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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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I dont know what to do... - January 20th 2014, 02:59 AM

(im red, shes black)

me- hi, how goes it

her- hey i'm good how are you?

been betterso i guess same old same old

you realize every time you message me these exact same messages
... im sorry?

sorry that was harsh

but you should message me more often when good or funny things happen! not just when you have something to be sad about

ill keep that in mind. guess ill talk to you when im "happy" then

.... whats wrong

i think i have a right to be kind of pissed getting that reaction. How are you is just one part of a convo y'know?and im sorry that i don't have many good days. Honestly, its not my choice to be unhappy. I wish i was happy. I wish i could wake up and be like TODAY IS GUNNA BE AWESOME! an just be happy. i really do. but i cant

well it's just that i want to hear more happy stuff! whenever you say hi i always know that i'm gonna be sad and want to be able to spend a lot of time trying to make you feel better

i dont know what to think.. Im actually really hurt that she said that to me... ive been in a depressed mood lately.. and i dont know how to react to that. I want to just wait and see if she apologizes.. but at the same time i want to ream her out. i know thats not a good idea... but just...

"Whenever you say hi, i always know that im gonna be sad and want to be able to spend a lot of time trying to make you feel better"

it sounds like a compliment until you read into it..
shes basically saying shes tired of wasting her good mood and energy trying to make me feel better

Should i apologize? Should i wait for her to apologize? should i say it hurt my feelings?
what do i do?


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Re: I dont know what to do... - January 20th 2014, 10:16 PM

I've been on both ends of this situation, so I hope my advice doesn't come across as too harsh or judgmental! Based on previous experiences, I've found this approach to be the most constructive in resolving conflicts.

There has to be some "give" and "take" for a friendship to be healthy. First, before deciding how to approach your friend, I encourage you to be honest with yourself. View the situation as objectively as you can. Have the majority of your recent conversations been "sad"? Have you inquired about how your friend is doing and set your own issues aside in order to show interest in what she has been up to? If you feel like the friendship has been more about you "taking" emotional support from your friend in recent weeks/months, then own up to that. I know friends are supposed to be there for you when times are tough, but they are human beings, too, and it's only natural for them to want to "take" from you as well!

If your friend is blowing all of this out of proportion, and you feel like the friendship has been balanced (you're "giving" and "taking"), then think about how you can approach this conflict without making it worse. One thing I like to ask is, "What are some things we can both do that will make our friendship better?" For example, if your friend says she wants to have more "happy" conversations with you, then perhaps the two of you can make plans to hang out and do something "fun" (while it's true that your problems won't magically go away, "self-care" is important, and hanging out with your friend may improve your mood for a while). Additionally, your friend can agree to communicate her needs more effectively. For example, if she feels "burned out" by all the "sad" conversations, then your friend needs to know she has the option of saying, "Sorry, but this isn't a good time for me to talk. Can I call you back later, and do you have someone else you can talk to in the meantime?" That way, you can still use your friend for support, without worrying about how she'll react.

Ultimately, this all comes down to communication. You certainly have the option of telling your friend she was wrong, that she hurt your feelings, etc... but becoming defensive won't really fix the problem, and it may do more harm than good. So far, your friend has just stated that there's a problem, but she hasn't given you any suggestions for how the problem can be fixed. That's where you come into play. By inviting her to discuss the problem and how to fix it, you'll have a better chance of resolving this conflict.

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