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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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lovechild777 Offline
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Name: Mindie
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Thumbs down I don't want judgement, only help - April 27th 2009, 04:48 AM

I think I have a problem, I always talk about my friends behind their backs. Every single one.
I am under a tremendous amount of stress with home, family, boyfriend, school and my overall life is a hole of stress and my life just feels dead.
I keep saying I'm going to try hard to stop, but my other friends start and I can't help but join in. I know why I do it, it makes me feel better about myself. It is also something to concentrate on.
Just please help me stop, please.
   
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Re: I don't want judgement, only help - April 27th 2009, 05:17 AM

In my opinion, the only way you're ever going to accomplish this is by putting forth the effort to stop, and there's not much of a science to that other than you just... stop. The first step is recognising it as a problem and realising that it's a behaviour you want to correct. Kudos on making it so far, as plenty of people never really do. The step after that is being able to catch yourself in the act, determining when you're starting to talk about your friends or join in with the group and then exercising the self-control to not. When you first catch the words coming out of your mouth, take some time to stop and think about the potential consequences. What would happen if they found out? Do you want to hurt them in this way? Do you want to lose them as friends? Also, try putting yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you found out they were talking about you in the same ways you are them?

As for it making you feel better about yourself, kudos for recognising this too, but then why not spend the time on figuring out what about it makes you feel better? For example, let's say you put Sue down about the way she dresses. Say she's got nice new clothes, wears them in style, so you say horrible things about her, maybe that she's a conformist or an elitist etc. Instead of focusing on what you "don't like," about Sue, or on what your other friends don't like, why not turn the attention to yourself? I don't mean aloud, I simply mean in your head or on paper. Point out what you like about your dress and look at how you wear your clothes in style (applying this idea to the example).

Or just in general, you could write a list of the things that are good about you. What are the characteristics - physical, mental, emotional - that you like? If you can't think of anything? Start small. When it came down to my appearance, I started with one (eyes) and am now up to three (eyes, legs, collarbone). Write down this list and keep it with you. Read it when you're feeling insecure, and make a point to keep adding more to it. If you tend to focus more on the negative side of things, perhaps every third good thing you come up with, you can come up with one "bad thing" you would like to change about yourself and write down a goal. Figure out how you're going to overcome it, and then set the time in which you're going to do it.

Best of luck!

xo Claire




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