling the police next time, tell them you are afraid and that you need help. If this isn't something you're comfortable with call CPS (child protective services) or FACS (family and children services), which ever variation you have in your area, tell them how scared you are and how unsafe you feel in your own home. They can intervene without involving the police, which can be a lot less intimidating and probably be just as (if not more) effective.

However, you'd need to call CPS/FACS during the day and I'd call right away. If the arguments are escalating and you're afraid it might get physically violent then you're only option will be to call the police next time if you put it off.

I do think it is important to do something about it. Firstly, you feel scared, unsafe and confused because you're parents are creating a negative environment which is quickly deteriorating--not fair to you or your sister! Second, like you said, it could very likely end in divorce, and given the negativity that's already going on they might use you and your sister as another thing to fight over which can lead to extremely challenging and difficult custody battles. That's another thing not fair to you and your sister as divorce is hard enough on kids without being fought over. Now the divorce isn't a sure thing BUT since you believe it is a risk you should add it into the reasons to ask for CPS or FACS to intervene.

Next, know you have rights. Like in the event of a divorce you can get a child advocate to speak of your behalf (this is definitely in Canada and the USA) so this way the judge isn't listening to your parents, they hear what's best for you. There are other options like emancipation (defs not ideal!) and moving in with other family members too. I don't have any links for it right now, and I'm Canadian so even if I did they'd most likely be (at least a little) different due to legal discrepancies. But PM me and I can by all means help you with finding some resources to help you out if your interested.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: Parent conflict / somebody please help! - August 27th 2013, 05:35 AM

First off I'd like to say, whatever you do, do not call cps or anything like that. That's the best way to get taken away to some foster home and you don't want that. If you absolutely need to call someone, call the police.

Second, you need to not be anywhere near a loaded firearm. At 15 there shouldn't be one anywhere accessible to you at all. Nothing good will ever come from you being with a gun. I'm 17 and personally I shoot trap with my grandfather, I know what guns can do and i promise there's no reason you should be anywhere near one.

Also, I would only call the police if you're extremely worried. I know myself that nothing would possibly put me in a worse mood than i was already in, than having police officers show up. If anything you'll only make the situation worse.

I would highly recommend trying to protect your little sister from it, being the oldest boy in the house it's your job to keep your siblings away from that, I always did with my little brother, before my parents split.

I know it can be rough, but it may be something your parents can work out, if not then they may get divorced, and that can get very rough. The best advice I can offer you is to try to stay strong and collected. Possibly stay out of your parents arguments as they will only hurt you. I know you're curious and afraid but they will tell you if you need to know.

Just generally in life, anything you hear from someone else or that you're not supposed to hear can only put you in a worse mood.

Try to stay strong, and we're here for you
Jake
   
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Re: Parent conflict / somebody please help! - August 27th 2013, 01:22 PM

I hate to point out the obvious but I have to because I don't want Jeremy to walk away thinking calling CPS will get him put in foster care if it isn't necessary. So

A) CPS DOES NOT just take kids into foster care without just cause. They typically work with families to try to make the home a safer place through mediation, parenting classes, and what ever else might be necessary and
B) they only move children to foster homes when the case is that serious, say, if the parents have substance abuse problems, are abusive etc, and then, for example, the parents would be told to get clean and that will be when the kids can come live at home again. And the only time children remain in foster care is when their is evidence that a situation will not change.

This seems like a situation that CAN be resolved and probably WOULD be resolved if people were working with a family. In cases like this the police would most likely end up contacting CPS any how and request that they work with the family. I know people who've needed help from CPS and I also know about the bureaucracy behind it. Yes, there is a lot of stuff about it I don't like, I don't think it's easy to be in foster case and such BUT it is not true at all that CPS instantly moves kids from families just because there is a problem that needs to be fixed. Cause that's just it, NEEDS TO BE FIXED, they usually work with the families like I said.

But I definitely agree that having the gun is NOT a good idea: you can't just go off and shoot one of your parents.

But I again, disagree with you having to protect your sister and only ask for intervention if its at it's worst. You're only 15, you shouldn't have to feel like you need to protect your sister from your own parents, that's not fair nor is it right. No one should ever have to feel like that. You need help in your situation because it's scary and confusing for you and you're to young to also be trying to fix your parents problems, which I know is hard to do when it is all over the house and when you can hear them screaming at each other. So please, don't think that this is something you need to ignore until your parents finally divorce.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: Parent conflict / somebody please help! - August 27th 2013, 03:53 PM

I have to agree with Wallflower on this one. Having worked with CPS to varying extents, I know that removing children from their home is NOT the first step, unless the child is in immediate danger (ex. a parent attempted to seriously injure or kill them - so far, the violence has just been directed toward your mother). Even when children are placed in foster care, the ultimate goal is reunification - getting the parents to a point where they can properly care for their children again. Oftentimes, parents will be taken to court and ordered to meet certain requirements in order to avoid having their children taken away. This may include staying sober (no drugs/alcohol, which often play a role in domestic violence/abuse), attending AA/NA/anger management meetings, and seeing a social worker on a regular basis (either in-home or at a nearby agency). Generally, I've seen this process take place over the course of about six months, and many parents are able to meet the requirements. In the meantime, the abused spouse (if there is one) will be given information on how to protect themselves (ex. staying at a battered women's shelter and filing a restraining order while they are offered assistance in finding temporary employment to support themselves), and children are monitored by CPS and given the opportunity to seek help regarding any problems that are going on at home. They learn they do NOT have to deal with the violence on their own, and that is essentially what you are trying to do now by 1) taking it upon yourself to protect your sister (you're only 15 years old - don't be so hard on yourself!), 2) keeping a gun next to your bedside (which could lead to an innocent bystander getting hurt), and 3) turning to your brother (instead of people who are in a real position of authority to intervene if your father becomes violent toward you).






   
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