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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
foreverfading Offline
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Help!! - January 23rd 2014, 03:09 PM

Hey guys,

Okay so this isn't necessarily for me, but more for my mom.

My younger brother is 12, almost 13, and lately he hasn't really seemed happy. He just kind of sits in his room and talks to his 'girlfriend' on skype and plays xbox. He rarely comes out, and when he does he doesn't talk to anybody. My mom ask him a question and he will just shrug, instead of actually answering her. For example, the other night she asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and he shrugged and went and got food.

Another thing he has started to do for the past two months is be really rude to my parents, and when i say rude i mean beyond disrespectful. Just last night he said my mom was mean, and my mom said that if he found better parents he could go live with them (she didn't mean this the way it sounds. She didn't mean that he should leave and go find other parents, she was just kind of saying it, and my brother knew she didn't mean it like that because i asked him later on) anyways, he ended up telling her that if he found other parents that they would better than she was, and this really hurt my mom. She has been very emotional since, like once she starts talking about it with me, my dad, or my aunt she will start crying.

He's just been rude like that with everybody lately, he'll disrespect my parents like that, he'll call my youngest brother (he's 9) stupid, and he'll tell me that i'm fat and worthless.

Now, he doesn't have a bad life or a hard life at all, actually he's kind of spoiled. My parents have always made sure that they treat all of us equally and that they don't play favorites, and trust me they are doing very well. I don't have any more than my brothers do, and i think that my parents are amazing!

We don't know why he's like this, and any advice that you guys have, either for how i can help him, or for how my mom can deal with it would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!


No matter what stand up, stay strong, and know that you are enough!

I may not be perfect, but it's my imperfections that make me human, and it's my imperfections that make me strong.

"...it's not about who I am, okay. It's about who they are. They are people who hate, and they divide, and they feed off of people who don't fight back. Yeah I could laugh this off, but what about the girl who can't? Who's gonna help her? Silence only makes them stronger." -Peyton Sawyer (One Tree Hill)

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Chris Offline
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Re: Help!! - January 23rd 2014, 04:59 PM

Hey there.

Well, it sounds as if he is entering his Teenage years early. Typically kids (young adults) start to push back at around age 14, but maybe he is starting alittle earlier. Although, the first phrase that came to mind when reading your thread was "moderate depression". Maybe he's having relationship problems? Maybe he's being bullied at school and in turn is bullying his family? Maybe he lost his friends? Maybe he's struggling at school? The list can go on and on about why he may be acting this way. Unfortunately, we aren't social workers, so I can't tell you what exactly is going on with him. But I can tell you that it sounds like he needs help. What should you do? I'd have your parents talk to his school counselor/social worker to have him brought in and talked to, or I'd have your parents send him to an outside social worker/counselor. Whoever they send him too, they will be able to talk to him, find out what the issue(s) are, get a decent foundation laid for recovery of the issue, and then you guys can go from there.

The one thing I do have to warn about is that he may rebel during the process, but if he really wants help, and really needs someone to talk to, then he will be willing to go along with the process.

I wish the best for your brother and your family.


Best wishes,
Chris


Chris
I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Help!! - January 30th 2014, 05:00 AM

Maybe he's just being a regular teenager. Not all teenagers sulk and act rudely, but many do, as a way to assert themselves and their independence and sometimes to cope with the confusion they're feeling.

It's also possible that he's going through something he doesn't feel comfortable discussing, whether that's trouble at school, depression or anxiety, wanting attention, or even something he's insecure about.

I recommend getting someone (you, your mother, someone else he feels comfortable with) to talk to him. Not in the heat of the moment after an argument or when he's sulky, but at a time when he's relatively calm. Talk to him. Make sure he knows that he can trust you with any problems he might wish to discuss and that it's not a sign of weakness to talk about how he feels if he has the need to do so because that's not "for girls only". Explain also that the way he's been acting is not fair to your family and in the long run, it's not fair on him either if he continues to alienate the people who care about him and ruining the relationships he has with other people.

I think it's only normal that your mother is sad about what your brother said. That's never a pleasant thing to hear. However, it might help her to remember that sometimes people say things they don't mean out of anger, especially teenagers.

What he said also doesn't mean she's a bad mother. Sometimes people tend to think others have things better than they do, because other people will share the good parts of their life but don't normally open up to everyone about negative things. Your brother may see the good things about other parents but forget that they have their less pleasant side also. This is especially true if your brother doesn't have a lot of friends who confide in him about that. It might instead that your brother just say it out of anger to "win" the argument. Either way, it doesn't mean your mother is a bad mother or that he truly hates her and wishes for other parents because he probably doesn't.

In addition to talking to him, I also suggest finding him someone like a counsellor, psychologist or a talk therapist. I don't think a psychiatrist would be very helpful right now, because it's important to determine first what's causing your brother to act this way, and it may not necessarily be depression or a disorder. Talking to someone who isn't a friend or relative might make it easier for him to discuss how he feels and to have someone who can help him find a better way to cope and address those feelings. It may be hard for him at first and it may take more than one try to find the right person, but it can be worth it. And if he DOES need to find a different counsellor or psychologist, it's not something you know within the first few weeks which can be a bit awkward to someone who doesn't discuss emotions and feelings much, unless there's something that is a huge red flag.

Finally, is his girlfriend someone he met in school? What do you know about her? If he met someone online (or less likely, if he met someone his age at school who is very manipulative) then that person may be bullying him or being manipulative. It might be worth looking into that.

I hope this helps. Feel free to show my post to your mother. I'm sorry if there are any typos, I'm a bit tired and may be coming down with a cold.
   
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Re: Help!! - January 30th 2014, 08:34 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris View Post
Hey there.

