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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
FixYou♥ Offline
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Unhappy How could I even REMOTELY forgive her? - August 28th 2013, 05:36 PM

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I'm so destroyed guys... I really don't know what to do or how our family will EVER be the same...
Last night, you know, things were normal, I was depressed, doing some homework and not really caring that my parents were fighting. They always fight, I figured... nothing out of the ordinary. Well at about... a little after 10 maybe, my dad comes into my room and starts sobbing... literally crying, asking me what he did wrong and what he should do and what I "know"....
Long fucking story short, my mom... my mom has been cheating on my dad. With another guy... through Facebook, text, and seeing him occasionally.
I'm not going to rant about that, I'm in a class right now and I'd rather not start uncontrollably crying again... but after 6-7 hours last night my father decides to give their marriage another chance..... meaning, at this time, no divorce.

How the HELL do you forgive this though??? She's been going behind our backs for a YEAR with her ex-boyfriend from way WAY back in like, her teenage years... doing who knows what! Literally it makes me sick even considering what they could have done... my parents have been married for 17 years and I thought it was over last night... which is the reason I stayed up listening to their whole conversation and got NO sleep. My dad kept asking her if this man was worth leaving him and ME and my sisters... and she considered it. She considered leaving her 4 daughters and loving husband of almost 20 years for her ex, who has been "comforting" her. FUCK THAT! We aren't enough. That's what hurts the most....

....how can I even look at her guys? My sisters don't even know yet, and they're 13, 13, and 6. My dad and I can't talk to her, well, I just can't in general, he only talks to her about this. I'm not sure if they're going to divorce is the thing... he made it seem like it was his fault but he has done NOTHING wrong....

I don't know. I needed to rant I feel so betrayed and so... so worthless
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How could I even REMOTELY forgive her? - August 28th 2013, 07:42 PM

It's little wonder you feel betrayed. And as for worthless... Please be assured you're not, but the idea of being deserted by your mum would make many people feel similar.

You asked how you can forgive her, and I'm not sure if that question was rhetorical or not, or whether you want it answered now. You're going to feel a lot of things over the next few days and weeks, and forgiving her may or may not be something you do a long way into the future. I think that first and foremost you must look after yourself, even if what you want in 5 minutes' tine turns out to he different to what you want now. It's been a harsh day and night for you - remember to nurture yourself.

I noticed that you described a situation where you are almost the mother of the family: your dad came to you for support and you are aware that your sisters don't know what has happened. You are producing a lot of support to the rest of your family. How do you feel about being in that position, and is there anything about it you would change if you could?

I will repeat what I said: be sure that you are nurturing yourself because it sounds like others in the family are either coming to you for support or leaving you to you own devices.

And putting the idea of forgiveness aside for a moment, is there anything else you want from your mother?
   
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Re: How could I even REMOTELY forgive her? - August 28th 2013, 08:02 PM

Tay, that hurt me so much reading that because I love and care for you so much.

First of all, your mom has not only betrayed your Dad, she has betrayed you and your whole family, she knew what she was doing and the consequences if she got found out (like what has happened now)
So none of this is your fault, its ok to feel anger but not towards yourself ok?
Your not worthless at all I promise


.....“You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.”.....
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How could I even REMOTELY forgive her? - August 28th 2013, 08:37 PM

so sorry to hear that
yes your mum has betrayed you and your family, no wonder you feel so upset! nothing like this has ever happened to me so im just going to say what i think would be best. Talk to your dad and keep him okay, and maybe it would be the right thing to do to ask your dad to talk to your sisters? Because if it does end up as they sadly divorce, then it would be even more upsetting to your sisters that they never knew. Lastly, stay strong, you shouldnt have to deal with all this yourself so talk to someone about it and try and be happy xxxxxxx
-daniela
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How could I even REMOTELY forgive her? - August 29th 2013, 07:14 AM

The same thing happened to me and my family. So i'm sorry for you I really am. I don't think i've ever forgiven my mom for it. But I don't think you have to either? My mom was being selfish, and when it was all over and my parents were divorced she realized she'd made a terrible undoable mistake. Some people just don't have any foresight. It's definitely made it hard for me to trust women, but I try. In some ways it's as fresh for me now as it is for you right now. If you think you can forgive your mom and you end up forgiving her, let me know how you were able to let it go. I just think it's something i'll always carry, probably not the healthiest thing, maybe I should post that in a forum thread too and see what advice people have to say. Your dad doesn't want her to go so he'll just say anything right now. It makes me really really sad to think this same story that i had is happening to you. Give everything time, time helps. ::hugs::

Quote:
Originally Posted by FixYou♥ View Post
I'm so destroyed guys... I really don't know what to do or how our family will EVER be the same...
Last night, you know, things were normal, I was depressed, doing some homework and not really caring that my parents were fighting. They always fight, I figured... nothing out of the ordinary. Well at about... a little after 10 maybe, my dad comes into my room and starts sobbing... literally crying, asking me what he did wrong and what he should do and what I "know"....
Long fucking story short, my mom... my mom has been cheating on my dad. With another guy... through Facebook, text, and seeing him occasionally.
I'm not going to rant about that, I'm in a class right now and I'd rather not start uncontrollably crying again... but after 6-7 hours last night my father decides to give their marriage another chance..... meaning, at this time, no divorce.

How the HELL do you forgive this though??? She's been going behind our backs for a YEAR with her ex-boyfriend from way WAY back in like, her teenage years... doing who knows what! Literally it makes me sick even considering what they could have done... my parents have been married for 17 years and I thought it was over last night... which is the reason I stayed up listening to their whole conversation and got NO sleep. My dad kept asking her if this man was worth leaving him and ME and my sisters... and she considered it. She considered leaving her 4 daughters and loving husband of almost 20 years for her ex, who has been "comforting" her. FUCK THAT! We aren't enough. That's what hurts the most....

....how can I even look at her guys? My sisters don't even know yet, and they're 13, 13, and 6. My dad and I can't talk to her, well, I just can't in general, he only talks to her about this. I'm not sure if they're going to divorce is the thing... he made it seem like it was his fault but he has done NOTHING wrong....

I don't know. I needed to rant I feel so betrayed and so... so worthless
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How could I even REMOTELY forgive her? - August 29th 2013, 07:20 PM

I am also sorry to hear about what you and your father are going through. Your mother betrayed you, and you shouldn't be expected to immediately forgive her. Something I've found to be very helpful is looking at forgiveness in a different light. We don't forgive people for THEIR sake - we forgive people for OUR sake. You see, when you hold on to that anger/resentment/bitterness for too long, it results in YOU getting hurt. Sure, the other person may experience guilt/remorse and feel bad that you're not talking to them, but they still get to live their life the way they want to. You are the one who ends up holding in all the hurt, and you end up punishing yourself more than you "punish" the other person by refusing to talk to them and/or be around them. So how do you begin to forgive your mother? By recognizing you're doing it for your own sake - because you love yourself, despite the pain your mother caused. By recognizing that you don't deserve to feel that pain and don't deserve to hold on to the negative feelings afterward. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting what your mother did. Trust most certainly will need to be earned back. But the forgiveness aspect in particular is done for your own self-healing, not to make your mother feel better about the mistakes she made.






   
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August 30th 2013, 04:39 AM

I've never understood how you could forgive yet not forget..the mere act of remembering causes pain

Always try to be better than your parents were

Last edited by PSY; December 14th 2013 at 08:26 AM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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