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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Always * Offline
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Ignoring my friend--sick of feeling like he controls our contact - August 29th 2013, 02:55 PM

Ok, I have this friend. And... We are FWB's right.... And I always feel like he controls our contact far to much. Like I'll text him or send him a message on FB and if he doesn't answer then usually it's like ok what ever, and I move onto the next thing. But lately I feel like he only contacts me if/when he wants to hook up and I don't like that, like once he answers my texts it's shortly after that he'll ask to come over.... Or if he texts or messages me and I don't answer right away then he starts sending question marks and stuff. This also bothers me cause it's like, ok, why can you ignore my messages when I cannot do the same to you? It makes me feel used because it makes me feel like he just expects contact when HE wants contact and that my time or my wish to talk to him is secondary.

It seriously makes me question if he's ACTUALLY my friend even if I took the sex away OR if he just thinks I'm a cool chick he's friends with but that he depends on having sex (no friendship without it). On a baser level he probably is my friend, we talk about stuff and we hang out buuuuuut I definitely don't think I can compare him to some of my other friends who actually want me around cause they like spending quality time with me.

I've just been ignoring his last messages for now. I'm sick of dropping what ever work I'm doing to answer him (not that TeenHelp is really a dire necessity but what ever) especially when all he's likely to do is ask to come over (and that result = sex). It's not that I don't like that we hook up. I am totally fine with doing so, if I didn't want to I'd say no. Especially since, to be fair, I DO like him (in a platonic-but-I-think-your-hot kind of way) and it's not like I want or need a boyfriend right now, so the circumstances work just fine for my purposes... It's just the degree of control I feel like he has when it comes to contact and when I see him. I feel like it is to much on HIS terms. I want to change that but I want to STOP trying passively asserting my control. But I'm not sure how to communicate this to him in a more assertive way.


Move this if it is in the wrong forum, given the nature of our relationship I didn't know if it belonged here OR in relationships




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions

Last edited by Chris; August 29th 2013 at 06:24 PM. Reason: Combined Posts
   
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Re: Ignoring my friend--sick of feeling like he controls our contact - August 29th 2013, 06:44 PM

I often find that this is the result of Friends With Benefits (FWB's). 1) The two people start off being friends, having some feelings for each other, not wanting a relationship BUT wanting to have fun together with no strings attached. 2) However, what happens within a few months is that the friendship itself begins to fade, or 'die'. The benefits part may still be highly active, but the friends part seems to becoming more inactive. 3) Usually, it gets to the point where it is just benefits. Not being around each other without having some sort of sexual activity. 4) Communication (IE: texts, calls, etc) begin to fade except when one person wants to 'do' something. 5) Then, soon after that period (within the next few months) you find that things start to go wrong. This is the grey area. An example of this period is when you start to pick out all the small things that you don't like. You start to get upset about certain things, and you start to be very specific. 6) Usually, not long after that grey period, the FWB (actually more like SWB - Stranger With Benefits) ends.

I'd say your at the #3 - #4 period. Is it possible to go back to #1, well that depends on both parties. I think you should atleast try to communicate with him. Tell him that you feel like every time you want something, you text me, but we don't have the same friendship as we use too. Tell him that you don't just want benefits, but you also want a friendship. Someone to hangout with. Someone to text/call not only for hookups and sex. Someone to feel close too, and call a best friend. Stress to him that you want things to change.

After that, you just need to wait a week or so. If nothing changes, well then you need to go from there (which would deciding if you should maintain 'FWB' without the friendship part, or if you should cut off everything). If something does change, then there you go!

Keep your head up, and remember communication is key.


Best wishes,
Chris


Chris
I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...

Last edited by Chris; August 29th 2013 at 07:10 PM.
   
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