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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy Issues with father.. Please help - November 23rd 2013, 05:01 AM

I don’t understand why we can’t have a good relationship.
I am in a very bad relationship with my father right now. Today, I argued with him because I asked him to read my essay for school today, because I did very well on it. He refused. I asked him again, because I really wanted him to see. He started shouting at me and said, “don’t force me and tell me what to do! I have to go to sleep and you are keeping me up. You are killing me, you are a murderer.” I didn't know what to say, and was very sad. I started crying, because I was scared he would hurt me and sad that we could not have nicer talks with each other. This made him madder, and he started pounding the table and I kept crying. Soon, he left.

We always have arguments like this. He never reasons with me and always screams at me. I told him not to scream at me, and he says “don’t tell me what to do!” I hate arguing with him, and I just want to have a normal, supportive father-daughter relationship, but it’s so hard. I try to have conversations with him about our fights but it just turns into more fights.

I have tried to relate to my father for a few years now, and get him to understand my troubles (I’m 15) but he doesn't like to listen to me. He says, “why should I support you when you don’t support me?” I really do want to support him. I don’t want to agree with everything that comes out of his mouth like a robot however. I have different opinions from him. I think it’s because I’m getting older, but I’m starting to think for myself and have recently begun to disagree with a lot of his opinions on issues. It’s just so hard. I don’t want to avoid him though. That’s difficult because we live in the same house and he pays for all of my expenses. He always threatens me with that, saying, “you live in my house and I pay for EVERYTHING! Leave if you want to.” He knows I cannot survive on my own though. I am incredibly sad and unhappy. I just want to communicate with him, but every time, there are disagreements or arguments and I am left in tears.

My teacher said that, “if you have a bad relationship with your parents, keeping silent will never help them understand you. You should tell them how you feel and trust them.” I can’t tell my dad how I feel though! He always gets angry at me and says, “you are never there for me, why should I be there for you? The world is a very selfish place, I hate you, etc...” It makes me so sad.

I want to be a screenwriter when I grow up, and I was very enthusiastic when I told him. However, he hated the idea and screamed at me for wasting his time. He then told me I should focus on my studies and do better in school, especially math. He is a Chinese immigrant, and he has very traditional values on that math is the most important subject and that I must be the best at it. I was raised here in Canada however, and my values differ from his. This is also one of the reasons that we fight.

Please help! I am very sad and I feel suffocated by him every day and I don't know what to do.

Last edited by tracyissocoollike; November 23rd 2013 at 05:23 AM.
   
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Re: Issues with father.. Please help - November 23rd 2013, 03:04 PM

Hi tracy!!

I am sooooo sorry you are going through this and I may not be the most helpful person but I just wanted to say I can totally relate to you and that you arent alone. My dad treats me pretty badly, too, and Im definitely not what he wanted for a son by any stretch of imagination. When your dad says those hurtful things that is verbal abuse and you do NOT deserve that.

Someone else is probably going to give you better advice but if nothing else works for you i recommend doing what i do. what i do is i look at the mirror and i tell myself that i am a worthwhile and beautiful person who should be respected and appreciated even when I'm not. a lot of times I have to tune the outside world out to find that type of respect because it can be there are a lot of forces in my life that want me to give up. But horrible things like this can also make us stronger. i won't tell you to stop seeking that relationship with your father because (guess what) I find myself doing that all the time even when i know it isn't going to work and even when I know he is going to make me upset. I want it just the same as you do and why not? We both deserve it!! But if he is incapable of giving it to you then please please please know that when a person says hurtful things like that (even when that person is your dad) it is a reflection of the person saying those words and not the person they are saying them to. Your worth is NOT defined by who your parents are or what they say to you.

YOU are worthy of love AND respect and deserve absolutely nothing less than both!! If your dad cannot provide you those things, please please please know that you don't ever have to have him define who you are or how much you should love yourself. Sorry if this wasn't helpful I just wanted to say I understand and if you want to vent sometime I have days just like this all the time so I understand where you are coming from!!

And btw I think being a screenwriter sounds FANTASTIC!!
   
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