Well, it sounds as if he is entering his Teenage years early. Typically kids (young adults) start to push back at around age 14, but maybe he is starting alittle earlier. Although, the first phrase that came to mind when reading your thread was "moderate depression". Maybe he's having relationship problems? Maybe he's being bullied at school and in turn is bullying his family? Maybe he lost his friends? Maybe he's struggling at school? The list can go on and on about why he may be acting this way. Unfortunately, we aren't social workers, so I can't tell you what exactly is going on with him. But I can tell you that it sounds like he needs help. What should you do? I'd have your parents talk to his school counselor/social worker to have him brought in and talked to, or I'd have your parents send him to an outside social worker/counselor. Whoever they send him too, they will be able to talk to him, find out what the issue(s) are, get a decent foundation laid for recovery of the issue, and then you guys can go from there.

The one thing I do have to warn about is that he may rebel during the process, but if he really wants help, and really needs someone to talk to, then he will be willing to go along with the process.

I wish the best for your brother and your family.


Best wishes,
Chris
Surely if he is just entering the teenage years early, which it sounds to me like he is doing, he doesn't need 'help', as this is just something that we all go through, to varying degrees.

I am no expert at all in this, but I think trying to get him to see someone about it officially will just have the opposite effect you want. He will be angry and take it out on all of you, and more than that he might start to be believe that something is actually wrong with him. When actually he is just being a teenager.

Don't get me wrong, I am not excusing the behaviour. I know how awful it can be. My sister was an absolute b*tch to my mother when she was a teenager. I mean really horrible. My mother would be in tears half the time, my sister would never speak to us, her siblings (it seemd like she hated us). She was also doing a few drugs on the side. Now I don't know how it would have been best to deal with her (at the time I just tried to avoid her as much as possible) but five years on she is extremely close to my mum, me and her are great friends, she is nice to everyone and works with children! However awful it was, it was just the bumby teenage years.

I agree with Usernames Suck: I think you should simply, casually let your brother know you are there for him if he wants to talk. Maybe don't even try and bring his behaviour up at first, just arrange something you can do together regularly, so when he feels comfortable, he will come to you, if the need be, and not bottle it up.

Good luck
   
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Re: Help!! - January 30th 2014, 09:51 AM

When i started reading your thread, I had a ton of things to say...but now, after I have read your replies....They pretty much summed it up.

I hope that once he see's a therapist that maybe you guys can find the cause of his anger, rudeness.

I would have started to say moderate depression upon first glance at his symptoms but after reading more into it...rebelious young teenager by the sound of it.

I wish you all the best, also make sure to reassure you mother that what he stated is not true. Because trust me, stick with the parents you got because there are worse out there...I have been in 17 foster homes in the span of 3 years....

//\\ I ment talk to your brother about the sticking with the parents he has...even if he didn't mean, make it a point that he understands.


Helen: I'm someone who has chosen to embrace the broad spectrum of our reality.

​“Levity helps keep far more insidious things at bay.”
Dr. Helen Magnus, “Sanctuary For All”
SANCTUARY


“Feeling safe is something we all need.”
Dr. Will Zimmerman, “Sanctuary For All”
SANCTUARY


“We learn more from failure than from success.”
Nikola Tesla, “END OF NIGHTS” PART II
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Last edited by Chris; February 1st 2014 at 09:42 PM. Reason: Combined posts.
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Help!! - January 31st 2014, 04:17 AM

Thank you all for your replies! He's getting better, and so i believe it is just as you all said, him being a rebellious teenager. We've got along pretty well lately, and he hasn't been as rude to my mom, so there is progress.

I don't believe that he has depression, or needs to talk to a councilor. I had depression about a year ago, and ever since i have researched quite a bit on psychological behaviors, and i don't believe that this is anything serious like that. I think he might just be seeking attention, and so far my mom and dad have been doing stuff with him more often.

But once again, thank you all for the advice! It was all appreciated and helpful!


No matter what stand up, stay strong, and know that you are enough!

I may not be perfect, but it's my imperfections that make me human, and it's my imperfections that make me strong.

"...it's not about who I am, okay. It's about who they are. They are people who hate, and they divide, and they feed off of people who don't fight back. Yeah I could laugh this off, but what about the girl who can't? Who's gonna help her? Silence only makes them stronger." -Peyton Sawyer (One Tree Hill)

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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Help!! - January 31st 2014, 10:10 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by foreverfading View Post
Thank you all for your replies! He's getting better, and so i believe it is just as you all said, him being a rebellious teenager. We've got along pretty well lately, and he hasn't been as rude to my mom, so there is progress.

I don't believe that he has depression, or needs to talk to a councilor. I had depression about a year ago, and ever since i have researched quite a bit on psychological behaviors, and i don't believe that this is anything serious like that. I think he might just be seeking attention, and so far my mom and dad have been doing stuff with him more often.

But once again, thank you all for the advice! It was all appreciated and helpful!
I am glad he is doing better. Be sure to keep us updated! How are things with your mother? Sounds like they are giving him more attention or am I just pulling that out of thin air?


Helen: I'm someone who has chosen to embrace the broad spectrum of our reality.

​“Levity helps keep far more insidious things at bay.”
Dr. Helen Magnus, “Sanctuary For All”
SANCTUARY


“Feeling safe is something we all need.”
Dr. Will Zimmerman, “Sanctuary For All”
SANCTUARY


“We learn more from failure than from success.”
Nikola Tesla, “END OF NIGHTS” PART II
SANCTUARY


“Life without purpose isn’t… life.”
Will Zimmerman, “PAVOR NOCTURNUS”
SANCTUARY
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